No answers.....

We are done with the 2WW, and I still have no answers. My body is normally slower to react, so we decided to wait one week.

I did take a PG test on 11DPIUI because of the "symptoms" I was having. It was a big fat NO.
I convinced myself that it was just too early, and waited to test on Monday, during church on Sunday, I had a minor breakdown, what I assumed was spotting turned out to be nothing. On Monday morning I took the test, and it turned out to be "NO." My cousin gave me slight hope, and told me to check again that night. So I did, and it was still no. There should be no reason that my body is this late. I KNOW I ovulated, medicine made me. Then I should have had a normal 28-day period. Yet, still nothing.

I will call the doctor today, and wait an agonizing 3 days before I have the blood drawn to check the actual levels. Who knows what the answer will be, but the sooner I can have the actual answer, the sooner I can grieve, and get on with my life.

It's agonizing, constantly having to be "on." I never feel at peace or calm. I have tried lately talking to more people about this battle, but it only has made it worse. We were so confident that it was going to work, and now there are so many people who are going to feel "sympathy" when we have to tell them that it didn't. So if you are reading this... Please don't tell me you are sorry. I know people care, and they want this for us, as much as we do, but that phrase only makes it so much worse for me. There has never been a day in the past year where I haven't apologized to my husband for having to take this journey with me, all because he fell in love. I can't and won't apologize to everyone else, because my body failed.....yet again. This is the part that isn't talked about in the infertility world. This is down right HARD! This is why I like to be private! No expectations=no disappointments.

This whole journey my prayer has never been to make it "work." I simply wanted God to prepare my heart for what is to come. I turned it over to him, and truly think he has done just that.  My heart is ready either way. Of course if it's yes, there will not be another baby that is more loved or wanted, than ours, and they will know that. If it is no then I have been there before, and will accept it and plan out the next step. I just want the answer.

This weekend will be about me finding my smile again. I have put my poor husband through the ringer this last week, and have been all over the board with emotions. Hopefully I can change that. I know that he is the one person I don't have to pretend with. He is the one person that has not only just held me while I cried, but has cried with me. He deserves normalcy. My wish is that seeing him carefree will ease the pressure of waiting for Monday.

Prayer requests:
Please just pray for us, pray that somehow, and someway I find my smile again.

DYING

Ok... so maybe that is exaggerating just a little! 

However, this wait is excruciating. Every symptom is making me excited, and every pain is making me fear for the worst. I know of strong women who have had to do this 5 and 6 times, and all I can say is more power to them! This wait is unlike any other. I'm not sure why it's more intense, but each day I feel like the days are creeping by the closer we get to test date. 

My body has been doing some strange things, and I am trying to acknowledge it, but at the same time put it at the back of my mind. Things like: Yesterday, there was nothing that I could eat, that tasted right. Meals that I ate the night before; when I tried to eat it for lunch I was gagging. It was something about the texture. Snacks that I LOOOOOOVE I could barely eat. At dinner, meals that I like couldn't eat more than 2 or 3 bites. Everything just tasted weird. Today I am having massive hot flashes, and pains in my ovaries. Who knows, but I am continually praying over the whole situation. My prayer is just that God prepares my heart for what is happening. 

I need advice: The actual last day for our 2WW is this Sunday. I would have no problem testing on Sunday, and if it is bad just skipping church. BUT Sunday is the going away ceremony for a member of our church. I am in charge of handling the reception, and there is no way I cannot be there. Sunday is also an outing for our church that I have put together. Should I still test on Sunday, or hold off? I can't imagine testing on a workday and having to go through a whole work day grieving, or containing excitement to celebrate. My best friend said that she knows I need time to grieve or to celebrate. I couldn't agree more. But do I take a test in the afternoon, and risk it being wrong? There is no way that I can wait a another week....... WHAT TO DO??!!!?!?!!! 

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated! 

2 WW

Sorry this is late. I have been recovering from Monday. Here is the total update. I did update some while I was going through the process. The most recent update is at the bottom.

I get excited thinking of what's about to happen. I know that we have one shot, but still remaining positive about the one chance. I'm also nervous. The nerves definitley took over for what is to come. Husband kissed me goodbye this morning when he left to do "his part" 


Now on my way to the hospital. I am trying to keep up general conversations, and be perky, but my insides are turning into  knots. 

My stomach is in knots as I sit in the waiting room. I try to find some peace, but I can't relax or calm down. I can't explain why this moment has me so tense because I know it's painless. So why in the world am I freaking out? Errr! I know! THIS IS OUR ONE SHOT!! 

As my name is called, I stand, and immediately feel the tears welling up in my eyes. She takes me to the room, and tells me to get undressed and relax.... YEA RIGHT LADY! 


As I sit there, all I can do is cry. I want so badly for this to work, and to become a Mom. It's al I can think about. My poor sweet husband just holds my hands, looks at me and says "Let's pray" and talks to Jesus for us. He says everything I couldn't say, then looks at me and tells me to "let it all go" so I start talking and say out loud my wishes and desires. After this, Mike finally starts making me laugh with stupid jokes that only I would find amusing. 


The RE walks in, and explains the procedure, until she is sure that I have no more questions. Once the procedure starts I hold his hand and look at him, and only him. This is all that matters. The 2 of us. There is a ton of pressure, minor pinching involved, and a lot of tugging. After about 25 mins, she tells me that she is all done, and for me to lie back for about 10-15 mins. NOW WE WAIT! 


So we are currently in the 2ww (2 week wait). I started another medicine that is supposed to promote the chances for a healthy pregnancy. 


Prayer requests: 
This be a quick and painless wait  
Continue to pray and trust. (This has been my biggest struggle)