4 Years

     4 years ago, I was preparing to walk down the aisle. All the bridal party was lined up, and the music was starting. I remember being so scared of the future. So scared I was going to loose who I was as a daughter, sister, and friend. I have never been more wrong in my life. December 15, 2007 was the beginning of my fairy tale. There have been heartaches along the way. There have been hard times, and honestly there have been times that I was almost positive that we weren't going to make it. Mike has never given up. Mike has always had hope for us. It's the same way that he feels about having a baby. Which makes today even more bitter sweet. 
     4 years ago I thought that in less than a year we would be parents and now looking at it, I have come to the realization that my plans don't always work. Same with our relationship, Mike has never lost faith. Mike believes more than I do that it will happen. 
He has been my pure motivation lately, I will make him a father, if it is the last thing I do. Mike is the very best thing that I have done in my life. The best thing I have ever done was say yes to our first date. Way back when, when Myspace was still popular I wrote this........

Current mood:blessed

I still can't get over the fact that it's all over!!!!!! 

The Wedding went absolutley perfect!!! I could not have asked for a better day. There were a couple problems, but I couldn't imagine it any other way... (It rained pretty much ALL day, my sister's dress ripped when she was walking down the aisle, the candles in the middle of the ceremony, kept falling) It just made us laugh and keep smiling. Of course I was oblivious to all of this till AFTER the wedding!!! The moment we lined up, everyone of the bridesmaids kept saying all this really sweet stuff, and I started getting emotional. 

Then the wedding started, and as soon as I locked eyes with Mike, I got so overwhelmed with emotions. In that moment I pictured everything we had been through, our first kiss, having to say goodbye when he left, the night he proposed, the day  he came home at the airport, watching him come up those escalators, to seeing him at his home-coming ceremony. It all came flooding back, in that one moment. I was the proudest woman in the planet. They were definitly tears of joy. A day that we had waited for for our whole life was finally happening. I could not tell you how happy I truly was. 

The reception was AMAZING!!! We danced all night, and I couldn't believe when they finally told us that the night was over.

The Westin Hotel, in Atlanta, was amazing, they did an outstanding job and decorated with roses and everything I was truly impressed, the next morning not only did we watch the sun rise, but we saw like 3 planes fly right over us which was really cool. 

Our Honeymmon, was perfect, we Drove to Myrtle Beach South Carolina, with Mike about to go Active Duty, the Army was hesitant about him flying out of the country, so we decided against it. (we are going somewhere for Valentine's day and I can't wait!!!!). When we got there we realized that it was REALLY cold. But it jsut gave us an excuse to snuggle, the hotel was beautiful, and our hotel over looked the ocean. So we watched the sun rise. We got to do so many things, and there was no wait in line!! LOL. Then Tuesday came around and we got some bad news that Mike's grandmother had passed away. So we decided to head home early. We left on Wednesday.The drive back was wonderful. Just getting to talk, and hold hands, without the stress of the wedding!!  But I couldn't have asked for something better. It truly was amazing!!! 

Now we are getting adjusted to each other's sleeping habits, enjoying life of  newlyweds. I am amazed that I wake up everymorning and my arms are wrapped up in my best friend. I go to sleep everynight, with him right beside me.

 I LOVE BEING MRS. DUNCAN!!!!!! 

Four Years later, it is still all true. We have been through so much and it has only made us better as people and as a couple. I am excited for the future with Mike. I am excited that he is still the one that I get to call my husband. I lay next to him every night and think how truly lucky I really am.

To my amazing husband, 

Thank you for being the man that I prayed so hard for, and for being everything I didn't know I would need. Thank you for loving me the way only you can. Thank you for showing me Christ. I had given up on love, I was ready to settle for something that was dark. Then you walked in. You changed how I look at life, you changed how I look at myself. I am so glad I will never have to go back to the person I used to be. In you I see forever. In you I see a wonderful man that I am unworthy of. I see a man that is going to give me a life of happiness. Thank you for being on this journey with me. Thank you for never loosing hope. Thank you for loving me only the way you can, and never trying to be more. "I'll love you forever."    

It's been a while.

WOW! I realized why I never blog... I am terrible at it! There has been a ton going on. First to update from the last post. The holidays did come, and go. I didn't get brave and make it into the "empty room" not enough courage. Hubby still says that we need to live it alone. But I refuse to live my life in the "what if" mode. We ate WAYYYY to much, and were able to spend some great time with our family. Hubby's brother got engaged to a wonderful woman over the holiday, which made me very excited!! There is nothing that I love more than a wedding! We spent some great time just at our house, and decorated for the holidays as much as we could. I dreaded this time, but it was so nice to be able to sit back and relax with my husband. Sending him back to work that sunday was hard, but we managed. We did go to the doctor and got the all clear to start trying WITH the clomid. So now just waiting on that stupid period to arrive. I actually am 3 days past what is supposed to be "28 days" so if it doesn't come by day 35 then I have to get a pregnancy test, and call to get the progesterone to make it come. I am not as hopeful as my dear sweet man is.

On Sunday we went to his unit Christmas party and had a great time! As much as I do not like how he is treated at that unit, it was nice to see him in his element. He lit up explaining different things to me, and how equipment works. I never ask questions regarding his job, because I know it is so dangerous, and frankly it scares me. Well he had to "disappear" for a little while. I was watching a young 9 yr old girl playing with her baby sister, who couldn't have been more than 3 or 4. While the parents were outside I watched the older girl start running around frantic looking for her mom and dad. Her shirt was covered in blood. So I got up and went running to get the parents. I got out the door way and felt myself starting to stumble, and I caught it then I felt my ankle roll and pop. Long story.... I had to be taken to the emergency room, and was told I have a torn tendon in my ankle and a tiny tiny tiny tiny break. So now I am in a walking boot for the next 4 weeks until it heals. Good job Marie! On top of all of that I can not drive for 4 weeks, so my father is having to take me places, and it's not that I mind, but
So that is all for right now. I am mending a hurt ankle. I am trying to remain hopeful for something that I am almost positive is not there. Thank you all for reading. Even though there are not many readers, I always feel better after posting.

There comes a low point.

Trying REALLY hard to remain positive for the upcoming days/weeks/month. The holidays are without a doubt my favorite time of year! BUT, there always comes a moment, this time a year that I have to fight the depression and the sadness to not take over. Today I feel it coming on. I know that tomorrow will be filled with family, and laughs, but I wish for one second that I could explain that hurt that ALWAYS stings a little more. I will be in both families homes and I will see the excitement on my nieces faces on both sides. I will see the excitement and the joy they bring to both sets of parents.
Mike has an older brother that has a PRECIOUS 3 yr old little girl. She is absolutely the center of attention at all family functions (rightfully so). We  get such a kick out of watching her. But also there is always the joke.... "You need someone to play with....." It stings a little each time. It hurts to hear my dear sweet mother in law wish for another grandchild. I would never tell hubby this, but it stings to see him so happy around her. It is a crushing feeling.
I have an older brother that gave me the greatest gift ever. He made me an Aunt. My family knows a little more about struggles for there to a Baby D, better than Hubs family does. They see the pain, and I can honestly now worry about hiding it, and pretending. This year will be different though. My family always draws names for Christmas and of course, everyone gets a present for Baby girl. But this year, my sister in law is pregnant. So there will be a new excitement talking about the plans for the baby. I am excited for them, I REALLY REALLY am. BUT more than excitement, I'm jealous. I thought the next holidays that we would celebrate, I would have a newborn, or at least pregnant. Thankfully, hubs is a little more reserved at my parent's house, and I have been voluntold to cook this year, so I can stay in the kitchen, in my little element, and block the rest of the world out. That's the only hope I have.
We decided that this weekend we will do something good for the people who need it. We are cleaning out our house one room at a time, and we are donating all the stuff we accrue to someone who REALLY needs it. This will mean go into that room that I have kept "off limits" and get the stuff that I have no need for right now. All of the baby stuff that I have been collecting for that one day....... I am going to give it to someone who's one day is now. I am DREADING this, I know that it will be one big crying session, but I KNOW that as soon as its over, I will feel better, but not at first.
I HATE feeling like this, but sometimes I can not help it. It's an over whelming sadness that takes over. I am loosing the ability to talk to the people that I trust the most. I try to find reasons to call those people, and then I end up hanging up before the first ring.  I am loosing my sanity, and instead keeping it all in, and inevitably it will explode. ok.... enough rambling. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!

Updated

I am bad at the blogging efforts. So here are the updates from the "big day". Without getting to in detail, I can say that the doctor's appointment went really well. 

The doctor is fairly new to the practice so she was eager to please. I am beginning to think this was a crucial step.  We talked about all of the tests that I had already been through, and all the tests that hubby has had to do as well. Having to tell it all over for the eight thousandth time was exhausting, but I insisted on remaining positive. We had to talk about allot of the emotional effects it had on me. She broke down most of my problems into 3 categories. 1. My body was tired, 2. I was HUGELY misinformed with most of the information that I had. 3. I had PCOS, (I already knew this). She told me that my wrong would not be easy, it would be hard, but I could do it. She gave me the major thing I had hoped from from that day. She gave me a prescription for Clomid. A pretty high prescription. I have to work on the first step first and then next month we will move to step 2 and 3. I was highly optimistic at the end of the appointment and now I am living on a cloud a little. The only bad thing was she said that I was only allowed to take it for 3 months MAX. So I am trying really hard to not panic and I am fine right now, because I do not have the medicine. So pray that my mind doesn't start thinking about a timer and instead just pray and be hopeful that it works. 

This weekend we felt a need to celebrate. Mike unfortunately had to work all weekend due to the holiday. We have a tradition that we celebrate Thanksgiving with a small group that we went to high school with. The time together was really nice and just getting to laugh and goof off. Mike was really cute and kept sending me sweet text messages even though we were sitting beside each other. CUTE. 

Sunday was church as usual, and I sat in on one of the children's church lessons. It was having a gratitude attitude. So that's what I am going to do this week. I am going to diligently remind myself that I need to have a better attitude about things. 

Turkey Day is Thursday so we will be going from my parents house in the afternoon (which I am cooking) to Mike's parents house for dinner. Both will be exciting and nice to be at, I'm just not looking forward to all the food, you can't be rude and eat at one;s house and not the other but my body just can not handle that much food! First world problem! 

Okay, MUST GET BACK TO WORK! Would love to know your thoughts!

What a whirlwind!

     The past week has been INSANE! 
     Thursday morning I got up and went to work like normal. I was running late so I decided to stop and get breakfast to jump start my day. About an hour after eating my biscuit. I was in excruciating pain in my stomach. so much so that I just stood at my desk and cried (sitting down hurt too much). My boss decided that he couldn't take it anymore, so he called hubby and took me to the local ER. After about 3 hours of tests it was determined that I had large cysts that were rupturing at a rapid rate. I was sent home with some pain meds, and told to sleep off the rest of the day. My husband stayed beside my bed the whole time, and just prayed for me. I fell in love a little bit more. We called the doctor who was seeing me for all the infertility issues, and she said that it is normal, I would need more tests, but surgery to scrape was probably in my immediate future. I did as was told, and slept all of Thursday away. 
     Friday I had to get up and get some work done at the office, still in allot of pain, and still sore from the day before. My bosses didn't ask me to stay long, and did what I had to and left. Slowly as the day went on I began to feel better, (or the meds were working) and I decided I wasn't going to be a victim of PCOS anymore. I enjoyed the rare day off with Mike and partook in some Veteran's day freebies.  There were no issues other than a stinging pain in my stomach, (this pain I knew, it was more cysts rupturing). 
     Saturday night we picked my niece up like we normally do and took her to a special service at our church. I'm still not exactly sure what happened, but she fell and busted her face open pretty bad. I am not a parent, but I have never been so scared, never been so unsure of my abilities, and never been so nervous to handle her in my life. I have been around babies my whole life, I have taken countless education classes, and have taught for 3 years... I KNEW what to do, but all I could think about was "Please let her be okay, STAY CALM MARIE" and as the blood poured from her lip, my hands just trembled, and I could do nothing but rock her. Mike and I got her home, and we traded off every hour to check on her to make sure she was okay. Watching how good he was with her in that moment. I fell in love even more. He WILL be an amazing Daddy one day. I realized that as much as I love her, and she is not even mine the love a parent must feel is overwhelming. 
       I want to ask for prayers for a few things. I didn't budget our money very well this month, and spent money somewhere that has put us close to dangerous. I was unaware of this until yesterday. Thankfully before I went to buy some things I checked. Well as my period was ending I knew I needed to go get my ovulation predictors. One month of these things ranges from $40-$60. We just do not have that now. 
     This week is the big week for me. Thursday I go to the doctor and I am preparing for the worst, yet hoping for the best. I don't let myself think about it, because I get anxiety. I know that there is a plan for us, I know that God has mapped out our path. I am just not ready for that path to not lead to parenthood. Mike and I have both been praying diligently about "letting it be God's will" but I think I am failing, because I want it to be mine. Pray that as I go about the week I can find some peace. SOMEWHERE. 
     Last thing, I have been reading a book called Crazy Love by Francis Chan with my Sunday school class and I was challenged this week to do something "crazy" for Christ. I THINK I know what I want to do, but it would take me stepping WAY out of my comfort zone. I'm not sure if I am ready to jump that far. I know I want to, but I am praying that I find the courage to actually do so. 
     
As always thanks for reading! 

There had to be a reason.

I knew there was a reason that I was so emotional lately. Today is Day 1. All of my TTC friends would understand those frustrations. While I should probably look at it as 1 more month of trying. I look at it as one more month of failed attempts. My body is officially tired. I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am desperately grasping for air now. Waiting for my life to begin.

There has been good news in all of this though. Mike found out on Saturday that he will not be deploying. He will not have to leave me yet again. This means I am not in panic mode about loosing another year of trying. I am not facing the next year alone. If I have anything in this world, I have him. Nothing else has been going on. Other than the excruciating pain that comes around once a month, and the feeling of wishing it could all just be over, that there would be no more trying, no more wanting, no more aching. When that day comes. I will be in the doctor's office demanding them to remove any organ that is not vital. To try and describe the pain is like trying to teach a blind man how to drive.

 As stated before I have a round of tests coming up on Thursday. I have done all they asked me to, but knowing that it could possibly still not be enough scares me. It makes me sick to my stomach. Mike unfortunately has to work and it makes me scared to go at it all alone. I'm just consistently praying that God shows out at the doctor's office. I don't deserve for Christ to show himself to me, but at this point I need it. I need to know that He hears my prayers.

On another note, I have a prayer request. I have a friend that I consider an honorable man of Christ. He is in the middle of a nasty mess, and it has probably ruined his future. Pray for peace. Pray that he finds a way through it all. Pray that through it all he can see that Christ is right beside him. Be slow to judge what you read.

Until next time.

Where to begin.

   This is overwhelming to say the least. I have been DESPERATELY trying to get the emotions that I have been feeling out out days. Instead they only come out as anger, depression, and tears. 


A little about us. Mike and I have been together since April of 2005. In April of 2006 before he deployed to Iraq he promised me something. Mike promised me that he would always love me, and that no matter where this life took us he would stand beside me and be my #1 fan. In return I said I would do the same. I promised I would marry him. December 15, 2007 my forever began. We were married on a cold rainy day, in front of 165 of our closest friends and family. In January of 2008 we got the news that within that year he would deploy again. On January 8, 2008 we decided to start trying for a baby. After 8 months of trying with no luck we went to see the doctors and discovered the news that would change our world. I was diagnosed with severe Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My ovaries were 80% covered with cysts. Along with that I was diagnosed with a condition called Endometrosis. Which is a condition of cyst-like cells living on the inside of my uterus, as well as the ovarian cysts living on the outside. I was given a 10-15% success rate of having children naturally. 


Now, after 2 deployments the 4 year anniversary of that day quickly approaching. We are still trying. To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. My whole life I have wanted to be a Mommy. There is nothing in this life, I want more. I want to be able to hold a child in my arms and KNOW that I witnessed a miracle. Everyone in our circle of friends has children. Most are working on their second, and I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. Problem is, that bothering lingering feeling is working it's way out. Very quickly I am loosing the battle to "remain sane". As if there was a thought of that in the beginning. For every baby shower I attend, every hospital I visit. A little part of the hope I has dies. 


I have a round of tests coming up next week, and I am struggling to remain positive. I have done everything they asked of me. I am literally terrified that I will be told the same story.. "I am sorry there is nothing more I can do". Mike is being absolutely wonderful through all of this, and has learned to not try to make since of it anymore to me. Just let me be. Last night for almost 2 hours, he let me cry, he didn't try to make me stop, he didn't try to get me to talk, he didn't try to explain. He is the only one in my life that knows the hurt I feel. 


I laid there last night and cried for the child I don't know. How is it possible to miss something so much that you have never met? I cried for the person I have been to people who do not deserve my attitude. I cried for the husband who loves me even though we are not certain if I will ever give him. I cried for so many things. I cried for myself. 


Ok, this has gone on way to long now. I would appreciate prayers and support in this journey that I am in. I would appreciate just saying a prayer for my heart. To truly accept whatever it is that God has planned for me. 


Love, 
Marie