RAW

This is 2 weeks over due. This is long, raw, unedited, and probably full of mistakes. This is graphic, heart wrenching. This is my personal hell. This is the truth.

On Wednesday October 24, 2012 my whole world changed. After experiencing 3 or 4 days of severe right ovary pain, and most other symptoms of a period, without the bleeding I was finally going to see the doctor. After a typical wait and giving the pee sample like I always do, the nurse takes me into the examining room and asks me to explain my symptoms after I do she's says the phrase that will forever be etched into my brain. "Well we took a pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE, so you're pregnant!" There are no words to describe the amount of joy I felt in those minutes. I hyperventilated, and was gasping for air, my only response was "please don't be joking, please please please please please" She immediatley left, and got me the test, once I saw it in my hands, I saw the postive, I fell to my knees and thanked my God for answering the prayers that I have had for all my life. I was finally going to be a Mom. The nurse, the lab tech, the radiologist, the check in girl they all congratulated me. They all knew me, knew our story, and knew how much I wanted this. When the docotr finally came in she congratulated me, and told me based off my last period I was 7 weeks (apparantly she had misheard me when I said the date) once she asked me of my concerns and I complained of the pain again, she assured me that it was normal, it was ligament stretching. She wanted to schedule and immediate ultrasound, but wait for all the blood work for 2 weeks.

                  Even after 2 weeks it's hard knowing this is what could be in me. This was our child.

Once inside the ultrasound room they confirmed my date, and once she asked me my LMP (last menstrual period) She corrected what was in the computer and began. She could not find a sac or baby, and she assured me it was just too early (I was confirmed to be 5 weeks 3 days) she said that everything that should be there was. The Corpus Luteum was in the perfect position, and the lining was thick like it was preparing "a great home for the next 9 months" and assured me again that everything was just fine.

There are no words to describe the rest of the eveing other than perfection.It was a church night, and I knew the one person who should know first should be the man I have held onto for 5 years. The man that has never let me forget what we were fighting for, when I though I was done. The man that NEVER let me loose focus, and faith. So while I wanted to shout it from the roof tops I had to wait to get home and tell him privately. It was sooo hard to "lie" to people that have prayed so hard for us those girls knew I was at the doctor, and I wanted an update. All I simply said was "everything went okay" when in my head I am screaming "MY EVERY PRAYER HAS BEEN ANSWERED!! I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!" I even remember going to the bathroom, rubbing my stomach and telling my baby that they are going to be sooo sooo loved by all those people standing outside.

I had a gift prepared for Mike of a picture frame that said "Memories, those tiny moments that change our life forever" I had placed a paper in it that said WE DID IT!!!! Baby Duncan coming soon June 2013!! Thank you for never giving up. Love me, and PJ. and a pregnancy test. Once Mike opened it, and saw that frame, he took a second to process and immediately swallowed me in a hug and cried. The rest of the night are memories I will never forget and I will never share with anyone else, they are mine and mine alone. They were perfection, they were everything I had ever dreamed about and was finally living.

The next night we couldn't hold the excitement in any longer, and we told our parents. Again we used picture frames, I had a frame at home that said I love Grandpa, and placed the picture of the digital pregnancy test inside. We had dinner with his parents, and his mom opened the present, she started screaming and cried. The rest of the evening with them was spent talking of how excited we were, all the plans we had made in such a short time. We left and went to tell my family. I didn't want to but we told my mom and dad separately. My dad had the biggest smile on his face, and was extremely excited. My mom was super sick, and I think she thought she was dreaming. After a night of celebrations we were exhausted.

On Friday there was more pain. I finally called the docotr because I was concerned. They assured me that the pain was normal, as long as there was no blood everything was okay and just told me to take it easy, to rest, and to put my feet up. My second reassurance.

Saturday, again was perfection. We went to Babies R Us, because walking was helping the pain. We planned the perfect nursery, and talked to oblivion about this perfect life we were finally having. Saturday night was the night I finally got to tell our closest friends. Some simply celebrated with us, some cried, some screamed, and some did both :) Thank you best friend! There was only one more couple we wanted to tell together, and they were both not there. We went home on cloud 9. People knew! It was real!!!

When I got ready for bed, I brushed my teeth, and went to use the rest room, that's when I saw the blood. I screamed, jumped up, and told Mike we were going to the emergency room. We called everyone we knew would pray, and just prayed the whole way there. I was holding onto hope, but once they asked for a urine sample and saw nothing but blood in the cup I lost every grasp I had. In my heart I knew it was bad, I knew it was too much blood and it was ending. They still did an ultrasound, and told me everything still looked good inside "your cervix look pregnant" the beta levels were low but they were within range. They told me it could be 3 things. The pregnancy could be loosing the lining, it could be ectopic, or it could be a miscarriage. no outcome was my happily ever after. They sent me home with pain killers, and told me to rest if the pain was too severe to go back to the ER.

On Sunday after laying in bed crying all day, the pain wasn't getting easier, and so we called the OBGYN and they instructed us to go to a different ER, and ask for him. Once we got there, it was the typical crap doctor, he told me he was just going to check my beta levels, and talk with the other doctor. After having the blood drawn, and waiting in the general waiting room for almost an hour, they called us back, and had me sit in the hallway. This is where all my fears were confirmed.My beta levels were declining, and this confirmed a miscarriage. My whole world, all my hopes, and all my dreams that were put into 3 days were shattered. There were no words for this kind of pain, devastation, and heart break.I lost all balance and the need to stand in that moment.

On our way home, I curled into the tightest ball I could and cried. well cried is not an actual description. I lost it. I feel this is redundant, but there were no words. I cried for every dream I had, every dream we had, every smile I had. I opened my eyes, and saw the strongest man I know, the man I had only seen cry 3 times up till this point and once was when I told him about all of our dreams, was weeping. For the 45 minute ride home, I wept. I convulsively shook. I cried out in pain and anger.

The next Over the next couple days the pain still wouldn't ease up. On Monday I still had to go for the follow up with the doctor. After yet another painful pelvic exam, they still could not confirm what was going on, just that it was definitely declining. Over the next 72 hours, I was back in the doctors office 2 more times. They had suggested on Wednesday to due an exploratory surgery, but I wanted to wait on my doctor, and I guess hold onto what was my baby. Even though I knew it was over, I needed to let it go on my time. On Thursday, they insisted the surgery needed to be done. There was still quite too much blood, and it was the wrong color according to them.

At around 6 pm on Thursday night I was wheeled into the operating room, and when I woke up they confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. The surgeon also confirmed that it was really large. They were glad they got "it" out when they did because it couldn't have stayed much more longer without rupturing.

At the follow up today, they wanted me to look at our pictures of my actual procedure, but I refused to look at it. They showed me "examples" of what it looked like. This is from Google, but mine was also a right ectopic as well.


After 4 days here we are today. I am still grieving. This is the child that we wanted so much. The perfect combination of Mike and I. The child that I talked to for 3 days in my stomach. Yes I know that it was 3 days, there was no heart beat, people have been through worse. I know all of these things, I have heard them. That still doesnt take away the pain that this child was wanted, this child was loved more in it's short 3 days then some children I have seen.

I sit here 1 week from the surgery and I am bitter. I am angry. I do not see the justice in this situation, I do not see the fairness. I truly believe that I have been to my equivalent to hell on earth in these past 2 weeks. My heart hurts, my body hurts. I know have permanent body scars that will always remind me of this child that I wanted so much, just didnt get to have. I sit here scared out of my mind for it to happen again. I promised myself that I wouldn't let fear rob my future pregnancies. However, hearing the surgeon today say that I have a high risk of it happeneing again, and my original risk was less than 5%. Now that risk is in the high 30%.

What I really want on this earth is something I am having to accept will never happen, I want answers! I want to understand why I am being punished! What did Mike and I do in this life that warrants this kind of pain! Why did our first pregnancy have to end in such heartbreak. I sit here with animosity, hate, rage, and bitterness, sadness, and depression. I need to understand the reason why!

I was told on Wednesday that it is okay to be angry at God, and boy am I mad. I still pray HARD for God to make me see why, to pull me through this. But right now its just mad. I am blessed that I serve a savior that can take my anger, and love me in spite of it, so I am getting it all out while we grieve. Then comes moving onto acceptance.

After the follow up today they confirmed that "I am no longer pregnant" and it was like a knife all over. This is something I knew. I knew they removed the baby, but still knowing there is no more hormone that classes me as "pregnant" it means we start all over with this enduring process. I thought that it was over for us, we had got our happy ending, but NOPE not for this one. 

I know that one day I will want to remember it all when it isn't saw RAW. On October 24, 2012 my whole world was changed. On October 28, 2012 my world ended, and on November 1, 2012 surgeons removed every hope, prayer and wish I had in 5 years in a small cell. They said it had no heart beat, but it did, it had mine.