Monday was my first day back to work in 2 weeks, since we heard our horrible news, and with being such a small office, my computer was barely used. While organzing all the new files that had to be added, and deleting things that didn't need to be there, I found this picture…
This was what I made to tell those few certain people of our happy news. After the miscarriage, Mike hid all pieces of evidence we had in our possession of this time (right down to the recycled gift bag I used, even as far as hiding my camera that contains the pictures of him receiving the news), but he didn't know this one existed, or I'm sure he would have found a way to come to my office). I saved the file under a really weird name so my boss wouldn't find it before I got a chance to tell him. When I clicked on it, it took my breath away. I wasn't prepared for that kind of shock on a random Tuesday. I know that these reminders will come, and hope in time, I can look back and feel grateful for the short amount of time we had, instead of bitter of all the time we lost. I want to remember it all one day, and not feel bad about it. This I guess is my way.
Letting go is hard, I truly believe it is a process, we take it day by day. The scars are almost healed, and I am almost off all medicines. Slowly I am getting back to normal. I have my moments late at night where I need Mike to hold me while I just cry. However, every morning I wake up and decide that it's a new day. I have mastered the "artificial smile" and am seriously a pro at it now. I can "fake it til I make it" in MOST situations.
Most people who know me, and who are reading this blog know what has been going on, so thankfully the questions are not as often anymore. Thankfully I think people realize I just need space. I appreciate that! I NEEEEED THAT!!!!!
I did want to take a moment to say a little something else while I am getting all the emotions out now. On the way home a couple days ago, I heard this song… and it made me realize how overwhelmingly grateful I am for the friendships I have especially after all this.
What do you say
There weren't words that could have helped me, but there was the comfort of you there. I realized how lucky we are that we are surrounded by people who came to the hospital at midnight to just be there, there were people who sat in the emergency waiting room with us not once, not twice, but three times just to be there, there were people who put their lives on hold to just simply watch a movie with me and make me laugh, there were people who drove over 2 hours who knew I would need a hug, there still are people who let me vent every frustration, every tear, every anger and just listen, there are people who KNOW this hurt, and are there with every text or phone call, there are people who have been my body guards, both physically and emotionally and kept every stupid questions or asinine phone call away for those first few days. To all of those people; there are no words to express our gratitude, our love, or our appreciation. You are our biggest champions in this life, and there is nothing I wouldn't due to somehow repay that love back. Thank you for loving me, thank you for loving us, and thank you for loving our baby. One day, I hope to share in the miracle of another baby, and I can't wait for them to meet all of you. There wasn't anything you could say, but I thank you for just closing your eyes, and letting your heart lead the way. WE LOVE YOU!!!
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