Results.

Have no idea why the past 2 posts never posted. But now you have plenty of material to read.

Yesterday was a 50/50 kind of day. I decided to take the day off to be able to relax and not concentrate on what the day would bring. Thankfully I did just that. I slept late, I cleaned, and I had a marathon of Twilight movies running (don't judge me).
Thankfully I got to spend some time in the car by myself, and had 2 wonderful friends who did nothing but make me laugh and completely distract my brain. There is a peace when you have friends who know instantly why you are calling and who accept the challenge. I love you both!

The details of the doctor's appointment.
We will try IUI one cycle. She really doesn't want to do it, but is willing to try just no more than once.
We will do the combination of injectables and non medicines. She is only letting me do one shot a week as compared to 4-5 a week. It reduces the chance for multiples (not by much) but she said I should not have that many hormones being so young. (side note: If I hear one more person tell me this.... I will SCREAM!!)
We discussed EVERYTHING that I have done since then, discussed in great detail all of my symptoms, and she gave me the diagnosis that I feared. The endometreosis is back. It is the only thing that could explain half of the symptoms I am having, as well as the "unexplained infertility".  So the bad is that not only is she only doing one round, she said that she's not sure confident that it will work.
The endometrosis is back and will cause problems.

The good is that it is being done. That's all that matters. We will try it once. I'm praying harder than I ever have before, that it only takes once.
We have our injectables teaching class next thursday. We will get our "schedule" and go from there.

Prayer requests:
I think it's obvious. IT HAS TO WORK!

Sleepless in Grantville.

This didn't post either. Monday June 25, 2012. 

Its approximately 11:45 at night. Tomorrow is our big "appointment". I have given up the idea of sleeping tonight. I'm frustrated, I'm scared, and I am nervous. Tomorrow could go so well, and yet so bad at the same time. I have prayed as much as I know how, and am trying to "ease my mind". The moment I start thinking about it, my brain goes to the "What if's" game and I can't and won't let it go there. 

I am sitting here next to this sleeping incredible man, that is human and is getting as frustrated as I am. He wants a child just as much as I do, but he hates the schedules, he hates the doctors, he hates the appointments, he hates the lack of privacy. When it comes to infertility there is no privacy in our relationship. We will have to share every intimate detail of our marriage, that in theory is supposed to be private. Where is the justice in that? Sometimes looking at him it is all I can do not to cry in anger. He wants so badly to have the future we envisioned together. To realize that it will not happen "our" way is scary. 

So here I am. Broken and confused, yet still hopeful. Is that all even possible? 

Please pray for tomorrow. Please? 

Tuesday.

Not sure why this didn't post. It was wrote on Saturday June 23, 2012.

Today, while I lay by the pool, I can't help but feel sad. I have this adorable 5 month old baby laying on my chest, and I am surrounded by incredible friends, but still sadness.
Tuesday is the day we OFFICIALLY start our next step in the TTC journey. We have a meeting with a reproductive specialist to begin IUI.
I feel almost like a puppy dog who has a bone being dangled in front of me. They throw and I fetch. At  every appointment, the doctors make a suggestion as to what I should do next. Give me medicine, and tell me to follow up. Never any real solutions, so here we are 2 years after seeing this doctor the second time, and I am still childless. I have conquered the list of things that they have asked me to do. My fear is that it will all be the same. They will say you still need to do...this, this and this. My biggest fear that I am trying to suppress is that I am not a candidate any longer for IUI, I must go directly to IVF.
Please say a prayer that Tuesday goes well. I am trying NOT to let it consume my every thought but am failing. I NEED it to go well.

Why today?

Today is Father's Day. Today is a day we are to recognize the great men in our life who are fathers. I have been blessed to have the most hard working free anyone could ever have. My father walked 25 miles one way for a week to ensure that he worked so we could have food. That to me is love and sacrifice. I am blessed to call him my daddy.
Today is also the day, for some many years that I thought I could celebrate my husband as a father to our children, and I still haven't. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel a small ping of guilt for sticking beside me, when i cant give him anything he needs. I know that this infertility battle is not mine alone, it is our together, but I can't help it. He has never once complained or showed disappointment but I know he must feel it. How can he not? each month when my period is late, he holds that glimmer of hope for both of us.
So why today? Why THIS day of all days do I have to tell him that yet again it isn't our turn. That today starts another cycle of tests and treatments and monitoring, and scheduling. There is nothing fun about any of that anymore. Why today?
Why today when I have to go to church and put on a happy face in front of about 300 people and smile and pretend like I am okay, when in reality I'm dying inside.
Why is today the day of all days for me to have volunteered to watch the nursery during both services?
Why today do I have to be reminded what a failure my body really is. I know I have no other option today, other than to just bear it and move on.
That is just what I have to do today.
This is the reality of a person with infertility.

So, June 17,2012 is CD 1.

Being anxious.

Husband and I have finally settled into our next chapter of our IF journey. In late June we will begin the process for Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). Here's how we got there...... 

 At the beginning of May, we had to use majority of our "treatment" money saved up to do some major repairs on Mike's truck. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. We had tried to save for so long. Then to make the situation unbearable, Mike wrecked his truck the very next day. What we thought was a horrible situation turned into a HUGE blessing. Mike's truck was deemed a total loss. After battling for a month with the insurance company and finance company we finally got a check to pay off the balance with money left over to purchase a new one. Our prayers had been answered we had our "treatment" money back plus enough for 2 more rounds!!! PRAISE GOD!!  

We sat down and analyzed all of our options; we discussed pros and cons of it all. We discussed blessings and repercussions from all angels. Even against my better judgment we discussed how our families would react to "extreme measures” Finally we decided that being proactive for us would be the best option. 

While there may be people who think that we are being to extreme and we should just "let it happen". Those people are the people we will not be including in on this journey. I understand that there comes an apprehension with all of this, but those are my fears, my husbands and mine alone. We do not need your stresses to add to what we already feel. I have waited for 4 1/2 years to hold a child in my arms that is mine. This only seems like progress and not defeat.

We made an appointment the very next day. We will begin in late June. I have my first appointment to have blood drawn and to begin the "monitoring" phase. 

I am excited to feel like I am doing something to get me closer, but at the same time I do have worries and fears. Trying to compartmentalize is challenging. I wake up every morning with a smile thinking I am one day closer to my happily ever after, but by the time my shower is done, I have fears that my past has caused. I loose that hope, because I am used to being disappointed. I WON'T allow myself to see my happily ever after, and instead am worrying about all the small things that in the big picture are inconsequential. 

I am anxious about STUPID things, and don't know how to let it go. 

My employers know that there will be a day that I have to call out of work, and they know what for. However, his employers have only allotted up to 2 hours of being late. He has to have a day off pre-arranged 2 weeks in advance. OBVIOUSLY that is not possible with the nature of this procedure! So our plan is during the monitoring process, I will wake up every morning at 4 to "check" if it is positive, then we will go immediately to the hospital. The hospital we are going to is over an hour away.  We will get to the hospital and his part be done by 6 am, this way he can leave and be at work by normal time. The only problem we are running into is I will opt for a Valium shot to ensure that all my muscles relax and the right things can happen. In order to do that, I have to have a ride home from the hospital pre-arranged, and I do not have one. If possible I know my husband would risk his job to ensure that I get home safe. But, his job is important to him, and to me. I won't risk that. So we are scrambling to find the least stressful person for me to be in the care of until he gets home.  

To be blunt, I will not allow people to jeopardize this. So the only people those are being considered, as options are the people that will ensure that I can get home safely, and make sure that MY needs are taken care of that day. We just do not very many people to choose from. We have our parents, but they both battle health problems, and to ensure that I am taken care of might risk them, and again, I cannot be worried about something else that morning other than RELAXING! Our only other options are my few closest friends and they either will either A. have a newborn, B. have 2 kids and one of them being an infant, or C. could possibly be out of town with her husband, and we just have to have a definite YES for that morning.  

Of course the money scares me and it is intimidating, but that is actually the one aspect I am least worried about. That includes both of us. We both look at this as an amazing opportunity, and will not have another chance like this. If it doesn't work the first time, we will have to evaluate again. The money might be an issue then.  We just need major prayers. 

We need guidance on what to do from here out. I am putting my trust in Christ more than I think I ever have. We have our appointment on the 26th, and literally am doing EVERYTHING to put this out of my head, because when I think about it, I get sick so I ignore it.  

Prayer requests: We need right person to come forward to be my caregiver in July for a day. The doctor's appointment to go AMAZING! I am currently 6 days late, so fingers crossed- I might not need any of this! The tension to subside and I just enjoy the whole process coming up.  

Thanks everyone! Marie