FET

We arrived home safely from Chicago on Sunday. We could not have asked for a better trip or outcome.

We did some time to explore before our appointment on Saturday.
We drove to Milwaukee because it was only an hour away and we had seen most of Chicago. Milwaukee is COLD. Everyone kept saying there were so many great things to do, they lied. Either we were not in the right spot, or it's all a hoax.

The buildings are pretty though… that's all you get Milwaukee!

Friday we went to explore Chicago more. Somehow we missed "The Bean" last time, so that was necessary this day. Sitting in the park we got a call from the embryologist who asked us how many embryo's we would like to transfer. I was so excited to pick, he got me statistics on each one, and we hand chose 2! One of the potential names we have picked out means "hand chosen" IS THAT NOT PERFECT?!

It was also necessary to find authentic Chicago pizza. Mission accomplished.

While we were in the ridiculous traffic of Chicago, I got the call I was waiting on! The staff called to give me all my instructions for the next day, arrival time, what to bring, and preparations for that night. They told me the key thing to remember was to relax. I was "ordered" to go on a date with my husband and not stress about the next day.
We had a great dinner, so a sweet movie, and had ice cream. Such a perfect night!

SATURDAY!!! FINALLY! After so many set backs, obstacles and hoops to get through, the day was finally here. We had a pretty quiet morning and around 12:30 we were off! I wanted to bring something to the staff to say Thank You so we bought cookies (if I was home I would have made them) and set off for the office. We arrived, checked in, said our thank you's and got changed.

The only part I was  nervous about was if neither embryo's survived the thaw. When the embryologist came in and told me that both survived and looked incredible, that was all it took for me to completely relax.

The procedure went off without any problems. That moment is incredible, inspiring, beautiful, breathtaking, magical, and any other synonym you can imagine. Definitely top 3 moments of my entire life.

Now we wait. We will have a blood test next week, and then a follow-up test to confirm those test results. I'm anxious, but I feel this so deep in my bones. Thank you all so much for following in this journey with us. I truly feel like we are finally at the end of the darkness. This *hopefully* will all be over soon!

We took a journey

When our doctor told us we would have to come back in late October I was defeated. Nothing was working according to my plan. Oh, that's the mercy and grace of Jesus. It couldn't be my plan, it had to be his. 

Last night I looked at my luggage and was so thankful. We were going back! We were finally seeng HIS plan come to life. 

So at 3:30am we loaded in a car to start round 2. 

Normally this early in the AM I would be grouchy, but how could I be? All of my dreams and hopes where a short plane ride away. 

And finally, after so many set backs. I officially checked in this mornng. 

Please pray with us and for us in the next couple days before Saturday, but especially Saturday. 

We made it!! 

Oh, the irony.

On October 24, 2012, I sat in a waiting room for an ultrasound that was to begin at 3:45pm.

I was shaking, nervous, and so beyond thankful. I was pregnant. It was really happening.

Today, Thursday, October 24, 2013, at 3:45 pm, I am sitting in the same doctor's office, same waiting room,  having the same ultrasound done, except this time it is to confirm that everything is looking great. I will officially be one step away from FET. Last check up before we travel.

It is with grateful hearts that I can report, because of the amazing love and kindness of so many, we ARE going to Chicago. The money was raised and $1,700 was debited from our account Tuesday morning.

Today has been a day of sadness for me, but also a day to look forward to this amazing chapter that is being written. I will always love that tiny miracle, and will take a small amount of time to immerse myself in the feelings from last year. But, I also will say a prayer for the roads we have traveled this past year. I KNOW that miracles can happen. With your help we watched as the impossible, God made possible!

Sitting in this waiting room I am still be nervous, scared, and again so far beyond thankful, so much so that my brain could not comprehend last year!


THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!

We need a miracle

Call it being stubborn, call it ingenuity, call it whatever you wish. I refuse to give up.

As if the week I have been having isn't bad enough (mother admitted to hospital, then admitted to rehab, having to stay with her to help ease anxiety, and explain care, completely wrecking my car (STUPID DEER), and having to battle for insurance to pay for medicines that I must have) the worst possible thing to happen did.

We were told on Friday that because of the emergency procedures done in Chicago, we have to pay the remaining balance before we can proceed, BEFORE MONDAY! Monday morning we have to have $1700!

The only way this is going to happen, is through Christ. The same man that moves mountains, and heals the sick, can make this happen! We need all of your help. If you can donate, we need 17 people to take this leap of faith with us. 17 people $100 a piece, in 24 hours. Can you please help us, and know that we are desperate at this point. I have come so far and endured so much to have to hear again..... "You have to wait."

God is a MIGHTY GOOD GOD!  Please donate!

1 in 4

On a normal day in October of 2012 I scrolled through Facebook to see multiple friends post status' about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Having had 2 very good friends who had experienced both of these, I wanted to let them know I was thinking about them and praying for their hearts. One friend had experienced 2 miscarriages and now has 2 beautiful girls, ond the other sadly lost her litt boy at 23 weeks. My heart hurt for my friends. Words were not adequate, but it was a least something.

"Thank you both for being so strong in your faith. Thank you for being my friend. I will never know how you each survived the pain of your experience, but you proved that God still reigns…" 

Never would I have imagined that in less that 2 weeks from that e-mail, I would join that elusive club. The club of loss and pain. The club that no one wants or asks to be a part of. 

My heart hurts for so many of my friends who are remembering their angles today. I remember with you, and unfortunately I mourn with you. 

Today is a day about awareness. Mike and I made the difficult decision to be very public about our treatments and this was not traditional, So many people have to suffer alone because they are ashamed or embarrassed. THERE IS NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT! 

Infertility is a disease just like diabetes, cancer, or depression. We did not choose this for ourselves, and I can speak for all of us when I say that we would give anything for a cure.

Say a prayer for those families who are hurting and remembering today. Pray for their peace to mourn their child or in some cases children. While I know some who have had the happiness after the pain, so many haven't. I also pray for those to find the strength to endure whatever path they are on. IUI, IVF, adoption, surrogacy, or simply just saying enough is enough. I love you all. 

I am so thankful I sent that e-mail to my friends. I took a moment that day to reflect on their strength and courage. It was fresh in my heart and mind for me to fight back when I became 1 in 4. 

IVF Update: OHSS

I promised I would update later on everything that happened over IVF. I want it to be very clear that in no shape, form or fashion am I complaining. I believe IVF was a ministering opportunity for us, but I do want to make anyone aware of side effects that can potentially happen. Things happen exactly how they are supposed to. In the book of Jeremiah it clearly states "For I know the plans I have for you…" God knew what was going to happen before we even made it to Chicago. He knew the outcome, and he knows how this will all end.

After waiting for 4 days longer than we were supposed to our retrieval was set for 7:30 on September 12, 2013. I had all of the symptoms before retrieval, but once I was released I never knew the kind of pain you could experience. Our nurses started warning us on Monday of that week that it looked like I was over stimulating. Over Hyperstimulation Syndrome or OHSS is severe, and can be deadly. I remember praying to be able to retrieve at least enough for one cycle. I just needed 2 or 3. They retrieved 39! For OHSS patients 25-30 is considered abnormally high.

Thursday morning on the way to the center was painful. It hurt to fully sit down, it hurt to lay down, and any pressure on my abdomen was excruciating. I was sure once I woke up it would get better. The eggs were removed. We were released and told to go back to the hotel and rest. I layed on the couch and was able to sleep with some pain meds. I woke up 2 hours later and could not stand all the way up. It felt like my stomach was being pulled in half. When I tried to use the restroom it was excruciating. There was so much pressure on my bladder that it hurt. About 2 hours after getting home the nurse called, and asked me my symptoms. She said to push electrolytes and sodium. She also asked Mike to go buy a scale so I could monitor my weight. Pretzels, heating pad, gatorade, chicken broth, medicine repeat. This was my afternoon and early evening. Around 9:30 I got the worst migraine headache that led to extreme nausea. Mike gave me my last Loratab for pain, and I fell asleep. About 3:30AM I woke up knowing I was sick. I threw up for the next 2 hours.
At 6AM we called the center and I explained my symptoms. I really wanted the transfer to happen, so I down played how sick I was, but after realizing how sick I was, I confessed. We were instructed to travel 45 minutes to the main hospital downtown, not eat anything else, and once we got there tell them to examine me immediately for surgery. Once we arrived, I just told them my name, and they took me straight to the ultrasound room. After seeing a tech, nurse and doctor they reduced my fears, and said I should feel better in the days to come.
Satruday morning I knew I would be getting ready to head home. Our chances were reduced and my body would never sustain a pregnancy. So here we are, one month from our Frozen Embryo Transfer, or FET.
I haven't felt normal in over a month. I still am taking daily medications (Lupron) to suppress ovulation. Lupron gives me the worst headaches, hot flashes, and a sweet tooth that could rival Mr. Wonka. This will all be worth it! I know it!

Southbound.

I thought when I got to finally say we were headed home IVF would be behind us. Sadly, that's not our case. 

The retrieval finally happened on Thursday! They retrieved 39 (!!!) eggs! In the world of IVF this is incredible!! Explains why I was in so much pain leading up to retrieval. 25 made it to fertilization and 17 fertilized normally. But more on all of this later. 

When we were told we may have to do a freeze all cycle I was worried. I didn't want to invest so much and go home empty handed. Our doctor said it would be up to my body whether or not we transferred or not. I was confident we were hanging out till Wednesday. However, when I woke up Friday things changed. My body essentially was rejecting some of the medicines I needed. Nausea, vomiting, headaches, and pain in my heart. We called in go check and they sent us to a new location to be checked out. Words like "emergency ultrasound" "possible surgery" and "remove dangerous fluids" were all being used. Thank God, everything checked out normally, and we were sent home to rest. Sickness never went away and finally Doctor called us in for a meeting and evaluation on Saturday morning. 

Our doctor has been incredible and explained to us everything that was going on. She essentially said my body was an over achiever and over stimulated. My progesterone level (which makes embryo attach to the lining) spiked too soon. Because of this it reduced our risk of a success by 50%. This was our deciding factor to come home. Those are not odds I am willing to take. 

On top of all of this, I want to be healthy when I carry our child. I want to look back on this time and be thankful for every minute. Right now, I'm just sick. Ill be glad to remove some of these pills for our regiment and focus on what's next. 

Our center was so great we already have our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle arranged and we will be back in Chicago on October 24. Yup, one year to the day that we got the news of our first pregnancy. I have prayed God would ease my hurt a little on that day. What better way to ease your hurt than to be excited about a new life being put into your body. 

GOD IS GUIDING THIS JOURNEY! I may not always know His plan, but he does!!

So now we head south! I'm excited to see our dogs, to snuggle with our cat, to sleep in my bed tonight, see our families and our friends! 

Plus, I hear its fall like weather at home! Looks like we did bring a piece of Chicago home with us! You're welcome GA! 

Weary

I wish I had positive good news to report, and I do in one aspect.

Friday was our first appointment in Chicago. Our thoughts were that we would have one appointment and do the retrieval on Monday. Not so much! We believed all along going in that we would be here for 10 days MAX. That is now almost 14 days.
Friday's results came in and the numbers and count were not fantastic (6 follicles and E@ was 109) . "Come back Saturday"
Saturday's results came in and tech was pretty positive that I would be back on Sunday. No retrieval on Monday (8 follicles and "a bagillion" small ones and E2 was at 541) Come back Sunday" 
Sundays results came in still I was told to plan to come the next day (14 follicles highes one being 21mm and E2 was 962) Was told to come back Monday. This now moves the retrieval til Wednesday.

By Monday my body is tired. Mike is tired, I am tired.  We are at the doctor's office every morning before 7 am and I am having an ultrasound and being stuck every single day. I am a small vein person, so they are sticking the same vein every day. I look like a junkie.

Monday the tech said she was sure she would see me tomorrow. No more Wednesday retrieval for me! Levels came back and all the small follicles are catching up, so I have to give them some time. Follicles were at 18 and the E2 is 1793. Sure enough we were told to come back on Tuesday.
Tuesday (9-10-13). The tech sounded confident that I was done.She said she counted 28 follicles  Got the results back a little while ago, she was wrong! There are 41!!!!! In the world of IVF that is amazing and bad at the same time. My E2 is now 3019. My ovaries are the size of tennis balls (normal women are the size of walnuts), which explains all the uncomfortable feelings.FINALLY I get to do my "trigger" shot and our retrieval is set for Thursday.

However, there is a problem. Along with all my other levels my raising really high, my progesterone levels are getting to high. This is a #1 indicator for OHSS. OHSS is extremely dangerouns, and will not go away once pregnant, so it could also be dangerous for baby. I will continue to have blood checked, but if levels do not level out we have 2 options.  All of my levels being so high, and the high quantity of eggs, is a dead give away.
      1. Take our chances and continue on with the risks (failed IVF, higher rate for miscarriage, and in most extremem cases death for me)
      2. Retrieve all eggs, and freeze. Wait for one month and come back once my blood levels have returned to normal levels.

Essentially Mike and I only care about having a healthy happy pregnancy. What might be inconvenient now and uncomfortable, will be worth it the day we hold our baby in our arms. I will fight whatever I have to in order to achieve that. Mike is adamant that we will not pursue anything that puts my life at risk.

So retrieval is definitely set for Thursday. Tomorrow is a no shots day :-), and I plan on enjoying that!  From there it is day by day. Blood work in the AM and results in the afternoon. Worse case scenario we come home on Saturday and make the trip again in October or November. Or we come home on Wednesday, and take our chances.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. My body is tired, my body is sore, my heart is tired, and my body has reached it's limit. We miss our home, we miss our family and friends and shockingly we miss our jobs! We feel like God is guiding this journey, and I am confident he will continue to do so. We love you all!

We did get one beautiful sightseeing day. Thanks to the USO everything we did was wither free, or BOGO! Enjoy our pictures from Chicago!

                                                                Navy Pier Ferris Wheel

                                                              Navy Pier and Chicago

                                                                        Wrigley Field
                                                                         

                              We will always be Braves Fans, but the Green Giant was worth seeing!

Blogging from Chicago!

Greetings from the Windy City!

Mike and I made the long journey from our little town in GA to Chicago, IL. We arrived here around 9:30 CST last night. We unloaded a car that was loaded down, and headed straight to bed! This girl was tired, and all I did was ride!

This morning (September 6, 2013) started out as breakfast in the hotel. If anyone ever doubts my thoughts on how much my husband eats: I had a small amount of eggs, and turkey bacon for breakfast. Mike had Eggs, hash-brown casserole, potato cakes, muffin, cereal, yogurt and a huge waffle! THE BOY CAN EAT!!

Next, we made the short drive to our Dr.'s office. We pulled in and I got super emotional.

The center that will change our lives!

The update is my body just isn't cooperating! I have been increased on meds (on Wednesday) and still with the double dosage, my body isn't growing what it needs to. I have approxiamatley 10 follicles present when there should be around 20. I am waiting on a call to confirm what to do from here. The nurse said it probably means longer periods of meds.

Which means more money for meds, more money for the hotel, and more money for food. I am continuing to pray, and hopefully everything falls into place as it should. Will you also pray with us?

Medicines

Did I robs pharmacy? Nope. Did I clean out our medicine cabinet? Nope. Is that mine and Mike's medicines combined? again, nope. Is that all the medicines I will need for 10 days? BINGO! One month ago I took 1 tiny pill a day. Now it has progressed to this. 

8-29 was my first baseline ultrasound that begins IVF. My levels were all good according to Doctor. 

Our injections began on 8-30. My stomach has been really crampy, and tender, I knew this was to be expected, and oh the hot flashes! My only negative side effect has been the hot flashes! 

Mike has been incredible through this whole process. He tells me to relax, will do any housework and will rub my feet anytime I'm sitting down. Our next ultrasound is Tuesday and then we get the green light to travel! 

Nerves

7 days! My head doesn't seem to grasp that. In 7 short days I will load up in a car and head to a brand new city, that neither one of us has ever been, and navigate this crazy life of IVF. However, I think my heart has been ready for this for 6 years.

In January, we were told that IVF was my only option. I was devastated. I was crippled. I thought at the time this would never happen. Now, not only is it happening it is happening soon!

More than anything I think I am proud of the fact that through this whole journey is it has been Christ led. Every step, every decision, every aspect of this has been prayed over, and given over to Him. This is the only way for us.  We KNOW he is leading, he has taken the reigns and we are just dutifully following.

All that being said, I am scared. There have been days where I have had to pray every hour, sometimes every minute for God to take away the fear, and He has every time. I have calmed down, I have regrouped and tackled whatever it was in front of me.

The thought of IVF is daunting. The money is astronomical. The shots are painful. The risk of this all ending in my heart broken is debilitating. My nerves sometimes run away from me. This is where we are pleading for your help.

So many things have been thrown in our way to stop this from happening, but our God has overcome them in a way only He can. We have paid out of pocket for expenses we never saw coming. Just this morning I had to pay $3,314.49 for medicines I thought were going to be covered. We have begged, and borrowed, every dollar we could. Yet, we are still in need.

If you are able to donate, please do so in knowing that every single cent is going for this journey. We are still a bit ways away because of those surprise costs, but I know I serve a God bigger than money.

Will you also please pray with us. This journey has never been mine. It is all for a lesson coming from a teacher who knows the plan He has for us. Whether that lesson be good or bad. Pray my heart is ready to receive it. Pray for the needles to not seem so scary, the trip to be as relaxing as possible.

Lastly, pray for my sweet husband. He has had to endure quite a bit, and suffer silently. As a man, he takes the brunt of it all. He has no one to reach out to. He is the one that has to willingly inflect pain on me every single day, something that he swore to me he would never do,  all for a chance. He will have to drive 13 hours one way, sit in a hotel for 10 days essentially alone while I sleep. My heart hurts for him. Pray with me, give him strength in this, give his hands the precision they need for shots, and give him the strength to endure the next couple weeks.
*If you are reading this, YOU are the only one I would willingly do this with.* 

Good or bad in 7 days it is out of my hands. I will live my life knowing I have done everything I could. Again, if you can donate, please do. We really need you. Thank you for loving us.

Please use this link to donate:
A Donation for the Duncan's

Let's get started.

Hi Blog world! I apologize that I have been avoiding this post for weeks now!

We received an e-mail from our RE that says, "Officially IVF patients for September 2013."
I never knew one e-mail could excite you, and terrify you all in the same breath! It has begun! We have done all necessary appointments, and tests preparing for this, and now there is nothing else, but to start.
On Tuesday (August 6, 2013) we will have the last "meeting" (over the phone consultation) with the Dr. before we officially meet on surgery day. This weekend we will go and have 42(!!!) pages notarized to agree to treatment. No, that is not a typo, it really is 42! It's all really happening.

We have found a great hotel to stay in while we are in Chicago. I was always afraid that we would spend to much, or the hotel would be a rat's nest. It's not. We are a little ways out of the city, so it was cheaper, and it looks very decent from the pictures. The reviews are great, and we both feel comfortable with the amenities. Mike will essentially be by himself on surgery day 1 and 2, while my sole job is to REST REST REST! I wanted him to have SOMETHING to do, other than watch me sleep.

These next weeks are when the posts and information are going to be more scarce. There simply are not words adequate enough to express our gratitude, but we have to TRY and keep this close to us from here on out. Mike and I are humbled by the love from so many to help make this possible so we WILL update you, whether it be good news or bad come the right time. We know that our families and friends will all understand this.

Please be in prayer for us (me specifically). I have been struggling with accepting that this is it. Whether the outcome be good or bad, this will be the end of our Fertility Treatment journey. I have fought this battle for close to 6 years, and have experienced more pain that I would wish on my worst nightmare. I am ready to be off this train, and move on with life. Grasping that it all comes down to this is hard sometimes, but we believe that God has led us to this moment. He will not let us fall now.

ALSO: I wanted to share 2 incredible blog posts I have read this week. They are both friends from Twitter, and they have put words to this life of ours that I could never do justice for.

I Wanna Know What Love Is
Erin wrote this, and I couldn't agree more.

and the blog that made me cry for a solid 30 minutes?

Grace
So beautifully written and gives all of us a little validation in this cruel world.

Thanks for listening to me ramble. Sometimes I think I just need it.

Letting go.

Today is your estimated due date. Today is the day that I was so sure all of our dreams were going to come true. Today is the day that for 3 days I prayed would hurry up and get here.

3 Days. 72 Hours. 4,320 minutes. 259,200 seconds. I loved you every second. I loved you long before I knew, and I love you still.

I think you about you every day, but especially today. I think about you when I see the scars that were left behind when they took you out. I think about you when I drive by that hospital. I think about you when I hear a certain song, or think about Halloween. I think about you now when we are starring down IVF, I didn't think I would ever need this. I had you! You were so so so wanted. You were so loved!

A very big part of me wants to be sad about today. I want to be angry I never got to know you, but instead I have to be happy that you existed. I got to see the looks on so many of our families and friends faces, as I told them you were finally happening. No matter the outcome, those memories I will never forget. Just when I thought I was done, and I couldn't go anymore, you restored my hope in miracles. YOU were my miracle.

For 3 days I prayed the next nine months would fly by, but instead I have spent the past 8 1/2 months dreading this day. In my perfect little dream you are here, and you are healthy, you are this beautiful combination of your Daddy and I. You are so perfect, too perfect in fact, way to perfect to live in this broken world. So you don't. You live in my memories of all the plans I had for you, you live in my heart.

Thank you for being my miracle.
Love,
Mommy

Today will be hard. Today is just going to plain suck, the only silver lining is we do have something to look forward to. In September we will be pursuing IVF, but it is costly. Would you please be in prayer with us, and if you feel led there is a link to the right to donate to our cause. Every dime we will be spent towards this trip and achieving this miracle that we are so desperately in search of. We love you all! Thank you for going on this journey with us.

Please click here to donate

To the father who didn't get to be.

My heart aches today. I have had several breakdowns throughout the day, because Mike can't celebrate today. I am very aware that one week from now should be the day that we are celebrating the birth of our child. If my perfect little dream had come true I could be either VERY VERY pregnant right now, or holding our newborn child. Today hurts more than other years, because as much as I want to be a Mom, I want to make Mike a father. He is the epitome of what a good Dad is. He deserves this. In the 3 short, blissful, amazing days we had to know about our child he was a doting Dad. He talked to his child, he loved his child's mom in a way that took my breath away. He put plans in place to ensure that any child of his would be loved, and know they were everything to him. So to the father who isn't today. This is for you.. 

There are no words for today. I ache to make you a father, and while we were so close, this day reminds me of how far we were. I am absolutely sure of one thing in this life, you were meant to be a Dad. Those 3 sweet days we had make want to hold on for our future. In the days that followed that awful day our dream ended and now YOU are what make me push through. You are the strongest man I know, and you amaze me with the selfless love you have. There is NO ONE in this world who is more proud of you, or loves you more that I do.
So for you, and only for you I will fight in the next couple months. I will endure any procedure, I will endure any shot, I will take it all, and fight to make this procedure a success because you my dear sweet handsome husband deserve to be a father. I am so blessed that in this life whatever child(ren) we may have. They get YOU as a Dad. Thank you for reminding me what we are fighting for, that you for constantly reassuring me, and for simply holding me while I cry. I can't promise that these next couple weeks are going to be a walk in the park, because they won't. I do promise you tell you how much I love you every single day, and hopefully 1 year from now we can celebrate your first official Father's Day!
I love you now and always,
Me

Happy Father's Day
Love, Brownie, Tiger, Ginger (and the best angel Daddy there is to PJ)

You are I am

Going to try and NOT make this a novel. 

Friday, May 10, 2013 we had our first official appointment with a new RE. My friend Kayla had an initial appointment with them about 3 weeks before me. She was so impressed that she contacted me. After only a short conversation with her I knew I had to make an appointment also. 

I had contacted them about 2 years ago when we needed a procedure done. At the time they did not accept my insurance so they have always been pushed out of my mind. Now, that is different I pushed forward. It is not a secret that I did not agree with my last appointment at Emory. My biggest complaint was I did not want to have BOTH tubes removed. I understood the damaged one had to be removed, but not both. Exactly why I needed to hear a second opinion. 

In preparation for this appointment I had prayed extensively! I wrapped myself in prayers, went out of my comfort zone and even had others pray for us. We prayed for peace, we prayed for guidance, and we also prayed that if IVF is the course we need to take, for God to fund it, and make it possible.  Even before we walked into the appointment Mike and I prayed in the car. We prayed for understanding of what we had been through. I wanted to understand why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I also wanted more clarification of what we need to do to achieve our miracle.  My prayer was if there is a road I should walk, Lord, help me find it. Make it all possible. 

OK- so getting to the appointment, I was majorly impressed that not a nurse or practitioner or anyone else came out to get us. It was the Doctor herself. Not in a lab coat or Doctor apparel but in regular clothes. We discussed what we wanted to get out of the appointment and the future and she understood. Dr. C asked us questions directly, we went over the chart in detail, all of the surgeries, procedures, tests, labs, and medicines I have gone through. She asked me to explain everything last October. She acknowledged how painful it must have felt, she saw me get emotional when I had to tell her the dates, she acknowledged that the memory of those dates will always be hard. I never had to think, or try and jog my memory. I knew the day I found out, the day it was confirmed non-viable, and the day it was removed. My first question to her was why it happened. I have done extensive research on Ectopic Pregnancies, and I had none of the factors that made you at risk. In 2008 I had a mild case of appendicitis. When your appendix is infected, or even removed there is such a high risk of adhesions on your tubes or infecting the lining. They are so close together, it is almost impossible to avoid. THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED! Prayer 1 was answered. There is nothing I could have done, I couldn't have prevented it or changed it even if I wanted to. The rest of the appointment when much like this. I had a list of questions ready in my lap and she hit every single one without me asking. Dr C was so personable asking US questions, and explaining every step in detail. She broke it down to my level and did not use Doctor lingo, but more of terms I would understand and comprehend. 

This is where God started to show HE IS IN CONTROL! We began talking about PCOS, and she asked how many months I had been ovulating without medicine. The answer was every month since July of last year. She is convinced that PCOS has diminished enough I do not need to be considered a PCOS patient any longer. I will always have the painful cramps and the mood swings, but as long as the abnormal hair growth stays under control, and I am ovulating on my own, there is no need to aggressively pursue unless something changes. PRAISE!!! Loosing 22 lbs has paid off! While talking about PCOS we began to discuss Clomid which is a medicine to make you ovulate. In the beginning when I took this medicine, I didn't understand what it's purpose was. After I explained that for 10 months that I took it MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED.  She was frustrated that I was not properly explained the purpose. I think her exact words were "So you took an ovulation medicine for 10 months with no access to sperm". This is the only time in the whole visit that I mentioned Mike being in the Army. I mentioned this in the confines of her office, and with the door closed. The only way someone could have heard me was if they were walking by the door at the EXACT time I said this. We talked further and she still believes that IVF is the best possible solution for us. We have such a high success rate of it succeeding. In the percentage that it will also be 54% that it will be twins. While I do know people who are my age, and unfortunately haven't had success I am choosing to remain positive that it will work for me. After such a positive appointment I thought I had maxed out on my miracles for the day. Boy was I ever wrong. 

Our next step was to meet our personal nurse who will handle all lab follow ups, answer any questions we may have, and go with us through the process of it all. While we were going over things with her our patient coordinator walked in. She will handle all appointments and referrals. She introduced us, and she just happened to mention that she overheard us talking to Dr. C about my husband being in the military. She had to have been walking by AT THE EXACT MOMENT! She told us to make sure we ask about military pricing when we meet the financial coordinator. 

When we met with him, he explained so many things about my insurance and coverage, and he gave me the paper for their IVF costs. The price had dropped about $6,500 from our other place. Then I remembered to ask about the military pricing. He then took away that paper, and had to pull the file from his computer, because the pricing was different, and they do not advertise the discount unless you ask about it. I would have never known to ask had it not been for that nurse. He showed me the price and I broke down. The price dropped 50%!!!! The total for our IVF before medicines will be $5,500! All of the medicines will be about $2,000-$3,000, but I can handle that! IVF instantly became obtainable! Yes, this is where I cried! Also when we went to go pay our fee for the day, the clerk was so knowledgable that she looked and asked me why my insurance was based out of Illinois. Illinois is a government mandated fertility coverage state. So by those standards I should have coverage! I looked this up, and it covers one round of IVF and if that is a success it covers 3 rounds after that! 

I finally had my answers, and I had my clarification of where I could go from there. We left the appointment 2 very excited people who had a plan!! 

AND!! 

Want to know what song played as soon as we started the car?

THIS ONE! 

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
who brought the Son back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am


We are now neck deep in finding grants, and battling insurance. We will be trying to put together donations, from friends and family. We truly believe that this is Jesus' leading. So now our prayer is to fund it. We are not above asking for help. ;) 

God truly showed out in that appointment. He answered every prayer, he calmed my spirit, and he delivered the road I need to travel. I KNOW I serve a savior that is capable of miracles, and he gave my broken little heart a little mending on Friday. If he is the God that could bring the dead to life, make the blind see, walk on water, and save a nation, why did I ever doubt that he wouldn't show up to an infertility clinic and prove he hears me! YAY for Jesus! 

Dreams

Not much going on with us in the world of infertility lately. We are steadily paying down medical debt we occurred during last October. We are saving for IVF, and have about 1/6 of it covered. YAY for progress! We just got back from an amazing trip to NYC, that I have dreamed of taking. I have already had several people ask me, why spend the money? When you are saving for IVF? Am I not allowed to enjoy my life? Am I just supposed to sit around every day waiting for something that may never happen? I want to ENJOY my life, with or without kids!! Get off my back!
Last night I had the most vivid dream I have had since we lost the baby. I have had small visions of what life would be like, but last night was a full blown dream in 2 parts. So real that I woke up and immediately had to feel my stomach. Part 1 was us at Husband's family Thanksgiving dinner. Our niece was there, and she looked to be about the same, both brothers were there with their wives. It felt like it should be THIS Thanksgiving. I sat in the spot I always sat in at their house in the living room, while everyone else around were doing normal things. Husband and his brothers were looking at hiking things, My 2 SIL were with my MIL in the kitchen and I was sitting there, this seemed odd at first, until she announced it was time to eat, and I had to call Mike over to help me stand. I was WOAH pregnant. My belly was huge! Everyone made jokes about how hard it was for me to do things, and I just slowly rubbed my belly saying it was all worth it.
This is where I shot up in the middle of the night. I rubbed my stomach, realized it wasn't real and cried till I was back asleep.
Part 2 was Christmas at the same house (there is no way to describe that house during Christmas, it's very distinct), with the same people. Everyone was passing and holding the tiny 3 week baby that we had prayed so hard for. As she always does, I watched as Mike's mom held her new grandchild and cried. I watched both aunts and both uncles completely become enamored with this tiny child.

I dream of this life. Why it felt like it was Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2013 I do not know. Hopefully that is a good sign!

June is quickly approaching, and while I would love to pretend I will be okay on the day and act like nothing special is going on. June 23rd is supposed to be the day all my dreams came true. I KNOW I couldn't do the "brave" face and keep it together. So I have requested a vacation. Nothing major 3 days at a beach, with my husband, where we can wake up on that morning and watch the sunrise over the ocean, and if need be cry. Away from having to pretend and just let it go. After that day it will all be over. I really think we need it. Now we just need to find somewhere to go!

Borrowed from a friend.

My friend Lauren posted something the other day that hit so close to home I had to borrow it. 

"I am NOT ashamed by my infertility.
I am NOT embarrassed to talk about my infertility.
I DO get exhausted by the realities of infertility. Today is one of those days where I'm absolutely exhausted by our almost 5 year journey through this shit storm of treatments, losses, and failures."

There are a few differences between the 2 of us, I am just now getting to the point of not being embarrassed or ashamed, but I am still way to private to openly share it unless otherwise asked. However, after 5 years; I am exhausted. Every single month it feels like a knife in the gut, and my heart breaks a little more. 

In our 5 years we have had only one "success" and you shouldn't even call it that, because it ended in disaster. When will it all be over? Now as I am 72 hours from beginning my "late 20's" I have nothing but a mountain of medical bills to show for those years of trying.  

People tell me all the time that 25 (and now 26 on Saturday) is not that old and they are right it isn't, but am I supposed to try for another 5 years before I should worry that it might not happen? Nope, I am there now! I am well aware that IVF might be our only option and we are currently putting plans in place to make that a reality, but what happens when like Lauren, I pay all the money and it fails? My heart breaks for her, she is only 30 and she has had 2 that failed! I thought being younger almost guarantees your success? When is enough enough? 

I'm not ready to give it up yet so we will keep trying, but today is just one of those days that I hurt. I'm tired of seeing the NO, on pregnancy tests, and I am tired of disappointing my husband month after month. I am tired of feeling like I am standing still. I'm so unbelievably and excruciatingly tired of Infertility! 

Defeat

Hi all! I promised myself that when I made this blog I would include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Unfortunately there is no good lately.

After the hell we endured in October and November I was not going to be released to officially try again until I spoke with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) she is the one that found the thyroid problem. After anxiously looking forward to this appointment for over a month I finally went on Friday. I'm not sure how I knew it would be bad, but as I was walking in I looked at my sweet husband and said "I know this is going to be bad, I just don't know how bad". I just knew. Something in my heart knew what was coming, and I choose to think it was preparing me for it. I've really learned you need a thick skin walking in that office. 

I was right. It was bad. It was REALLY bad. After spending 30 mins discussing EVERYTHING in detail (there have been times that I try not to acknowledge the emotions of it, and just stick to the medical details, but the truth of the matter is I was so happy- deliriously happy. Even now I think it would have been better to not know until it was over. But to have 3 days where I thought it was all over, it all now seems like a cruel joke that was played). When we were done discussing it all, she looked at me and said that all my options are over. IVF is now my only shot. Naturally I have less than a 3% of it happening on my own and in that chance there is a 30% chance it will be ectopic again. All of the other options have been tried and didn't work, and she thinks moving forward with more rounds of medicine, and less invasive procedures is a waste of money and time. She could not guarantee a success for IVF, but she said it has almost a 80% success rate for me. The problem is I know people my age, and it has failed for them! The MAJOR factor, it's $18,000!!! On top of all that news, and after begging/pleading/crying for a couple more months of on my own she informed me that the only reason she will agree is to show me that she is on my side, but this really is it. No more. And even with that I have to have more procedures done before I can begin this next round of medicines. (Side note: That medicine is no longer covered on my insurance so unless I pay $194 for 8 pills, that isn't happening either!) It's just a major defeat. Infertility won, Marie lost. 

This is not the plan I had for myself. I know it is no ones, but why us?!! Why this way!! The most expensive, unconventional, invasive, and taxing procedure is my only way to have my only wish?!! Where is that fair? I didn't sign up for that!

There has not been a break since Friday morning. I have been around people constantly since that appointment, and I find myself excusing myself to just go cry. I have cried out, I have screamed, I have gotten REALLY REALLY angry, and said things I never would other wise. I want to be one of those women that blink, and get pregnant, not the one that is now racking her brain, and examining our finances to find what we can get rid of to put that money into our new fund. We will open a new account in the next weeks and pray magically money just appears there. 

My heart aches for what it wants. I want nothing more than the sleepless nights, the morning sickness, the swollen ankles, the temper tantrums, and all the sweet amazing moments in between, I yearn for them, I ache for them. There is nothing about this that I wanted. I was told at church yesterday that I just have this spirit about me that just keeps fighting, and getting back up to swing one more time, but not this time. I think I lost. I'm defeated.