What might have been

4 weeks post surgery. I spent the Thanksgiving holiday in a major funk, and am anticipating that again for Christmas.

As we sat at Thanksgiving and we went around and said what we were thankful for at our table, I was bitter. I have an AMAZING husband who I would walk through fire for, I have an incredible family that is always there for us, and that is mostly healthy, and the ones that aren't are thriving with medicines and therapy, I have the best job that is always understanding and I have all the material possessions that I could ask for. I was still bitter. I couldn't say the one thing I was looking forward to saying. Thanksgiving was SUPPOSED to be our big reveal to all of our extended family. But it wasn't. It was another year of feeling empty, especially this year.

My question is when will the questions end. It seems like every day I think about what might have been. Where I would be in the pregnancy. How far along I would be, what major event would be happenening. Will that ever stop? I know come June it has to, because that would be the official "end" of my pregnancy. But before then? Hopefully soon it can be just a passing memory, and not so much a heartbreaking thought.

I still think of the tiny baby that never got be, and thankfully after a month I'm thankful for the few happy days. I still see pictures of the night we told everyone, and get sad. But for the most part I can function, I can talk about those 2 weeks we endured hell and not fall apart. Hopefully that means things are improving.

Mike and I decided to get a small ornament for our tree that is just a set of angels wings. For most people it will be over looked when they see our tree. It will be a passing thought for everyone in the years to come, but not for us. For us it represents that time in our lives where all of our prayers where answered, it represents what might have been.

Prayer request: I'm praying this Christmas to be Thankful, and not bitter. I'm praying to be grateful for all I have and to look forward to the new year as a chance to begin again. We can officially start trying again in late January/February, and I want to be excited about it.

Adjusting back to life.

It has now been almost 2 weeks since the surgery, and has been 3 weeks today that I heard our happy news. Each day gets a tad easier, and the grieving stings just a little less. Of course, I still have my moments, like this one:

Monday was my first day back to work in 2 weeks, since we heard our horrible news, and with being such a small office, my computer was barely used. While organzing all the new files that had to be added, and deleting things that didn't need to be there, I found this picture…

This was what I made to tell those few certain people of our happy news. After the miscarriage, Mike hid all pieces of evidence we had in our possession of this time (right down to the recycled gift bag I used, even as far as hiding my camera that contains the pictures of him receiving the news), but he didn't know this one existed, or I'm sure he would have found a way to come to my office). I saved the file under a really weird name so my boss wouldn't find it before I got a chance to tell him. When I clicked on it, it took my breath away. I wasn't prepared for that kind of shock on a random Tuesday. I know that these reminders will come, and hope in time, I can look back and feel grateful for the short amount of time we had, instead of bitter of all the time we lost. I want to remember it all one day, and not feel bad about it. This I guess is my way. 

Letting go is hard, I truly believe it is a process, we take it day by day. The scars are almost healed, and I am almost off all medicines. Slowly I am getting back to normal. I have my moments late at night where I need Mike to hold me while I just cry. However, every morning I wake up and decide that it's a new day.  I have mastered the "artificial smile" and am seriously a pro at it now. I can "fake it til I make it" in MOST situations.

Most people who know me, and who are reading this blog know what has been going on, so thankfully the questions are not as often anymore. Thankfully I think people realize I just need space. I appreciate that! I NEEEEED THAT!!!!!

I did want to take a moment to say a little something else while I am getting all the emotions out now. On the way home a couple days ago, I heard this song… and it made me realize how overwhelmingly grateful I am for the friendships I have especially after all this.

What do you say

There weren't words that could have helped me, but there was the comfort of you there. I realized how lucky we are that we are surrounded by people who came to the hospital at midnight to just be there, there were people who sat in the emergency waiting room with us not once, not twice, but three times just to be there, there were people who put their lives on hold to just simply watch a movie with me and make me laugh, there were people who drove over 2 hours who knew I would need a hug, there still are people who let me vent every frustration, every tear, every anger and just listen, there are people who KNOW this hurt, and are there with every text or phone call, there are people who have been my body guards, both physically and emotionally and kept every stupid questions or asinine phone call away for those first few days.  To all of those people; there are no words to express our gratitude, our love, or our appreciation. You are our biggest champions in this life, and there is nothing I wouldn't due to somehow repay that love back. Thank you for loving me, thank you for loving us, and thank you for loving our baby. One day, I hope to share in the miracle of another baby, and I can't wait for them to meet all of you. There wasn't anything you could say, but I thank you for just closing your eyes, and letting your heart lead the way. WE LOVE YOU!!!

RAW

This is 2 weeks over due. This is long, raw, unedited, and probably full of mistakes. This is graphic, heart wrenching. This is my personal hell. This is the truth.

On Wednesday October 24, 2012 my whole world changed. After experiencing 3 or 4 days of severe right ovary pain, and most other symptoms of a period, without the bleeding I was finally going to see the doctor. After a typical wait and giving the pee sample like I always do, the nurse takes me into the examining room and asks me to explain my symptoms after I do she's says the phrase that will forever be etched into my brain. "Well we took a pregnancy test, and it was POSITIVE, so you're pregnant!" There are no words to describe the amount of joy I felt in those minutes. I hyperventilated, and was gasping for air, my only response was "please don't be joking, please please please please please" She immediatley left, and got me the test, once I saw it in my hands, I saw the postive, I fell to my knees and thanked my God for answering the prayers that I have had for all my life. I was finally going to be a Mom. The nurse, the lab tech, the radiologist, the check in girl they all congratulated me. They all knew me, knew our story, and knew how much I wanted this. When the docotr finally came in she congratulated me, and told me based off my last period I was 7 weeks (apparantly she had misheard me when I said the date) once she asked me of my concerns and I complained of the pain again, she assured me that it was normal, it was ligament stretching. She wanted to schedule and immediate ultrasound, but wait for all the blood work for 2 weeks.

                  Even after 2 weeks it's hard knowing this is what could be in me. This was our child.

Once inside the ultrasound room they confirmed my date, and once she asked me my LMP (last menstrual period) She corrected what was in the computer and began. She could not find a sac or baby, and she assured me it was just too early (I was confirmed to be 5 weeks 3 days) she said that everything that should be there was. The Corpus Luteum was in the perfect position, and the lining was thick like it was preparing "a great home for the next 9 months" and assured me again that everything was just fine.

There are no words to describe the rest of the eveing other than perfection.It was a church night, and I knew the one person who should know first should be the man I have held onto for 5 years. The man that has never let me forget what we were fighting for, when I though I was done. The man that NEVER let me loose focus, and faith. So while I wanted to shout it from the roof tops I had to wait to get home and tell him privately. It was sooo hard to "lie" to people that have prayed so hard for us those girls knew I was at the doctor, and I wanted an update. All I simply said was "everything went okay" when in my head I am screaming "MY EVERY PRAYER HAS BEEN ANSWERED!! I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!" I even remember going to the bathroom, rubbing my stomach and telling my baby that they are going to be sooo sooo loved by all those people standing outside.

I had a gift prepared for Mike of a picture frame that said "Memories, those tiny moments that change our life forever" I had placed a paper in it that said WE DID IT!!!! Baby Duncan coming soon June 2013!! Thank you for never giving up. Love me, and PJ. and a pregnancy test. Once Mike opened it, and saw that frame, he took a second to process and immediately swallowed me in a hug and cried. The rest of the night are memories I will never forget and I will never share with anyone else, they are mine and mine alone. They were perfection, they were everything I had ever dreamed about and was finally living.

The next night we couldn't hold the excitement in any longer, and we told our parents. Again we used picture frames, I had a frame at home that said I love Grandpa, and placed the picture of the digital pregnancy test inside. We had dinner with his parents, and his mom opened the present, she started screaming and cried. The rest of the evening with them was spent talking of how excited we were, all the plans we had made in such a short time. We left and went to tell my family. I didn't want to but we told my mom and dad separately. My dad had the biggest smile on his face, and was extremely excited. My mom was super sick, and I think she thought she was dreaming. After a night of celebrations we were exhausted.

On Friday there was more pain. I finally called the docotr because I was concerned. They assured me that the pain was normal, as long as there was no blood everything was okay and just told me to take it easy, to rest, and to put my feet up. My second reassurance.

Saturday, again was perfection. We went to Babies R Us, because walking was helping the pain. We planned the perfect nursery, and talked to oblivion about this perfect life we were finally having. Saturday night was the night I finally got to tell our closest friends. Some simply celebrated with us, some cried, some screamed, and some did both :) Thank you best friend! There was only one more couple we wanted to tell together, and they were both not there. We went home on cloud 9. People knew! It was real!!!

When I got ready for bed, I brushed my teeth, and went to use the rest room, that's when I saw the blood. I screamed, jumped up, and told Mike we were going to the emergency room. We called everyone we knew would pray, and just prayed the whole way there. I was holding onto hope, but once they asked for a urine sample and saw nothing but blood in the cup I lost every grasp I had. In my heart I knew it was bad, I knew it was too much blood and it was ending. They still did an ultrasound, and told me everything still looked good inside "your cervix look pregnant" the beta levels were low but they were within range. They told me it could be 3 things. The pregnancy could be loosing the lining, it could be ectopic, or it could be a miscarriage. no outcome was my happily ever after. They sent me home with pain killers, and told me to rest if the pain was too severe to go back to the ER.

On Sunday after laying in bed crying all day, the pain wasn't getting easier, and so we called the OBGYN and they instructed us to go to a different ER, and ask for him. Once we got there, it was the typical crap doctor, he told me he was just going to check my beta levels, and talk with the other doctor. After having the blood drawn, and waiting in the general waiting room for almost an hour, they called us back, and had me sit in the hallway. This is where all my fears were confirmed.My beta levels were declining, and this confirmed a miscarriage. My whole world, all my hopes, and all my dreams that were put into 3 days were shattered. There were no words for this kind of pain, devastation, and heart break.I lost all balance and the need to stand in that moment.

On our way home, I curled into the tightest ball I could and cried. well cried is not an actual description. I lost it. I feel this is redundant, but there were no words. I cried for every dream I had, every dream we had, every smile I had. I opened my eyes, and saw the strongest man I know, the man I had only seen cry 3 times up till this point and once was when I told him about all of our dreams, was weeping. For the 45 minute ride home, I wept. I convulsively shook. I cried out in pain and anger.

The next Over the next couple days the pain still wouldn't ease up. On Monday I still had to go for the follow up with the doctor. After yet another painful pelvic exam, they still could not confirm what was going on, just that it was definitely declining. Over the next 72 hours, I was back in the doctors office 2 more times. They had suggested on Wednesday to due an exploratory surgery, but I wanted to wait on my doctor, and I guess hold onto what was my baby. Even though I knew it was over, I needed to let it go on my time. On Thursday, they insisted the surgery needed to be done. There was still quite too much blood, and it was the wrong color according to them.

At around 6 pm on Thursday night I was wheeled into the operating room, and when I woke up they confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. The surgeon also confirmed that it was really large. They were glad they got "it" out when they did because it couldn't have stayed much more longer without rupturing.

At the follow up today, they wanted me to look at our pictures of my actual procedure, but I refused to look at it. They showed me "examples" of what it looked like. This is from Google, but mine was also a right ectopic as well.


After 4 days here we are today. I am still grieving. This is the child that we wanted so much. The perfect combination of Mike and I. The child that I talked to for 3 days in my stomach. Yes I know that it was 3 days, there was no heart beat, people have been through worse. I know all of these things, I have heard them. That still doesnt take away the pain that this child was wanted, this child was loved more in it's short 3 days then some children I have seen.

I sit here 1 week from the surgery and I am bitter. I am angry. I do not see the justice in this situation, I do not see the fairness. I truly believe that I have been to my equivalent to hell on earth in these past 2 weeks. My heart hurts, my body hurts. I know have permanent body scars that will always remind me of this child that I wanted so much, just didnt get to have. I sit here scared out of my mind for it to happen again. I promised myself that I wouldn't let fear rob my future pregnancies. However, hearing the surgeon today say that I have a high risk of it happeneing again, and my original risk was less than 5%. Now that risk is in the high 30%.

What I really want on this earth is something I am having to accept will never happen, I want answers! I want to understand why I am being punished! What did Mike and I do in this life that warrants this kind of pain! Why did our first pregnancy have to end in such heartbreak. I sit here with animosity, hate, rage, and bitterness, sadness, and depression. I need to understand the reason why!

I was told on Wednesday that it is okay to be angry at God, and boy am I mad. I still pray HARD for God to make me see why, to pull me through this. But right now its just mad. I am blessed that I serve a savior that can take my anger, and love me in spite of it, so I am getting it all out while we grieve. Then comes moving onto acceptance.

After the follow up today they confirmed that "I am no longer pregnant" and it was like a knife all over. This is something I knew. I knew they removed the baby, but still knowing there is no more hormone that classes me as "pregnant" it means we start all over with this enduring process. I thought that it was over for us, we had got our happy ending, but NOPE not for this one. 

I know that one day I will want to remember it all when it isn't saw RAW. On October 24, 2012 my whole world was changed. On October 28, 2012 my world ended, and on November 1, 2012 surgeons removed every hope, prayer and wish I had in 5 years in a small cell. They said it had no heart beat, but it did, it had mine.

Timing

Ok God, your timing not mine! I get it!

This morning I am nursing an aching heart, and a battered ego.

Last night was supposed to be our injections for IUI#2. After receiving the needles, and realizing not only was the needle 2 times bigger, but the medications had tripled so it meant 3 shots instead of 1. I freaked out a little. I spent my entire drive home from work making sure that I was mentally ready for what was coming. I cried, I prayed, and then I listened. When I finally rolled into my drive way I felt at peace and knew that I could handle it. What were 3 more pricks if it meant a baby at the end?

When Husband finally came in from work he had a look of defeat on his face. There was no way he could be off for the possible day of the procedure. The wonderful man that he is tried everything he could do to get off and even was willing to give up both of his off days so someone could give him just Monday. It was no use.  After all the worrying about making sure I had a way home from the hospital, and worrying about the money, and the needles, the hot flashes, sweating, tears, outbursts, and the many other side effects of all the pills, it was all useless. We cannot go through with it this round. We decided not to waist the shots and just wait till October.  Of course I was upset so much so that I went to bed super early (7:30 or 8) and cried myself to sleep.

While there is no one to really be mad at other than his job, I can’t even be mad at that. His job pays our bills, they provide us with a pretty decent health insurance, and are so accommodating with mostly everything Mike needs. However, I did take the pills that were required, so I have pure hormones running through my system and I want to be at someone or something! 

So okay God, I get it your timing is perfect. Thank you for my reminder, and I will trust your plan for our life! We were already starting to worry at the beginning of this turn that the bills were climbing too fast, I have to believe this is the answer to those questions, sadly I think my answer to those prayers is: “Not now, just wait”. So we will, we will pay down the debt in the next month, and look forward to when its time. 

Please just pray that in this next month or 2 we just wait with patient hearts. Waiting has never been something I consider myself good at. I’m not sure when it will be our turn, but I trust the plan that God has for my life. That has to be enough. 

Unwarranted advice.

If I hear the phrase "God's plan" or "Let go and let God" ONE MORE TIME!!!!

I am fully aware that God has a plan for my life, most days I accept this, and prayerfully seek his guidance for the days where it is harder to know. Not everyday for us is a walk in the park filled with daisies and sunshine. We know to appreciate the highs, you have to endure the lows. Again, I KNOW ALL OF THIS!!
For someone to approach me with advice that is unwarranted is appalling to me. Especially the people who seem to know more about my situation and God's path for me, than I do!  God and I are buddies, we chat! Especially lately I have a peace about this whole situation, and I know that only is coming from Him. So for you to sit there, and tell me what I am doing wrong, and how I need to ask God for better understanding is asinine.
This past 6 months, Mike and I have promised to be more open about the situation because people can't know they are being insensitive, unless they understand the root of the hurt. So we did this, and I regret it. Truth is, people still make stupid comments, people still say off the wall things, and people still are insensitive.
I strive everyday to be a good friend, and to be a shoulder for people to cry on when they are down. I want to be sensitive to their situation, yet give Christian advice when it is asked for, and it just boggles my mind that I do not get the same courtesy from 90% of the same people.
Truth is; yes, I have infertility I have experienced way more heartbreak in the past 5 years than most people do in a lifetime. It hurts. This whole journey consumes my life. I want people to be sensitive, but I have to understand, not always will that happen. For you to say, "stop trying" is like telling a sun to stop shining. Thanks, but no thanks.


This was all really jumbled and all over the place, but I am just simply tired of all the unwarranted advice.

No answers.....

We are done with the 2WW, and I still have no answers. My body is normally slower to react, so we decided to wait one week.

I did take a PG test on 11DPIUI because of the "symptoms" I was having. It was a big fat NO.
I convinced myself that it was just too early, and waited to test on Monday, during church on Sunday, I had a minor breakdown, what I assumed was spotting turned out to be nothing. On Monday morning I took the test, and it turned out to be "NO." My cousin gave me slight hope, and told me to check again that night. So I did, and it was still no. There should be no reason that my body is this late. I KNOW I ovulated, medicine made me. Then I should have had a normal 28-day period. Yet, still nothing.

I will call the doctor today, and wait an agonizing 3 days before I have the blood drawn to check the actual levels. Who knows what the answer will be, but the sooner I can have the actual answer, the sooner I can grieve, and get on with my life.

It's agonizing, constantly having to be "on." I never feel at peace or calm. I have tried lately talking to more people about this battle, but it only has made it worse. We were so confident that it was going to work, and now there are so many people who are going to feel "sympathy" when we have to tell them that it didn't. So if you are reading this... Please don't tell me you are sorry. I know people care, and they want this for us, as much as we do, but that phrase only makes it so much worse for me. There has never been a day in the past year where I haven't apologized to my husband for having to take this journey with me, all because he fell in love. I can't and won't apologize to everyone else, because my body failed.....yet again. This is the part that isn't talked about in the infertility world. This is down right HARD! This is why I like to be private! No expectations=no disappointments.

This whole journey my prayer has never been to make it "work." I simply wanted God to prepare my heart for what is to come. I turned it over to him, and truly think he has done just that.  My heart is ready either way. Of course if it's yes, there will not be another baby that is more loved or wanted, than ours, and they will know that. If it is no then I have been there before, and will accept it and plan out the next step. I just want the answer.

This weekend will be about me finding my smile again. I have put my poor husband through the ringer this last week, and have been all over the board with emotions. Hopefully I can change that. I know that he is the one person I don't have to pretend with. He is the one person that has not only just held me while I cried, but has cried with me. He deserves normalcy. My wish is that seeing him carefree will ease the pressure of waiting for Monday.

Prayer requests:
Please just pray for us, pray that somehow, and someway I find my smile again.

DYING

Ok... so maybe that is exaggerating just a little! 

However, this wait is excruciating. Every symptom is making me excited, and every pain is making me fear for the worst. I know of strong women who have had to do this 5 and 6 times, and all I can say is more power to them! This wait is unlike any other. I'm not sure why it's more intense, but each day I feel like the days are creeping by the closer we get to test date. 

My body has been doing some strange things, and I am trying to acknowledge it, but at the same time put it at the back of my mind. Things like: Yesterday, there was nothing that I could eat, that tasted right. Meals that I ate the night before; when I tried to eat it for lunch I was gagging. It was something about the texture. Snacks that I LOOOOOOVE I could barely eat. At dinner, meals that I like couldn't eat more than 2 or 3 bites. Everything just tasted weird. Today I am having massive hot flashes, and pains in my ovaries. Who knows, but I am continually praying over the whole situation. My prayer is just that God prepares my heart for what is happening. 

I need advice: The actual last day for our 2WW is this Sunday. I would have no problem testing on Sunday, and if it is bad just skipping church. BUT Sunday is the going away ceremony for a member of our church. I am in charge of handling the reception, and there is no way I cannot be there. Sunday is also an outing for our church that I have put together. Should I still test on Sunday, or hold off? I can't imagine testing on a workday and having to go through a whole work day grieving, or containing excitement to celebrate. My best friend said that she knows I need time to grieve or to celebrate. I couldn't agree more. But do I take a test in the afternoon, and risk it being wrong? There is no way that I can wait a another week....... WHAT TO DO??!!!?!?!!! 

Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated!