What might have been

4 weeks post surgery. I spent the Thanksgiving holiday in a major funk, and am anticipating that again for Christmas.

As we sat at Thanksgiving and we went around and said what we were thankful for at our table, I was bitter. I have an AMAZING husband who I would walk through fire for, I have an incredible family that is always there for us, and that is mostly healthy, and the ones that aren't are thriving with medicines and therapy, I have the best job that is always understanding and I have all the material possessions that I could ask for. I was still bitter. I couldn't say the one thing I was looking forward to saying. Thanksgiving was SUPPOSED to be our big reveal to all of our extended family. But it wasn't. It was another year of feeling empty, especially this year.

My question is when will the questions end. It seems like every day I think about what might have been. Where I would be in the pregnancy. How far along I would be, what major event would be happenening. Will that ever stop? I know come June it has to, because that would be the official "end" of my pregnancy. But before then? Hopefully soon it can be just a passing memory, and not so much a heartbreaking thought.

I still think of the tiny baby that never got be, and thankfully after a month I'm thankful for the few happy days. I still see pictures of the night we told everyone, and get sad. But for the most part I can function, I can talk about those 2 weeks we endured hell and not fall apart. Hopefully that means things are improving.

Mike and I decided to get a small ornament for our tree that is just a set of angels wings. For most people it will be over looked when they see our tree. It will be a passing thought for everyone in the years to come, but not for us. For us it represents that time in our lives where all of our prayers where answered, it represents what might have been.

Prayer request: I'm praying this Christmas to be Thankful, and not bitter. I'm praying to be grateful for all I have and to look forward to the new year as a chance to begin again. We can officially start trying again in late January/February, and I want to be excited about it.