Celebrating 5 amazing years

Last Saturday Mike and I celebrated 5 years of marriage. After everything we have been through this year, we put aside all money issues and we just got away for the weekend. We spent an amazing weekend in the mountains of North Ga.

These are the moments you just stop and admire all God has created. 

Getting ready for our "sleigh ride" 

It may be cheesy, but we like cheese! 

Our tradition that I look forward to every year! 

Mike, thank you for this extraordinary life! 

What an incredible weekend.

I spent a great deal of time battling this weekend to ensure I didn't dwell on the negative. I wanted to celebrated what I did have, and the positive in my life. Most people say that they married the most incredible man, and he is perfect, and I will be one of those people. Mike is the MOST AMAZING husband! He has given me so much in this life that I sit in awe sometimes.

I have always been close to my family, and he has give me much more to add. Mike gave me 2 very shy brothers who didn't know what to think of the crazy outgoing girl that their brother married. Mike gave me aunts, uncles, and cousins in abundance. I have never NEVER been an "in-law" to them. I have only ever been just Marie, their niece and cousin. From the very first meeting, I was loved and accepted, and not many people can say that about their spouses family. Mike gave me another set of parents that I am constantly in awe of, they are selfless, loving, giving, inspiring, nurturing people with hearts of gold. His mom is a saint on earth, and she constantly is my source of comfort and strength. As long as I live I will never forget the words she said to me in the hospital as I was waiting to be wheeled into surgery. "I cry with you and I hurt with you, don't you worry, you are not alone. We know your mom can't be here, but we will be here for her. We love you our dear sweet daughter".  He also gave me Grandparents, which I have not had since I was 10. I gained 2 grandmothers who loved me from Day 1. I knew when I met him that he was incredibly close to this Dad's mom, and a week before our wedding she told to just love her baby doll. I ended that conversation with one of her favorite sayings and got to here it back for the last time, "I love you best of all" ME! She loved me!! That was the last conversation I got to have with her, because sadly she passed right after our wedding, still- I got to be her Granddaughter.  Mike will never know how much he gave me in these people that I am so blessed to call my family now.

When Mike comes into your life he brings joy, enthusiasm, laughter, passion, silliness, comfort, strength, bravery, friendship, generosity, honesty, kindness, and wisdom. He has shown me a world I never thought was possible and makes me appreciate every single day on this earth, because it is a day spent with him.

There are moments that I fall in love with him all over, and they are times I wish the world could see. Like when the boy with ABSOLUTELY no rhythm will dance in the car to some Top 40's station, because it makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME! When the strongest man I know sees that I am hurting, scared or nervous will bend down and sing me our "Sunshine" song just because it helps. The man who HATES recognition for any good deed, will go out of his way to help someone out. I see all these things all the time. I wish the world could see more of it, but I am selfish and I like that it is just us in that little bubble.

So to that amazing husband of mine. Thank you for loving me just the way I needed. Thank you for being my rock to lean on and also my soft place to land. To quote my favorite line from my favorite movie ever, "No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let's start with forever". I love you my handsome! Thank you for 5 incredible years!

Lessons of marriage

In one week I will celebrate 5 years of marriage with my amazing spouse, partner, love, and friend. I could write a book of all the lessons we have learned together but I will stick to 5. One lesson learned for each year.

2007- I have learned that when you have never lived with someone before, especially the opposite sex those first couple weeks and months can be difficult.  Just take a step back, order a pizza and tackle it all together. 2 is always better than one!

2007

When my happily ever after began….

2008- I have learned that there is always something to hope for. Change is sometimes a good thing.  So many things changed in 2008, work changed, deployments were coming up, and we officially decided to try for a baby. add in buying your first home and the stress level goes through the roof. One piece of paper at a time. The change might all be scary, but you are establishing your future so it so worth every step.

2008

Our home.

2009- I have learned, no matter how many times you have been apart, a day a week, a month or a year every goodbye is hard. Being without your other half sucks, every single day of it sucks. You are allowed to cry, be mad, and miss them, but you also need to make every phone call, message, e-mail and visit worth it. You are never promised tomorrow, so make it count today. 

2009

There aren't words for this kind of heart ache. 

2010- Just like every time deployments suck, every homecoming makes it worth it! Homecomings are amazing and there is no greater feeling! I have learned to appreciate every one! I also learned that going from being Miss Independent, back to depending on someone to be there is hard, and takes a ton of communication, and team work, and if it becomes too much, just go out and get help! Even if that help shows up at 10 pm with coffee. :-) 

2010 

 

There aren't words for this kind of happiness. 

2011- I have learned that the greatest thing about being young, in love and with no restrictions is you can just pick up and go. Mike and I have been on some amazing adventures together. 2011 was my favorite. We got to experience a romantic getaway to Florida, a dream coming true adventure in Seattle, and Forks Washington, but got to lounge on the beaches of Mexico! 

2011   

Cozumel, Mexico 

Amelia Island, Florida 

Port Angeles, Washington

Forks, Washington

Seattle, Washington 

2012- This past year I have learned that life does go on, and when you least expect it dreams do come true. Mike has taught me to never give up hope and always hope for the best. This past year has definitely been the greatest. Both with the happiest of times, and the saddest but it's him who has stood by my side on both ends. 

2012

I have no idea where this life will lead us but I hope to learn a million more lessons and make a million more memories! Here's to 100 more years! I love you handsome!!! 

What might have been

4 weeks post surgery. I spent the Thanksgiving holiday in a major funk, and am anticipating that again for Christmas.

As we sat at Thanksgiving and we went around and said what we were thankful for at our table, I was bitter. I have an AMAZING husband who I would walk through fire for, I have an incredible family that is always there for us, and that is mostly healthy, and the ones that aren't are thriving with medicines and therapy, I have the best job that is always understanding and I have all the material possessions that I could ask for. I was still bitter. I couldn't say the one thing I was looking forward to saying. Thanksgiving was SUPPOSED to be our big reveal to all of our extended family. But it wasn't. It was another year of feeling empty, especially this year.

My question is when will the questions end. It seems like every day I think about what might have been. Where I would be in the pregnancy. How far along I would be, what major event would be happenening. Will that ever stop? I know come June it has to, because that would be the official "end" of my pregnancy. But before then? Hopefully soon it can be just a passing memory, and not so much a heartbreaking thought.

I still think of the tiny baby that never got be, and thankfully after a month I'm thankful for the few happy days. I still see pictures of the night we told everyone, and get sad. But for the most part I can function, I can talk about those 2 weeks we endured hell and not fall apart. Hopefully that means things are improving.

Mike and I decided to get a small ornament for our tree that is just a set of angels wings. For most people it will be over looked when they see our tree. It will be a passing thought for everyone in the years to come, but not for us. For us it represents that time in our lives where all of our prayers where answered, it represents what might have been.

Prayer request: I'm praying this Christmas to be Thankful, and not bitter. I'm praying to be grateful for all I have and to look forward to the new year as a chance to begin again. We can officially start trying again in late January/February, and I want to be excited about it.

Adjusting back to life.

It has now been almost 2 weeks since the surgery, and has been 3 weeks today that I heard our happy news. Each day gets a tad easier, and the grieving stings just a little less. Of course, I still have my moments, like this one:

Monday was my first day back to work in 2 weeks, since we heard our horrible news, and with being such a small office, my computer was barely used. While organzing all the new files that had to be added, and deleting things that didn't need to be there, I found this picture…

This was what I made to tell those few certain people of our happy news. After the miscarriage, Mike hid all pieces of evidence we had in our possession of this time (right down to the recycled gift bag I used, even as far as hiding my camera that contains the pictures of him receiving the news), but he didn't know this one existed, or I'm sure he would have found a way to come to my office). I saved the file under a really weird name so my boss wouldn't find it before I got a chance to tell him. When I clicked on it, it took my breath away. I wasn't prepared for that kind of shock on a random Tuesday. I know that these reminders will come, and hope in time, I can look back and feel grateful for the short amount of time we had, instead of bitter of all the time we lost. I want to remember it all one day, and not feel bad about it. This I guess is my way. 

Letting go is hard, I truly believe it is a process, we take it day by day. The scars are almost healed, and I am almost off all medicines. Slowly I am getting back to normal. I have my moments late at night where I need Mike to hold me while I just cry. However, every morning I wake up and decide that it's a new day.  I have mastered the "artificial smile" and am seriously a pro at it now. I can "fake it til I make it" in MOST situations.

Most people who know me, and who are reading this blog know what has been going on, so thankfully the questions are not as often anymore. Thankfully I think people realize I just need space. I appreciate that! I NEEEEED THAT!!!!!

I did want to take a moment to say a little something else while I am getting all the emotions out now. On the way home a couple days ago, I heard this song… and it made me realize how overwhelmingly grateful I am for the friendships I have especially after all this.

What do you say

There weren't words that could have helped me, but there was the comfort of you there. I realized how lucky we are that we are surrounded by people who came to the hospital at midnight to just be there, there were people who sat in the emergency waiting room with us not once, not twice, but three times just to be there, there were people who put their lives on hold to just simply watch a movie with me and make me laugh, there were people who drove over 2 hours who knew I would need a hug, there still are people who let me vent every frustration, every tear, every anger and just listen, there are people who KNOW this hurt, and are there with every text or phone call, there are people who have been my body guards, both physically and emotionally and kept every stupid questions or asinine phone call away for those first few days.  To all of those people; there are no words to express our gratitude, our love, or our appreciation. You are our biggest champions in this life, and there is nothing I wouldn't due to somehow repay that love back. Thank you for loving me, thank you for loving us, and thank you for loving our baby. One day, I hope to share in the miracle of another baby, and I can't wait for them to meet all of you. There wasn't anything you could say, but I thank you for just closing your eyes, and letting your heart lead the way. WE LOVE YOU!!!

RAW

This is 2 weeks over due. This is long, raw, unedited, and probably full of mistakes. This is graphic, heart wrenching. This is my personal hell. This is the truth.

On Wednesday October 24, 2012 my whole world changed. After experiencing 3 or 4 days of severe right ovary pain, and most other symptoms of a period, without the bleeding I was finally going to see the doctor. After a typical wait and giving the pee sample like I always do, the nurse takes me into the examining room and asks me to explain my symptoms after I do she's says the phrase that will forever be etched into my brain. "Well we took a pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE, so you're pregnant!" There are no words to describe the amount of joy I felt in those minutes. I hyperventilated, and was gasping for air, my only response was "please don't be joking, please please please please please" She immediatley left, and got me the test, once I saw it in my hands, I saw the postive, I fell to my knees and thanked my God for answering the prayers that I have had for all my life. I was finally going to be a Mom. The nurse, the lab tech, the radiologist, the check in girl they all congratulated me. They all knew me, knew our story, and knew how much I wanted this. When the docotr finally came in she congratulated me, and told me based off my last period I was 7 weeks (apparantly she had misheard me when I said the date) once she asked me of my concerns and I complained of the pain again, she assured me that it was normal, it was ligament stretching. She wanted to schedule and immediate ultrasound, but wait for all the blood work for 2 weeks.

                  Even after 2 weeks it's hard knowing this is what could be in me. This was our child.

Once inside the ultrasound room they confirmed my date, and once she asked me my LMP (last menstrual period) She corrected what was in the computer and began. She could not find a sac or baby, and she assured me it was just too early (I was confirmed to be 5 weeks 3 days) she said that everything that should be there was. The Corpus Luteum was in the perfect position, and the lining was thick like it was preparing "a great home for the next 9 months" and assured me again that everything was just fine.

There are no words to describe the rest of the eveing other than perfection.It was a church night, and I knew the one person who should know first should be the man I have held onto for 5 years. The man that has never let me forget what we were fighting for, when I though I was done. The man that NEVER let me loose focus, and faith. So while I wanted to shout it from the roof tops I had to wait to get home and tell him privately. It was sooo hard to "lie" to people that have prayed so hard for us those girls knew I was at the doctor, and I wanted an update. All I simply said was "everything went okay" when in my head I am screaming "MY EVERY PRAYER HAS BEEN ANSWERED!! I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!" I even remember going to the bathroom, rubbing my stomach and telling my baby that they are going to be sooo sooo loved by all those people standing outside.

I had a gift prepared for Mike of a picture frame that said "Memories, those tiny moments that change our life forever" I had placed a paper in it that said WE DID IT!!!! Baby Duncan coming soon June 2013!! Thank you for never giving up. Love me, and PJ. and a pregnancy test. Once Mike opened it, and saw that frame, he took a second to process and immediately swallowed me in a hug and cried. The rest of the night are memories I will never forget and I will never share with anyone else, they are mine and mine alone. They were perfection, they were everything I had ever dreamed about and was finally living.

The next night we couldn't hold the excitement in any longer, and we told our parents. Again we used picture frames, I had a frame at home that said I love Grandpa, and placed the picture of the digital pregnancy test inside. We had dinner with his parents, and his mom opened the present, she started screaming and cried. The rest of the evening with them was spent talking of how excited we were, all the plans we had made in such a short time. We left and went to tell my family. I didn't want to but we told my mom and dad separately. My dad had the biggest smile on his face, and was extremely excited. My mom was super sick, and I think she thought she was dreaming. After a night of celebrations we were exhausted.

On Friday there was more pain. I finally called the docotr because I was concerned. They assured me that the pain was normal, as long as there was no blood everything was okay and just told me to take it easy, to rest, and to put my feet up. My second reassurance.

Saturday, again was perfection. We went to Babies R Us, because walking was helping the pain. We planned the perfect nursery, and talked to oblivion about this perfect life we were finally having. Saturday night was the night I finally got to tell our closest friends. Some simply celebrated with us, some cried, some screamed, and some did both :) Thank you best friend! There was only one more couple we wanted to tell together, and they were both not there. We went home on cloud 9. People knew! It was real!!!

When I got ready for bed, I brushed my teeth, and went to use the rest room, that's when I saw the blood. I screamed, jumped up, and told Mike we were going to the emergency room. We called everyone we knew would pray, and just prayed the whole way there. I was holding onto hope, but once they asked for a urine sample and saw nothing but blood in the cup I lost every grasp I had. In my heart I knew it was bad, I knew it was too much blood and it was ending. They still did an ultrasound, and told me everything still looked good inside "your cervix look pregnant" the beta levels were low but they were within range. They told me it could be 3 things. The pregnancy could be loosing the lining, it could be ectopic, or it could be a miscarriage. no outcome was my happily ever after. They sent me home with pain killers, and told me to rest if the pain was too severe to go back to the ER.

On Sunday after laying in bed crying all day, the pain wasn't getting easier, and so we called the OBGYN and they instructed us to go to a different ER, and ask for him. Once we got there, it was the typical crap doctor, he told me he was just going to check my beta levels, and talk with the other doctor. After having the blood drawn, and waiting in the general waiting room for almost an hour, they called us back, and had me sit in the hallway. This is where all my fears were confirmed.My beta levels were declining, and this confirmed a miscarriage. My whole world, all my hopes, and all my dreams that were put into 3 days were shattered. There were no words for this kind of pain, devastation, and heart break.I lost all balance and the need to stand in that moment.

On our way home, I curled into the tightest ball I could and cried. well cried is not an actual description. I lost it. I feel this is redundant, but there were no words. I cried for every dream I had, every dream we had, every smile I had. I opened my eyes, and saw the strongest man I know, the man I had only seen cry 3 times up till this point and once was when I told him about all of our dreams, was weeping. For the 45 minute ride home, I wept. I convulsively shook. I cried out in pain and anger.

The next Over the next couple days the pain still wouldn't ease up. On Monday I still had to go for the follow up with the doctor. After yet another painful pelvic exam, they still could not confirm what was going on, just that it was definitely declining. Over the next 72 hours, I was back in the doctors office 2 more times. They had suggested on Wednesday to due an exploratory surgery, but I wanted to wait on my doctor, and I guess hold onto what was my baby. Even though I knew it was over, I needed to let it go on my time. On Thursday, they insisted the surgery needed to be done. There was still quite too much blood, and it was the wrong color according to them.

At around 6 pm on Thursday night I was wheeled into the operating room, and when I woke up they confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. The surgeon also confirmed that it was really large. They were glad they got "it" out when they did because it couldn't have stayed much more longer without rupturing.

At the follow up today, they wanted me to look at our pictures of my actual procedure, but I refused to look at it. They showed me "examples" of what it looked like. This is from Google, but mine was also a right ectopic as well.


After 4 days here we are today. I am still grieving. This is the child that we wanted so much. The perfect combination of Mike and I. The child that I talked to for 3 days in my stomach. Yes I know that it was 3 days, there was no heart beat, people have been through worse. I know all of these things, I have heard them. That still doesnt take away the pain that this child was wanted, this child was loved more in it's short 3 days then some children I have seen.

I sit here 1 week from the surgery and I am bitter. I am angry. I do not see the justice in this situation, I do not see the fairness. I truly believe that I have been to my equivalent to hell on earth in these past 2 weeks. My heart hurts, my body hurts. I know have permanent body scars that will always remind me of this child that I wanted so much, just didnt get to have. I sit here scared out of my mind for it to happen again. I promised myself that I wouldn't let fear rob my future pregnancies. However, hearing the surgeon today say that I have a high risk of it happeneing again, and my original risk was less than 5%. Now that risk is in the high 30%.

What I really want on this earth is something I am having to accept will never happen, I want answers! I want to understand why I am being punished! What did Mike and I do in this life that warrants this kind of pain! Why did our first pregnancy have to end in such heartbreak. I sit here with animosity, hate, rage, and bitterness, sadness, and depression. I need to understand the reason why!

I was told on Wednesday that it is okay to be angry at God, and boy am I mad. I still pray HARD for God to make me see why, to pull me through this. But right now its just mad. I am blessed that I serve a savior that can take my anger, and love me in spite of it, so I am getting it all out while we grieve. Then comes moving onto acceptance.

After the follow up today they confirmed that "I am no longer pregnant" and it was like a knife all over. This is something I knew. I knew they removed the baby, but still knowing there is no more hormone that classes me as "pregnant" it means we start all over with this enduring process. I thought that it was over for us, we had got our happy ending, but NOPE not for this one. 

I know that one day I will want to remember it all when it isn't saw RAW. On October 24, 2012 my whole world was changed. On October 28, 2012 my world ended, and on November 1, 2012 surgeons removed every hope, prayer and wish I had in 5 years in a small cell. They said it had no heart beat, but it did, it had mine.

Timing

Ok God, your timing not mine! I get it!

This morning I am nursing an aching heart, and a battered ego.

Last night was supposed to be our injections for IUI#2. After receiving the needles, and realizing not only was the needle 2 times bigger, but the medications had tripled so it meant 3 shots instead of 1. I freaked out a little. I spent my entire drive home from work making sure that I was mentally ready for what was coming. I cried, I prayed, and then I listened. When I finally rolled into my drive way I felt at peace and knew that I could handle it. What were 3 more pricks if it meant a baby at the end?

When Husband finally came in from work he had a look of defeat on his face. There was no way he could be off for the possible day of the procedure. The wonderful man that he is tried everything he could do to get off and even was willing to give up both of his off days so someone could give him just Monday. It was no use.  After all the worrying about making sure I had a way home from the hospital, and worrying about the money, and the needles, the hot flashes, sweating, tears, outbursts, and the many other side effects of all the pills, it was all useless. We cannot go through with it this round. We decided not to waist the shots and just wait till October.  Of course I was upset so much so that I went to bed super early (7:30 or 8) and cried myself to sleep.

While there is no one to really be mad at other than his job, I can’t even be mad at that. His job pays our bills, they provide us with a pretty decent health insurance, and are so accommodating with mostly everything Mike needs. However, I did take the pills that were required, so I have pure hormones running through my system and I want to be at someone or something! 

So okay God, I get it your timing is perfect. Thank you for my reminder, and I will trust your plan for our life! We were already starting to worry at the beginning of this turn that the bills were climbing too fast, I have to believe this is the answer to those questions, sadly I think my answer to those prayers is: “Not now, just wait”. So we will, we will pay down the debt in the next month, and look forward to when its time. 

Please just pray that in this next month or 2 we just wait with patient hearts. Waiting has never been something I consider myself good at. I’m not sure when it will be our turn, but I trust the plan that God has for my life. That has to be enough. 

Unwarranted advice.

If I hear the phrase "God's plan" or "Let go and let God" ONE MORE TIME!!!!

I am fully aware that God has a plan for my life, most days I accept this, and prayerfully seek his guidance for the days where it is harder to know. Not everyday for us is a walk in the park filled with daisies and sunshine. We know to appreciate the highs, you have to endure the lows. Again, I KNOW ALL OF THIS!!
For someone to approach me with advice that is unwarranted is appalling to me. Especially the people who seem to know more about my situation and God's path for me, than I do!  God and I are buddies, we chat! Especially lately I have a peace about this whole situation, and I know that only is coming from Him. So for you to sit there, and tell me what I am doing wrong, and how I need to ask God for better understanding is asinine.
This past 6 months, Mike and I have promised to be more open about the situation because people can't know they are being insensitive, unless they understand the root of the hurt. So we did this, and I regret it. Truth is, people still make stupid comments, people still say off the wall things, and people still are insensitive.
I strive everyday to be a good friend, and to be a shoulder for people to cry on when they are down. I want to be sensitive to their situation, yet give Christian advice when it is asked for, and it just boggles my mind that I do not get the same courtesy from 90% of the same people.
Truth is; yes, I have infertility I have experienced way more heartbreak in the past 5 years than most people do in a lifetime. It hurts. This whole journey consumes my life. I want people to be sensitive, but I have to understand, not always will that happen. For you to say, "stop trying" is like telling a sun to stop shining. Thanks, but no thanks.


This was all really jumbled and all over the place, but I am just simply tired of all the unwarranted advice.

No answers.....

We are done with the 2WW, and I still have no answers. My body is normally slower to react, so we decided to wait one week.

I did take a PG test on 11DPIUI because of the "symptoms" I was having. It was a big fat NO.
I convinced myself that it was just too early, and waited to test on Monday, during church on Sunday, I had a minor breakdown, what I assumed was spotting turned out to be nothing. On Monday morning I took the test, and it turned out to be "NO." My cousin gave me slight hope, and told me to check again that night. So I did, and it was still no. There should be no reason that my body is this late. I KNOW I ovulated, medicine made me. Then I should have had a normal 28-day period. Yet, still nothing.

I will call the doctor today, and wait an agonizing 3 days before I have the blood drawn to check the actual levels. Who knows what the answer will be, but the sooner I can have the actual answer, the sooner I can grieve, and get on with my life.

It's agonizing, constantly having to be "on." I never feel at peace or calm. I have tried lately talking to more people about this battle, but it only has made it worse. We were so confident that it was going to work, and now there are so many people who are going to feel "sympathy" when we have to tell them that it didn't. So if you are reading this... Please don't tell me you are sorry. I know people care, and they want this for us, as much as we do, but that phrase only makes it so much worse for me. There has never been a day in the past year where I haven't apologized to my husband for having to take this journey with me, all because he fell in love. I can't and won't apologize to everyone else, because my body failed.....yet again. This is the part that isn't talked about in the infertility world. This is down right HARD! This is why I like to be private! No expectations=no disappointments.

This whole journey my prayer has never been to make it "work." I simply wanted God to prepare my heart for what is to come. I turned it over to him, and truly think he has done just that.  My heart is ready either way. Of course if it's yes, there will not be another baby that is more loved or wanted, than ours, and they will know that. If it is no then I have been there before, and will accept it and plan out the next step. I just want the answer.

This weekend will be about me finding my smile again. I have put my poor husband through the ringer this last week, and have been all over the board with emotions. Hopefully I can change that. I know that he is the one person I don't have to pretend with. He is the one person that has not only just held me while I cried, but has cried with me. He deserves normalcy. My wish is that seeing him carefree will ease the pressure of waiting for Monday.

Prayer requests:
Please just pray for us, pray that somehow, and someway I find my smile again.

DYING

Ok... so maybe that is exaggerating just a little! 

However, this wait is excruciating. Every symptom is making me excited, and every pain is making me fear for the worst. I know of strong women who have had to do this 5 and 6 times, and all I can say is more power to them! This wait is unlike any other. I'm not sure why it's more intense, but each day I feel like the days are creeping by the closer we get to test date. 

My body has been doing some strange things, and I am trying to acknowledge it, but at the same time put it at the back of my mind. Things like: Yesterday, there was nothing that I could eat, that tasted right. Meals that I ate the night before; when I tried to eat it for lunch I was gagging. It was something about the texture. Snacks that I LOOOOOOVE I could barely eat. At dinner, meals that I like couldn't eat more than 2 or 3 bites. Everything just tasted weird. Today I am having massive hot flashes, and pains in my ovaries. Who knows, but I am continually praying over the whole situation. My prayer is just that God prepares my heart for what is happening. 

I need advice: The actual last day for our 2WW is this Sunday. I would have no problem testing on Sunday, and if it is bad just skipping church. BUT Sunday is the going away ceremony for a member of our church. I am in charge of handling the reception, and there is no way I cannot be there. Sunday is also an outing for our church that I have put together. Should I still test on Sunday, or hold off? I can't imagine testing on a workday and having to go through a whole work day grieving, or containing excitement to celebrate. My best friend said that she knows I need time to grieve or to celebrate. I couldn't agree more. But do I take a test in the afternoon, and risk it being wrong? There is no way that I can wait a another week....... WHAT TO DO??!!!?!?!!! 

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated! 

2 WW

Sorry this is late. I have been recovering from Monday. Here is the total update. I did update some while I was going through the process. The most recent update is at the bottom.

I get excited thinking of what's about to happen. I know that we have one shot, but still remaining positive about the one chance. I'm also nervous. The nerves definitley took over for what is to come. Husband kissed me goodbye this morning when he left to do "his part" 


Now on my way to the hospital. I am trying to keep up general conversations, and be perky, but my insides are turning into  knots. 

My stomach is in knots as I sit in the waiting room. I try to find some peace, but I can't relax or calm down. I can't explain why this moment has me so tense because I know it's painless. So why in the world am I freaking out? Errr! I know! THIS IS OUR ONE SHOT!! 

As my name is called, I stand, and immediately feel the tears welling up in my eyes. She takes me to the room, and tells me to get undressed and relax.... YEA RIGHT LADY! 


As I sit there, all I can do is cry. I want so badly for this to work, and to become a Mom. It's al I can think about. My poor sweet husband just holds my hands, looks at me and says "Let's pray" and talks to Jesus for us. He says everything I couldn't say, then looks at me and tells me to "let it all go" so I start talking and say out loud my wishes and desires. After this, Mike finally starts making me laugh with stupid jokes that only I would find amusing. 


The RE walks in, and explains the procedure, until she is sure that I have no more questions. Once the procedure starts I hold his hand and look at him, and only him. This is all that matters. The 2 of us. There is a ton of pressure, minor pinching involved, and a lot of tugging. After about 25 mins, she tells me that she is all done, and for me to lie back for about 10-15 mins. NOW WE WAIT! 


So we are currently in the 2ww (2 week wait). I started another medicine that is supposed to promote the chances for a healthy pregnancy. 


Prayer requests: 
This be a quick and painless wait  
Continue to pray and trust. (This has been my biggest struggle) 

IUI steps

So we have had one injection down and one to go. 

My sweet husband knew I could never do this by myself. So he took the responsibility of preparing it by himself, and making sure that everything was perfectly prepared according to instructions.

PLEASE ignore how hairy his arms/hands are. He seriously is like a grizzly bear!

The shot was not nearly as painful as I envisioned it would be. The needle was big, but not unbearable.
After the injection the medicine burned, more of a muscle burn, and then felt twinges in the left. I have done TONS of research and realized that this is completely normal! This means that it is working!

On Friday we have our last U/S before the big day!!! It looks like our last shot is going to be on Sunday and we have been told to give it at 10 am. Which means I get to sneak off at church and give myself a shot! Hoping I can talk to the doctor about maybe giving it at 8 in the morning. Then it looks like Monday is the big day! I am nervous, but I am ready for it to be over.

Please pray for the procedure.

It's on!!!

IUI has officially begun!!

As much as I wished that I would already be pregnant by now, and wouldn't have to go through with it. I'm glad to say that Monday was officially Day 1, called the RE and have my 3 day u/s tomorrow! This is the first time in almost 5 years that I have been excited about CD 1!

AND- Want to know who had a normal 28(ish) day (I started to see the signs on day 28, but didn't actually start till day 30) period all by herself, with no meds??!?!!! THIS GIRL!!!!!

I am not looking forward to going to going to the appointment alone, but I knew when we started I would have to do some of it alone! Keep reminding myself this is just another u/s. I have had plenty before! This is a piece of cake!

Prayers:
Calm nerves in the morning
Remember to ask the questions I have
Remain relaxed and enjoy the process tomorrow!

Pricey!

I just ordered $189 worth of 2 vials of medicine! One time..... THIS HAS TO WORK!

Pray please!

Answers

yesterday was our injections class. We watched to boredom of how the shots are supposed to be given.
I have found the actual video we watched....... please pay attention at the 1:49 mark when she basically STABS herself! THIS is why I will not be doing the injections myself!

IUI- Injections

We asked all of our questions and then our skin had to be examined to see what needle is appropriate for our body. I took a picture of the three options. Nurse D said I am likely to have option B or C.

Let's pray for B.

Then we had the best news of all. When we went for our first consultation last week. We had EXTENSIVE amounts of blood work done. I specifically asked to check my thyroid, AGAIN. There has never been a doubt in my mind that I have some issue with my thyroid. There is no reason that every other individual in my family is thin EXCEPT for me. Every doctor's visit, every check- up I always ask to check it, and it always comes back fine. Not this time!

Nurse D explained that the range for your thyroid is <.04. They do not even like it to be that "high" they prefer it to be under .03. My thyroid checked in at 8.4!!!!  While yes this is dangerously high, and means I will be on medication for the rest of my life, will probably have to have surgery to remove it at some point, and is not something that will "go away".  I HAVE ANSWERS!!! 


Want to know what causes infertility? Thyroid problems!


Want to know what causes PCOS? Thyroid problems! 


Want to know what causes a low sex drive? Thyroid problems! 


Want to know why I cannot loose weight no matter how hard I try? Thyroid problems! 


Want to know what causes unexplained infertility? Thyroid problems! 


Want to know why I can't ovulate? Thyroid problems! 


Want to know what the number one cause in miscarriages is? Thyroid problems!  


I was also shown a chart that shows if you get pregnant on your own without treating Thyroid problems there is a 90-95% chance of miscarriage. Your body just cannot sustain the additional changes.

For almost 5 years, I have prayed that I would find the answers! That I would know WHY I had to suffer to long without getting my miracle. I HAVE MY ANSWER!

I left the hospital yesterday in tears, not sad tears, HAPPY tears! I witnessed my prayer finally being answered, and so today I am just thankful and appreciative.

I cried and let go of the guilt like I never have before. This stupid battle was not my fault. I have struggled so hard to understand and have lived in constant fear that I was being judged because of my weight, and now I know there is nothing I could have done, even if I wanted to!! My PCOS was all because of the thyroid. Infertility is because of the Thyroid, and now that I will have medicine to correct it, I can move on!!!! I cried because for so long I have thought I was "broken" and I'm not. My body just needed medicine. I was also able to go to the hospital THAT night without feeling sad, or depressed. I finally realized that THIS WAS OUT OF MY CONTROL!

Why this has never been detected before, I HAVE NO CLUE! I will find out, but not right now, I just want to be happy for a minute!

Other than that, the class went great. Our shots were ordered, and as soon as the next cycle starts, I will have an ultra-sound, and then start them! Husband will be administering them, and promises not to hurt me. They also have to done at night, so he has promised to give me whatever I need and pamper me that night! :) I will also take different medicines to promote a healthy pregnancy.

Then we found out that if it results in a positive pregnancy. (Fingers crossed) We will have an ultrasound once a week for 12 weeks. YAY!!! I get to see our baby(ies) every week! Now I can be positive and actually believe that this might work!

PLUS- our insurance has changed its policy and SO FAR everything has been covered EVERYTHING!

Thanks so much for all your prayers! They were heard!!

Prayer requests:
I am dealing with some other family stuff that needs to be fixed.
Pray that God is glorified through all of this!
Pray that I can share my faith through this!

Results.

Have no idea why the past 2 posts never posted. But now you have plenty of material to read.

Yesterday was a 50/50 kind of day. I decided to take the day off to be able to relax and not concentrate on what the day would bring. Thankfully I did just that. I slept late, I cleaned, and I had a marathon of Twilight movies running (don't judge me).
Thankfully I got to spend some time in the car by myself, and had 2 wonderful friends who did nothing but make me laugh and completely distract my brain. There is a peace when you have friends who know instantly why you are calling and who accept the challenge. I love you both!

The details of the doctor's appointment.
We will try IUI one cycle. She really doesn't want to do it, but is willing to try just no more than once.
We will do the combination of injectables and non medicines. She is only letting me do one shot a week as compared to 4-5 a week. It reduces the chance for multiples (not by much) but she said I should not have that many hormones being so young. (side note: If I hear one more person tell me this.... I will SCREAM!!)
We discussed EVERYTHING that I have done since then, discussed in great detail all of my symptoms, and she gave me the diagnosis that I feared. The endometreosis is back. It is the only thing that could explain half of the symptoms I am having, as well as the "unexplained infertility".  So the bad is that not only is she only doing one round, she said that she's not sure confident that it will work.
The endometrosis is back and will cause problems.

The good is that it is being done. That's all that matters. We will try it once. I'm praying harder than I ever have before, that it only takes once.
We have our injectables teaching class next thursday. We will get our "schedule" and go from there.

Prayer requests:
I think it's obvious. IT HAS TO WORK!

Sleepless in Grantville.

This didn't post either. Monday June 25, 2012. 

Its approximately 11:45 at night. Tomorrow is our big "appointment". I have given up the idea of sleeping tonight. I'm frustrated, I'm scared, and I am nervous. Tomorrow could go so well, and yet so bad at the same time. I have prayed as much as I know how, and am trying to "ease my mind". The moment I start thinking about it, my brain goes to the "What if's" game and I can't and won't let it go there. 

I am sitting here next to this sleeping incredible man, that is human and is getting as frustrated as I am. He wants a child just as much as I do, but he hates the schedules, he hates the doctors, he hates the appointments, he hates the lack of privacy. When it comes to infertility there is no privacy in our relationship. We will have to share every intimate detail of our marriage, that in theory is supposed to be private. Where is the justice in that? Sometimes looking at him it is all I can do not to cry in anger. He wants so badly to have the future we envisioned together. To realize that it will not happen "our" way is scary. 

So here I am. Broken and confused, yet still hopeful. Is that all even possible? 

Please pray for tomorrow. Please? 

Tuesday.

Not sure why this didn't post. It was wrote on Saturday June 23, 2012.

Today, while I lay by the pool, I can't help but feel sad. I have this adorable 5 month old baby laying on my chest, and I am surrounded by incredible friends, but still sadness.
Tuesday is the day we OFFICIALLY start our next step in the TTC journey. We have a meeting with a reproductive specialist to begin IUI.
I feel almost like a puppy dog who has a bone being dangled in front of me. They throw and I fetch. At  every appointment, the doctors make a suggestion as to what I should do next. Give me medicine, and tell me to follow up. Never any real solutions, so here we are 2 years after seeing this doctor the second time, and I am still childless. I have conquered the list of things that they have asked me to do. My fear is that it will all be the same. They will say you still need to do...this, this and this. My biggest fear that I am trying to suppress is that I am not a candidate any longer for IUI, I must go directly to IVF.
Please say a prayer that Tuesday goes well. I am trying NOT to let it consume my every thought but am failing. I NEED it to go well.

Why today?

Today is Father's Day. Today is a day we are to recognize the great men in our life who are fathers. I have been blessed to have the most hard working free anyone could ever have. My father walked 25 miles one way for a week to ensure that he worked so we could have food. That to me is love and sacrifice. I am blessed to call him my daddy.
Today is also the day, for some many years that I thought I could celebrate my husband as a father to our children, and I still haven't. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel a small ping of guilt for sticking beside me, when i cant give him anything he needs. I know that this infertility battle is not mine alone, it is our together, but I can't help it. He has never once complained or showed disappointment but I know he must feel it. How can he not? each month when my period is late, he holds that glimmer of hope for both of us.
So why today? Why THIS day of all days do I have to tell him that yet again it isn't our turn. That today starts another cycle of tests and treatments and monitoring, and scheduling. There is nothing fun about any of that anymore. Why today?
Why today when I have to go to church and put on a happy face in front of about 300 people and smile and pretend like I am okay, when in reality I'm dying inside.
Why is today the day of all days for me to have volunteered to watch the nursery during both services?
Why today do I have to be reminded what a failure my body really is. I know I have no other option today, other than to just bear it and move on.
That is just what I have to do today.
This is the reality of a person with infertility.

So, June 17,2012 is CD 1.

Being anxious.

Husband and I have finally settled into our next chapter of our IF journey. In late June we will begin the process for Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). Here's how we got there...... 

 At the beginning of May, we had to use majority of our "treatment" money saved up to do some major repairs on Mike's truck. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. We had tried to save for so long. Then to make the situation unbearable, Mike wrecked his truck the very next day. What we thought was a horrible situation turned into a HUGE blessing. Mike's truck was deemed a total loss. After battling for a month with the insurance company and finance company we finally got a check to pay off the balance with money left over to purchase a new one. Our prayers had been answered we had our "treatment" money back plus enough for 2 more rounds!!! PRAISE GOD!!  

We sat down and analyzed all of our options; we discussed pros and cons of it all. We discussed blessings and repercussions from all angels. Even against my better judgment we discussed how our families would react to "extreme measures” Finally we decided that being proactive for us would be the best option. 

While there may be people who think that we are being to extreme and we should just "let it happen". Those people are the people we will not be including in on this journey. I understand that there comes an apprehension with all of this, but those are my fears, my husbands and mine alone. We do not need your stresses to add to what we already feel. I have waited for 4 1/2 years to hold a child in my arms that is mine. This only seems like progress and not defeat.

We made an appointment the very next day. We will begin in late June. I have my first appointment to have blood drawn and to begin the "monitoring" phase. 

I am excited to feel like I am doing something to get me closer, but at the same time I do have worries and fears. Trying to compartmentalize is challenging. I wake up every morning with a smile thinking I am one day closer to my happily ever after, but by the time my shower is done, I have fears that my past has caused. I loose that hope, because I am used to being disappointed. I WON'T allow myself to see my happily ever after, and instead am worrying about all the small things that in the big picture are inconsequential. 

I am anxious about STUPID things, and don't know how to let it go. 

My employers know that there will be a day that I have to call out of work, and they know what for. However, his employers have only allotted up to 2 hours of being late. He has to have a day off pre-arranged 2 weeks in advance. OBVIOUSLY that is not possible with the nature of this procedure! So our plan is during the monitoring process, I will wake up every morning at 4 to "check" if it is positive, then we will go immediately to the hospital. The hospital we are going to is over an hour away.  We will get to the hospital and his part be done by 6 am, this way he can leave and be at work by normal time. The only problem we are running into is I will opt for a Valium shot to ensure that all my muscles relax and the right things can happen. In order to do that, I have to have a ride home from the hospital pre-arranged, and I do not have one. If possible I know my husband would risk his job to ensure that I get home safe. But, his job is important to him, and to me. I won't risk that. So we are scrambling to find the least stressful person for me to be in the care of until he gets home.  

To be blunt, I will not allow people to jeopardize this. So the only people those are being considered, as options are the people that will ensure that I can get home safely, and make sure that MY needs are taken care of that day. We just do not very many people to choose from. We have our parents, but they both battle health problems, and to ensure that I am taken care of might risk them, and again, I cannot be worried about something else that morning other than RELAXING! Our only other options are my few closest friends and they either will either A. have a newborn, B. have 2 kids and one of them being an infant, or C. could possibly be out of town with her husband, and we just have to have a definite YES for that morning.  

Of course the money scares me and it is intimidating, but that is actually the one aspect I am least worried about. That includes both of us. We both look at this as an amazing opportunity, and will not have another chance like this. If it doesn't work the first time, we will have to evaluate again. The money might be an issue then.  We just need major prayers. 

We need guidance on what to do from here out. I am putting my trust in Christ more than I think I ever have. We have our appointment on the 26th, and literally am doing EVERYTHING to put this out of my head, because when I think about it, I get sick so I ignore it.  

Prayer requests: We need right person to come forward to be my caregiver in July for a day. The doctor's appointment to go AMAZING! I am currently 6 days late, so fingers crossed- I might not need any of this! The tension to subside and I just enjoy the whole process coming up.  

Thanks everyone! Marie 

Confused

This past week has been heart wrenching, confusing, and agonizing.
    The heart wrenching is really that, a very close friend went into the doctor with what she thought was indigestion at 25 weeks, and ended up having to deliver her baby boy and he sadly passed away just a short time later. My heart cried out for her. I was stuck with all these WHY questions. I was mad and angry at God for her. Frankly I still am pissed off. Someone who is as good and noble as she is, DOES not deserve that kind of pain. I am trying to be a really good friend to her right now, but still feel inadequate in the word department. She was so kind and sensitive about telling me privately about her pregnancy and making me understand that she was praying for me, and so I am returning the favor. I am praying constantly her. (I really hope you know that!! :-) I am sure you do!)
    The confusing is still what path God wants us on. We have made an appointment for June 14, to begin the IUI process. I am not sure where this will take us, or what it means, I just know that I can not experience one more Mother's day/Father's day being childless. We still have all the paper work with DFACS still submitted, we just have to attend the "classes" and have to have the therapy portion of the process. I have thought for a long time that I need therapy and some way to talk about all of it without judgement.
   Finally, the agonizing. My father has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia, before it was just speculation, but now more and more I see the signs on his face. He was also confirmed to having mild strokes in his face. My father is the man I consistently lean on for strength. (Other than my husband of course). Seeing him literally loose his strength by the day has been challenging.
   I am doing the best I can to stay positive and to keep a "brave" face through it all and remain positive no matter what. Each day that proves harder than the last.

Wordless

Pretty much just how I feel right now.  Because as soon as those tears are done, I can get out and put my "happy face" on. Trying to battle so many thoughts and emotions , and haven't felt comfortable to let them out to anyone yet........ Prayers are appreciated.

CD1

And so it starts all over with CD1.

12 Get to know you questions!

Questions
1. What do you order at Starbucks? I don't usually go to Starbucks. But normally I order a Carmel frappe with extra shots of caramel.
2. What is the one thing in your closet that you couldn't do without? I love long flowy shirts. I have a really long torso, so if I can find a shirt that will cover it without me tugging all day, I am happy.
3. What's one thing that most people probably don't know about you? I have one foot that is significantlly bigger than the other. One size is a comfortable 9 and the other is a 10. Weird! 
4. Name one thing you want to do before you die. I really want to see Europe!
5. What's one food you can't live without? Bread/Pasta. I wish I could but it is just plain hard!
6. What quote or phrase to you live your life by? In the end it will all be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end. AND It is the darkest right before dawn.
7. What is your number 1 most listened to song on iTunes? Right now it is Blown away by Carrie Underwood, and Leather and Lace by Stevie Knicks.
8. What kind of style would you define yourself as having? Casual, and chic.
9. What is your favourite number? 3
10. What are 2 of your hobbies? I love crafts, and I LOOOOOVE to bake
11. What are 2 of your pet peeves? Leaving cabinet doors open, and salt on the table.
12. What is your guilty pleasure? Drama Shows, (Right now I am addicted to Veronica Mars) 


TAG! You do it! 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I have subscribed to a blog on Youtube and she describes it best here........ Infertility SUCKS!!

My thoughts exactly. Even though I am CD 23. I did take the Clomid this month and had a positive OPK on CD 16.  I still have a thought it will be negative. I am tricking my brain to thinking it will be positive. I need to be positive, so prayers are appreciated.

Just wanted to let you guys know that this is how I am feeling. I do not want to sound like a Debbie Downer but I want people to let the "burden" of trying to not offend me go.

I will be positive though, until I have a reason not to be.

Thanks guys!

WAAAAAYYYY TMI> You've been warned.

Nothing out of the ordinary here. Well for the most part. I went 54 days without any sign of a period. Was prescribed 400 mg of Progesterone. My dosage the last time was 30! The doctors went ahead and prescribed Hydrocodone as well, and man did I need it. I had the most awful cramps, was irritable, moody, hot flashes, night sweats, all wrapped up into a nice ugly package. I was told "monitor the flow" which means I had to store things in a bag and let them see how much of the lining was shedding.  I get a call the next day saying it is not enough. It is only a 1/3 of what it is supposed to be. <Just kill me slowly> So we are currently ignoring all phone calls from the doctor.  We are waiting it out in order to see what happens. They want to up the prescription to 650 mg. I have talked it over with Mike and we would rather me have the surgery in order to scrape the remaining lining out, instead of going through with the medicine.
We have a small anniversary trip planned this weekend. On Sunday will mark 7 years that he asked me to be his girlfriend, and we had our first kiss.
I am currently doing the OPK's but that is only because the lack of knowledge hurts my chances for the doctors to help me. I am not scheduling anything and am just trying to enjoy being with my husband again, to get my brain to shut off is the hardest part, but I owe that to him.
Thank you for all the prayers. I currently have 3 baby showers on the horizon that I am involved in, and I am surprisingly handling it very well. No melt downs..... yet.

Until next time,
Marie

Pin Cushions.

Really tired of being a human pin cushion. Praying for high beta levels!

Expectations.

I told myself that I wasn't going to get my hopes up. I told myself that I wasn't going to expect anything different. BUT after a night of extremely vivid dreams of a pregnancy test that is positive it's hard bit to let my hopes up. I still have yet to have a period and even though I'm not looking forward to it it would be more of a definite answer. I thought it was going to come twice now and still hasn't. I've had the beginning stages but never progressed. Yet again a small amount of hope. I wish i could have the happily ever after. Being surrounded by mothers at church is rough. Even more rough? I know I have checked out of the feelings.
What hurts is I have guilted my closest friends into feeling like they should actually wait to have more children. I realize how wrong that is, and all I can say is I am soooo sorry.
I still feel like I am stuck standing still while the while world is zooming past me. explaining that pain is excruciating. Just another pain in this stupid world of infertility. Just another lesson.

Loving friends pt. 2

First a quick update. M is currently in the field for his Army duties. It is a survival weekend with the bare minimum and added onto a qualifying weekend at the rifle range. Neither I am concerned about. He literally thrives in the military environment. It is where he is at his strongest.
 There are a few things going on with the TTC aspect of our lives. I am trying to keep it all in, and not share all the aspects of our infertility life anymore, but with him being gone there is no one to vent to or share with. I keep telling myself I will not let myself go there, but I ALWAYS do. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be hopeful, but not let go of the reality that is our situation. I am doing better around others, and I can even look hold conversations with others about their expected children or children. There have been a few minor slip ups where I have to excuse myself from a room, or I need to shut people out in order to protect my heart, and I think that is okay.

I have been bombarded lately with people's "advice" and have even found a really AMAZING blog about loving your friend through infertility. I have read it and can honestly say this is what I needed my friends to hear. I will not paraphrase what she wrote. I will not due it justice.

http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-series/

Her words are powerful and everything is based off scripture. There is a really great post about loving your friend yet asking questions. This is what I sometimes hope for. I am not asking Our friendship to be like in the movies, but I am asking you to care. As much effort as I have put forth I need you to see how to return that. But if anyone knows a thing about me, you will know that I do not and will not ever ask for that.

There are several posts about what and how to pray for a friend struggling with infertility, and I will only add to that list. Please pray for my heart. My parents both suffer from a form of depression and I tend to take stuff way to personal when it doesn’t need to be. Please just pray for my heart to stay guarded a little bit. I need some sort of privacy in my life, and I think I am finally finding that.

The post about what not to say is DEAD ON!! To put it bluntly, people say stupid things. I have had most of these said to me a time or 6 and it hurts. But I understand, if you have never had to live this life then you will never understand the burden we feel.  *Let me clarify one though. If you are reading this then you know Mike and I have considered adoption. We have all the paperwork to submit and know the steps now. HOWEVER- There is a loss when it comes to infertility. This is where my depression comes in. Adopting is not going to make that loss go away. I am very private about this, and will continue to be. I know the steps I need to take before we can move on. I need to seek counseling to let it all go, and WE as a couple need to accept that. This is what is holding us back.  The “Your so young” comment is the most hurtful to me. I KNOWWWWWW I am only 25, BUT where I saw my life as far as parenthood and where it is are 2 very different things. By 25 in my head I had 2.5 kids. Yet here I am, with NONE. Not even pregnant. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS TO ME!!!! 

The last one that I will mention is the one from the husbands perspective. There is no one on this planet who deserves to be a father more than my husband. If I would have one request though. It's for people to understand that he is hurting too. He needs as much support through this as I do. I am not sure how to help him. But maybe you do. An occasional FB post or message just to let him know that he is not caring all of this on his own. M would never admit that he is struggling but you can see how much this whole situation is affecting him as much as it is me. He just hides it better. Pray for my dear sweet husband. 

I THINK I am done for now. Thank you all for reading. Thank you for the e-mails and thank you for the encouragment. It means everything.

Until next time.......  

Loving friends

I finally found a few blogs and quotes that I need to sit down and form together into thoughts of how I personally feel, so my friends can better understand how to love a friend like me through this world of infertility. Stay tuned........

I GET IT!

I try to tell myself every month that I will not get my hopes up. Right now we are about 6 days past when the expected period is supposed to come, and I am TRYING REALLY REALLY hard. But my brain always goes there. The thought of how I will tell everyone. How I will tell Mike. I'm excited for one day to get that privilege but I don't think it's March 22, 2012.

I decided a.couple days ago that I would take a personal day from work to rest. I could feel myself getting sick and did not that to get out of hand. When I woke up this morning I got God's message loud and clear. I have a fever sour throat, cough, sneezing, headache, sore muscles. I GET IT GOD I NEED A DAY TO REST.

Unfortunately, to go back to work I must go to the doctor and I'm trying to remain positive that they could tell me the "good news" but I am also very realistic that probably won't happen.

Please pray for my spirit to fight through, to be able to remain hopeful even through the hard times. Pray for quick healing from whatever crud I have caught. I GET IT!! Back to rest I go....