Expectations.

I told myself that I wasn't going to get my hopes up. I told myself that I wasn't going to expect anything different. BUT after a night of extremely vivid dreams of a pregnancy test that is positive it's hard bit to let my hopes up. I still have yet to have a period and even though I'm not looking forward to it it would be more of a definite answer. I thought it was going to come twice now and still hasn't. I've had the beginning stages but never progressed. Yet again a small amount of hope. I wish i could have the happily ever after. Being surrounded by mothers at church is rough. Even more rough? I know I have checked out of the feelings.
What hurts is I have guilted my closest friends into feeling like they should actually wait to have more children. I realize how wrong that is, and all I can say is I am soooo sorry.
I still feel like I am stuck standing still while the while world is zooming past me. explaining that pain is excruciating. Just another pain in this stupid world of infertility. Just another lesson.

Loving friends pt. 2

First a quick update. M is currently in the field for his Army duties. It is a survival weekend with the bare minimum and added onto a qualifying weekend at the rifle range. Neither I am concerned about. He literally thrives in the military environment. It is where he is at his strongest.
 There are a few things going on with the TTC aspect of our lives. I am trying to keep it all in, and not share all the aspects of our infertility life anymore, but with him being gone there is no one to vent to or share with. I keep telling myself I will not let myself go there, but I ALWAYS do. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be hopeful, but not let go of the reality that is our situation. I am doing better around others, and I can even look hold conversations with others about their expected children or children. There have been a few minor slip ups where I have to excuse myself from a room, or I need to shut people out in order to protect my heart, and I think that is okay.

I have been bombarded lately with people's "advice" and have even found a really AMAZING blog about loving your friend through infertility. I have read it and can honestly say this is what I needed my friends to hear. I will not paraphrase what she wrote. I will not due it justice.

http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-series/

Her words are powerful and everything is based off scripture. There is a really great post about loving your friend yet asking questions. This is what I sometimes hope for. I am not asking Our friendship to be like in the movies, but I am asking you to care. As much effort as I have put forth I need you to see how to return that. But if anyone knows a thing about me, you will know that I do not and will not ever ask for that.

There are several posts about what and how to pray for a friend struggling with infertility, and I will only add to that list. Please pray for my heart. My parents both suffer from a form of depression and I tend to take stuff way to personal when it doesn’t need to be. Please just pray for my heart to stay guarded a little bit. I need some sort of privacy in my life, and I think I am finally finding that.

The post about what not to say is DEAD ON!! To put it bluntly, people say stupid things. I have had most of these said to me a time or 6 and it hurts. But I understand, if you have never had to live this life then you will never understand the burden we feel.  *Let me clarify one though. If you are reading this then you know Mike and I have considered adoption. We have all the paperwork to submit and know the steps now. HOWEVER- There is a loss when it comes to infertility. This is where my depression comes in. Adopting is not going to make that loss go away. I am very private about this, and will continue to be. I know the steps I need to take before we can move on. I need to seek counseling to let it all go, and WE as a couple need to accept that. This is what is holding us back.  The “Your so young” comment is the most hurtful to me. I KNOWWWWWW I am only 25, BUT where I saw my life as far as parenthood and where it is are 2 very different things. By 25 in my head I had 2.5 kids. Yet here I am, with NONE. Not even pregnant. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS TO ME!!!! 

The last one that I will mention is the one from the husbands perspective. There is no one on this planet who deserves to be a father more than my husband. If I would have one request though. It's for people to understand that he is hurting too. He needs as much support through this as I do. I am not sure how to help him. But maybe you do. An occasional FB post or message just to let him know that he is not caring all of this on his own. M would never admit that he is struggling but you can see how much this whole situation is affecting him as much as it is me. He just hides it better. Pray for my dear sweet husband. 

I THINK I am done for now. Thank you all for reading. Thank you for the e-mails and thank you for the encouragment. It means everything.

Until next time.......  

Loving friends

I finally found a few blogs and quotes that I need to sit down and form together into thoughts of how I personally feel, so my friends can better understand how to love a friend like me through this world of infertility. Stay tuned........

I GET IT!

I try to tell myself every month that I will not get my hopes up. Right now we are about 6 days past when the expected period is supposed to come, and I am TRYING REALLY REALLY hard. But my brain always goes there. The thought of how I will tell everyone. How I will tell Mike. I'm excited for one day to get that privilege but I don't think it's March 22, 2012.

I decided a.couple days ago that I would take a personal day from work to rest. I could feel myself getting sick and did not that to get out of hand. When I woke up this morning I got God's message loud and clear. I have a fever sour throat, cough, sneezing, headache, sore muscles. I GET IT GOD I NEED A DAY TO REST.

Unfortunately, to go back to work I must go to the doctor and I'm trying to remain positive that they could tell me the "good news" but I am also very realistic that probably won't happen.

Please pray for my spirit to fight through, to be able to remain hopeful even through the hard times. Pray for quick healing from whatever crud I have caught. I GET IT!! Back to rest I go....

I'm choosing to hope.

I'm choosing to be hopeful.

 I am the brace-for-the-worst and hope for the best kind of person, but in the process of doing that I am loosing who I am. I am no longer the girl with the infectious smile that laughs at her self, makes silly jokes, acts like a goof ball, LOVES herself, and above all else has FAITH to get her through the toughest situations. There are times when she comes back, or makes a rare appearance and it makes me miss who I was before all of this got started.

My incredible husband who has never let me face this world of infertility alone is constantly reminding me that I am going to be a mother one day. One day soon. No one in my life is as reassuring as he is. I want to be hopeful for him. I want him to have a normal wife again. So for that I am choosing to be hopeful.

Although they would never openly admit it, I know that there are people who have distanced themselves from me, because all my brain can only seem to talk about the need for that "dream" to become reality. I want those friendships back, so I am choosing to be hopeful.

My family and the closest friends have to hear me cry about having this stupid battle. They all have their own battles and struggles that each is going through that I want to be completely there for him and be the kind of friend that they have been to me. For them, I am choosing to be hopeful.

I dont for a second think this is going to be an easy battle. I feel like I need to personally take care of it all and "handle" it. There is nothing left in my hands to handle. I have given it all over to Christ and trust that he knows my heart. I have found myself thinking about all of it less, and focusing on other aspects of my life. I haven't been to the doctor in over 6 weeks, and really feel refreshed. I chose a couple days ago to stop doing all the ovulation tests and the "predictors" I finally took my husband off the "schedule" and have learned the less stress I put on my mind about it all, the less stress my body will feel.

I have had the same prayer for over 4 years, and still do not understand the bigger picture of it all, but I do see the lessons. I have cried out in anger, I have trembled in fear, I have lost who I wanted to be. I am getting that person back though, I am determined. I won't let sadness steal my future. I won't let pain steal my hopes and ambitions.  

I know somewhere deep inside of me I will hold a child of mine in my arms. I will hold onto that thought and that hope, the only difference is I will hold that thought in my heart, and be hopeful for the dark days.

I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. (repetition right..?)