There are a few things going on with the TTC aspect of our lives. I am trying to keep it all in, and not share all the aspects of our infertility life anymore, but with him being gone there is no one to vent to or share with. I keep telling myself I will not let myself go there, but I ALWAYS do. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be hopeful, but not let go of the reality that is our situation. I am doing better around others, and I can even look hold conversations with others about their expected children or children. There have been a few minor slip ups where I have to excuse myself from a room, or I need to shut people out in order to protect my heart, and I think that is okay.
I have been bombarded lately with people's "advice" and have even found a really AMAZING blog about loving your friend through infertility. I have read it and can honestly say this is what I needed my friends to hear. I will not paraphrase what she wrote. I will not due it justice.
http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-series/
Her words are powerful and everything is based off scripture. There is a really great post about loving your friend yet asking questions. This is what I sometimes hope for. I am not asking Our friendship to be like in the movies, but I am asking you to care. As much effort as I have put forth I need you to see how to return that. But if anyone knows a thing about me, you will know that I do not and will not ever ask for that.
There are several posts about what and how to pray for a friend struggling with infertility, and I will only add to that list. Please pray for my heart. My parents both suffer from a form of depression and I tend to take stuff way to personal when it doesn’t need to be. Please just pray for my heart to stay guarded a little bit. I need some sort of privacy in my life, and I think I am finally finding that.
The post about what not to say is DEAD ON!! To put it bluntly, people say stupid things. I have had most of these said to me a time or 6 and it hurts. But I understand, if you have never had to live this life then you will never understand the burden we feel. *Let me clarify one though. If you are reading this then you know Mike and I have considered adoption. We have all the paperwork to submit and know the steps now. HOWEVER- There is a loss when it comes to infertility. This is where my depression comes in. Adopting is not going to make that loss go away. I am very private about this, and will continue to be. I know the steps I need to take before we can move on. I need to seek counseling to let it all go, and WE as a couple need to accept that. This is what is holding us back. The “Your so young” comment is the most hurtful to me. I KNOWWWWWW I am only 25, BUT where I saw my life as far as parenthood and where it is are 2 very different things. By 25 in my head I had 2.5 kids. Yet here I am, with NONE. Not even pregnant. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS TO ME!!!!
The last one that I will mention is the one from the husbands perspective. There is no one on this planet who deserves to be a father more than my husband. If I would have one request though. It's for people to understand that he is hurting too. He needs as much support through this as I do. I am not sure how to help him. But maybe you do. An occasional FB post or message just to let him know that he is not caring all of this on his own. M would never admit that he is struggling but you can see how much this whole situation is affecting him as much as it is me. He just hides it better. Pray for my dear sweet husband.
I THINK I am done for now. Thank you all for reading. Thank you for the e-mails and thank you for the encouragment. It means everything.
Until next time.......
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