There comes a low point.

Trying REALLY hard to remain positive for the upcoming days/weeks/month. The holidays are without a doubt my favorite time of year! BUT, there always comes a moment, this time a year that I have to fight the depression and the sadness to not take over. Today I feel it coming on. I know that tomorrow will be filled with family, and laughs, but I wish for one second that I could explain that hurt that ALWAYS stings a little more. I will be in both families homes and I will see the excitement on my nieces faces on both sides. I will see the excitement and the joy they bring to both sets of parents.
Mike has an older brother that has a PRECIOUS 3 yr old little girl. She is absolutely the center of attention at all family functions (rightfully so). We  get such a kick out of watching her. But also there is always the joke.... "You need someone to play with....." It stings a little each time. It hurts to hear my dear sweet mother in law wish for another grandchild. I would never tell hubby this, but it stings to see him so happy around her. It is a crushing feeling.
I have an older brother that gave me the greatest gift ever. He made me an Aunt. My family knows a little more about struggles for there to a Baby D, better than Hubs family does. They see the pain, and I can honestly now worry about hiding it, and pretending. This year will be different though. My family always draws names for Christmas and of course, everyone gets a present for Baby girl. But this year, my sister in law is pregnant. So there will be a new excitement talking about the plans for the baby. I am excited for them, I REALLY REALLY am. BUT more than excitement, I'm jealous. I thought the next holidays that we would celebrate, I would have a newborn, or at least pregnant. Thankfully, hubs is a little more reserved at my parent's house, and I have been voluntold to cook this year, so I can stay in the kitchen, in my little element, and block the rest of the world out. That's the only hope I have.
We decided that this weekend we will do something good for the people who need it. We are cleaning out our house one room at a time, and we are donating all the stuff we accrue to someone who REALLY needs it. This will mean go into that room that I have kept "off limits" and get the stuff that I have no need for right now. All of the baby stuff that I have been collecting for that one day....... I am going to give it to someone who's one day is now. I am DREADING this, I know that it will be one big crying session, but I KNOW that as soon as its over, I will feel better, but not at first.
I HATE feeling like this, but sometimes I can not help it. It's an over whelming sadness that takes over. I am loosing the ability to talk to the people that I trust the most. I try to find reasons to call those people, and then I end up hanging up before the first ring.  I am loosing my sanity, and instead keeping it all in, and inevitably it will explode. ok.... enough rambling. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!