Where to begin.

   This is overwhelming to say the least. I have been DESPERATELY trying to get the emotions that I have been feeling out out days. Instead they only come out as anger, depression, and tears. 


A little about us. Mike and I have been together since April of 2005. In April of 2006 before he deployed to Iraq he promised me something. Mike promised me that he would always love me, and that no matter where this life took us he would stand beside me and be my #1 fan. In return I said I would do the same. I promised I would marry him. December 15, 2007 my forever began. We were married on a cold rainy day, in front of 165 of our closest friends and family. In January of 2008 we got the news that within that year he would deploy again. On January 8, 2008 we decided to start trying for a baby. After 8 months of trying with no luck we went to see the doctors and discovered the news that would change our world. I was diagnosed with severe Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My ovaries were 80% covered with cysts. Along with that I was diagnosed with a condition called Endometrosis. Which is a condition of cyst-like cells living on the inside of my uterus, as well as the ovarian cysts living on the outside. I was given a 10-15% success rate of having children naturally. 


Now, after 2 deployments the 4 year anniversary of that day quickly approaching. We are still trying. To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. My whole life I have wanted to be a Mommy. There is nothing in this life, I want more. I want to be able to hold a child in my arms and KNOW that I witnessed a miracle. Everyone in our circle of friends has children. Most are working on their second, and I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. Problem is, that bothering lingering feeling is working it's way out. Very quickly I am loosing the battle to "remain sane". As if there was a thought of that in the beginning. For every baby shower I attend, every hospital I visit. A little part of the hope I has dies. 


I have a round of tests coming up next week, and I am struggling to remain positive. I have done everything they asked of me. I am literally terrified that I will be told the same story.. "I am sorry there is nothing more I can do". Mike is being absolutely wonderful through all of this, and has learned to not try to make since of it anymore to me. Just let me be. Last night for almost 2 hours, he let me cry, he didn't try to make me stop, he didn't try to get me to talk, he didn't try to explain. He is the only one in my life that knows the hurt I feel. 


I laid there last night and cried for the child I don't know. How is it possible to miss something so much that you have never met? I cried for the person I have been to people who do not deserve my attitude. I cried for the husband who loves me even though we are not certain if I will ever give him. I cried for so many things. I cried for myself. 


Ok, this has gone on way to long now. I would appreciate prayers and support in this journey that I am in. I would appreciate just saying a prayer for my heart. To truly accept whatever it is that God has planned for me. 


Love, 
Marie