Today is Father's Day. Today is a day we are to recognize the great men in our life who are fathers. I have been blessed to have the most hard working free anyone could ever have. My father walked 25 miles one way for a week to ensure that he worked so we could have food. That to me is love and sacrifice. I am blessed to call him my daddy.
Today is also the day, for some many years that I thought I could celebrate my husband as a father to our children, and I still haven't. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel a small ping of guilt for sticking beside me, when i cant give him anything he needs. I know that this infertility battle is not mine alone, it is our together, but I can't help it. He has never once complained or showed disappointment but I know he must feel it. How can he not? each month when my period is late, he holds that glimmer of hope for both of us.
So why today? Why THIS day of all days do I have to tell him that yet again it isn't our turn. That today starts another cycle of tests and treatments and monitoring, and scheduling. There is nothing fun about any of that anymore. Why today?
Why today when I have to go to church and put on a happy face in front of about 300 people and smile and pretend like I am okay, when in reality I'm dying inside.
Why is today the day of all days for me to have volunteered to watch the nursery during both services?
Why today do I have to be reminded what a failure my body really is. I know I have no other option today, other than to just bear it and move on.
That is just what I have to do today.
This is the reality of a person with infertility.
So, June 17,2012 is CD 1.
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