After the hell we endured in October and November I was not going to be released to officially try again until I spoke with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) she is the one that found the thyroid problem. After anxiously looking forward to this appointment for over a month I finally went on Friday. I'm not sure how I knew it would be bad, but as I was walking in I looked at my sweet husband and said "I know this is going to be bad, I just don't know how bad". I just knew. Something in my heart knew what was coming, and I choose to think it was preparing me for it. I've really learned you need a thick skin walking in that office.
I was right. It was bad. It was REALLY bad. After spending 30 mins discussing EVERYTHING in detail (there have been times that I try not to acknowledge the emotions of it, and just stick to the medical details, but the truth of the matter is I was so happy- deliriously happy. Even now I think it would have been better to not know until it was over. But to have 3 days where I thought it was all over, it all now seems like a cruel joke that was played). When we were done discussing it all, she looked at me and said that all my options are over. IVF is now my only shot. Naturally I have less than a 3% of it happening on my own and in that chance there is a 30% chance it will be ectopic again. All of the other options have been tried and didn't work, and she thinks moving forward with more rounds of medicine, and less invasive procedures is a waste of money and time. She could not guarantee a success for IVF, but she said it has almost a 80% success rate for me. The problem is I know people my age, and it has failed for them! The MAJOR factor, it's $18,000!!! On top of all that news, and after begging/pleading/crying for a couple more months of on my own she informed me that the only reason she will agree is to show me that she is on my side, but this really is it. No more. And even with that I have to have more procedures done before I can begin this next round of medicines. (Side note: That medicine is no longer covered on my insurance so unless I pay $194 for 8 pills, that isn't happening either!) It's just a major defeat. Infertility won, Marie lost.
This is not the plan I had for myself. I know it is no ones, but why us?!! Why this way!! The most expensive, unconventional, invasive, and taxing procedure is my only way to have my only wish?!! Where is that fair? I didn't sign up for that!
There has not been a break since Friday morning. I have been around people constantly since that appointment, and I find myself excusing myself to just go cry. I have cried out, I have screamed, I have gotten REALLY REALLY angry, and said things I never would other wise. I want to be one of those women that blink, and get pregnant, not the one that is now racking her brain, and examining our finances to find what we can get rid of to put that money into our new fund. We will open a new account in the next weeks and pray magically money just appears there.
My heart aches for what it wants. I want nothing more than the sleepless nights, the morning sickness, the swollen ankles, the temper tantrums, and all the sweet amazing moments in between, I yearn for them, I ache for them. There is nothing about this that I wanted. I was told at church yesterday that I just have this spirit about me that just keeps fighting, and getting back up to swing one more time, but not this time. I think I lost. I'm defeated.
