Borrowed from a friend.

My friend Lauren posted something the other day that hit so close to home I had to borrow it. 

"I am NOT ashamed by my infertility.
I am NOT embarrassed to talk about my infertility.
I DO get exhausted by the realities of infertility. Today is one of those days where I'm absolutely exhausted by our almost 5 year journey through this shit storm of treatments, losses, and failures."

There are a few differences between the 2 of us, I am just now getting to the point of not being embarrassed or ashamed, but I am still way to private to openly share it unless otherwise asked. However, after 5 years; I am exhausted. Every single month it feels like a knife in the gut, and my heart breaks a little more. 

In our 5 years we have had only one "success" and you shouldn't even call it that, because it ended in disaster. When will it all be over? Now as I am 72 hours from beginning my "late 20's" I have nothing but a mountain of medical bills to show for those years of trying.  

People tell me all the time that 25 (and now 26 on Saturday) is not that old and they are right it isn't, but am I supposed to try for another 5 years before I should worry that it might not happen? Nope, I am there now! I am well aware that IVF might be our only option and we are currently putting plans in place to make that a reality, but what happens when like Lauren, I pay all the money and it fails? My heart breaks for her, she is only 30 and she has had 2 that failed! I thought being younger almost guarantees your success? When is enough enough? 

I'm not ready to give it up yet so we will keep trying, but today is just one of those days that I hurt. I'm tired of seeing the NO, on pregnancy tests, and I am tired of disappointing my husband month after month. I am tired of feeling like I am standing still. I'm so unbelievably and excruciatingly tired of Infertility!