I'm choosing to hope.

I'm choosing to be hopeful.

 I am the brace-for-the-worst and hope for the best kind of person, but in the process of doing that I am loosing who I am. I am no longer the girl with the infectious smile that laughs at her self, makes silly jokes, acts like a goof ball, LOVES herself, and above all else has FAITH to get her through the toughest situations. There are times when she comes back, or makes a rare appearance and it makes me miss who I was before all of this got started.

My incredible husband who has never let me face this world of infertility alone is constantly reminding me that I am going to be a mother one day. One day soon. No one in my life is as reassuring as he is. I want to be hopeful for him. I want him to have a normal wife again. So for that I am choosing to be hopeful.

Although they would never openly admit it, I know that there are people who have distanced themselves from me, because all my brain can only seem to talk about the need for that "dream" to become reality. I want those friendships back, so I am choosing to be hopeful.

My family and the closest friends have to hear me cry about having this stupid battle. They all have their own battles and struggles that each is going through that I want to be completely there for him and be the kind of friend that they have been to me. For them, I am choosing to be hopeful.

I dont for a second think this is going to be an easy battle. I feel like I need to personally take care of it all and "handle" it. There is nothing left in my hands to handle. I have given it all over to Christ and trust that he knows my heart. I have found myself thinking about all of it less, and focusing on other aspects of my life. I haven't been to the doctor in over 6 weeks, and really feel refreshed. I chose a couple days ago to stop doing all the ovulation tests and the "predictors" I finally took my husband off the "schedule" and have learned the less stress I put on my mind about it all, the less stress my body will feel.

I have had the same prayer for over 4 years, and still do not understand the bigger picture of it all, but I do see the lessons. I have cried out in anger, I have trembled in fear, I have lost who I wanted to be. I am getting that person back though, I am determined. I won't let sadness steal my future. I won't let pain steal my hopes and ambitions.  

I know somewhere deep inside of me I will hold a child of mine in my arms. I will hold onto that thought and that hope, the only difference is I will hold that thought in my heart, and be hopeful for the dark days.

I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. (repetition right..?)