Not much going on with us in the world of infertility lately. We are steadily paying down medical debt we occurred during last October. We are saving for IVF, and have about 1/6 of it covered. YAY for progress! We just got back from an amazing trip to NYC, that I have dreamed of taking. I have already had several people ask me, why spend the money? When you are saving for IVF? Am I not allowed to enjoy my life? Am I just supposed to sit around every day waiting for something that may never happen? I want to ENJOY my life, with or without kids!! Get off my back!
Last night I had the most vivid dream I have had since we lost the baby. I have had small visions of what life would be like, but last night was a full blown dream in 2 parts. So real that I woke up and immediately had to feel my stomach. Part 1 was us at Husband's family Thanksgiving dinner. Our niece was there, and she looked to be about the same, both brothers were there with their wives. It felt like it should be THIS Thanksgiving. I sat in the spot I always sat in at their house in the living room, while everyone else around were doing normal things. Husband and his brothers were looking at hiking things, My 2 SIL were with my MIL in the kitchen and I was sitting there, this seemed odd at first, until she announced it was time to eat, and I had to call Mike over to help me stand. I was WOAH pregnant. My belly was huge! Everyone made jokes about how hard it was for me to do things, and I just slowly rubbed my belly saying it was all worth it.
This is where I shot up in the middle of the night. I rubbed my stomach, realized it wasn't real and cried till I was back asleep.
Part 2 was Christmas at the same house (there is no way to describe that house during Christmas, it's very distinct), with the same people. Everyone was passing and holding the tiny 3 week baby that we had prayed so hard for. As she always does, I watched as Mike's mom held her new grandchild and cried. I watched both aunts and both uncles completely become enamored with this tiny child.
I dream of this life. Why it felt like it was Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2013 I do not know. Hopefully that is a good sign!
June is quickly approaching, and while I would love to pretend I will be okay on the day and act like nothing special is going on. June 23rd is supposed to be the day all my dreams came true. I KNOW I couldn't do the "brave" face and keep it together. So I have requested a vacation. Nothing major 3 days at a beach, with my husband, where we can wake up on that morning and watch the sunrise over the ocean, and if need be cry. Away from having to pretend and just let it go. After that day it will all be over. I really think we need it. Now we just need to find somewhere to go!
