I knew there was a reason that I was so emotional lately. Today is Day 1. All of my TTC friends would understand those frustrations. While I should probably look at it as 1 more month of trying. I look at it as one more month of failed attempts. My body is officially tired. I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am desperately grasping for air now. Waiting for my life to begin.
There has been good news in all of this though. Mike found out on Saturday that he will not be deploying. He will not have to leave me yet again. This means I am not in panic mode about loosing another year of trying. I am not facing the next year alone. If I have anything in this world, I have him. Nothing else has been going on. Other than the excruciating pain that comes around once a month, and the feeling of wishing it could all just be over, that there would be no more trying, no more wanting, no more aching. When that day comes. I will be in the doctor's office demanding them to remove any organ that is not vital. To try and describe the pain is like trying to teach a blind man how to drive.
As stated before I have a round of tests coming up on Thursday. I have done all they asked me to, but knowing that it could possibly still not be enough scares me. It makes me sick to my stomach. Mike unfortunately has to work and it makes me scared to go at it all alone. I'm just consistently praying that God shows out at the doctor's office. I don't deserve for Christ to show himself to me, but at this point I need it. I need to know that He hears my prayers.
On another note, I have a prayer request. I have a friend that I consider an honorable man of Christ. He is in the middle of a nasty mess, and it has probably ruined his future. Pray for peace. Pray that he finds a way through it all. Pray that through it all he can see that Christ is right beside him. Be slow to judge what you read.
Until next time.
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