No answers.....

We are done with the 2WW, and I still have no answers. My body is normally slower to react, so we decided to wait one week.

I did take a PG test on 11DPIUI because of the "symptoms" I was having. It was a big fat NO.
I convinced myself that it was just too early, and waited to test on Monday, during church on Sunday, I had a minor breakdown, what I assumed was spotting turned out to be nothing. On Monday morning I took the test, and it turned out to be "NO." My cousin gave me slight hope, and told me to check again that night. So I did, and it was still no. There should be no reason that my body is this late. I KNOW I ovulated, medicine made me. Then I should have had a normal 28-day period. Yet, still nothing.

I will call the doctor today, and wait an agonizing 3 days before I have the blood drawn to check the actual levels. Who knows what the answer will be, but the sooner I can have the actual answer, the sooner I can grieve, and get on with my life.

It's agonizing, constantly having to be "on." I never feel at peace or calm. I have tried lately talking to more people about this battle, but it only has made it worse. We were so confident that it was going to work, and now there are so many people who are going to feel "sympathy" when we have to tell them that it didn't. So if you are reading this... Please don't tell me you are sorry. I know people care, and they want this for us, as much as we do, but that phrase only makes it so much worse for me. There has never been a day in the past year where I haven't apologized to my husband for having to take this journey with me, all because he fell in love. I can't and won't apologize to everyone else, because my body failed.....yet again. This is the part that isn't talked about in the infertility world. This is down right HARD! This is why I like to be private! No expectations=no disappointments.

This whole journey my prayer has never been to make it "work." I simply wanted God to prepare my heart for what is to come. I turned it over to him, and truly think he has done just that.  My heart is ready either way. Of course if it's yes, there will not be another baby that is more loved or wanted, than ours, and they will know that. If it is no then I have been there before, and will accept it and plan out the next step. I just want the answer.

This weekend will be about me finding my smile again. I have put my poor husband through the ringer this last week, and have been all over the board with emotions. Hopefully I can change that. I know that he is the one person I don't have to pretend with. He is the one person that has not only just held me while I cried, but has cried with me. He deserves normalcy. My wish is that seeing him carefree will ease the pressure of waiting for Monday.

Prayer requests:
Please just pray for us, pray that somehow, and someway I find my smile again.