Weary

I wish I had positive good news to report, and I do in one aspect.

Friday was our first appointment in Chicago. Our thoughts were that we would have one appointment and do the retrieval on Monday. Not so much! We believed all along going in that we would be here for 10 days MAX. That is now almost 14 days.
Friday's results came in and the numbers and count were not fantastic (6 follicles and E@ was 109) . "Come back Saturday"
Saturday's results came in and tech was pretty positive that I would be back on Sunday. No retrieval on Monday (8 follicles and "a bagillion" small ones and E2 was at 541) Come back Sunday" 
Sundays results came in still I was told to plan to come the next day (14 follicles highes one being 21mm and E2 was 962) Was told to come back Monday. This now moves the retrieval til Wednesday.

By Monday my body is tired. Mike is tired, I am tired.  We are at the doctor's office every morning before 7 am and I am having an ultrasound and being stuck every single day. I am a small vein person, so they are sticking the same vein every day. I look like a junkie.

Monday the tech said she was sure she would see me tomorrow. No more Wednesday retrieval for me! Levels came back and all the small follicles are catching up, so I have to give them some time. Follicles were at 18 and the E2 is 1793. Sure enough we were told to come back on Tuesday.
Tuesday (9-10-13). The tech sounded confident that I was done.She said she counted 28 follicles  Got the results back a little while ago, she was wrong! There are 41!!!!! In the world of IVF that is amazing and bad at the same time. My E2 is now 3019. My ovaries are the size of tennis balls (normal women are the size of walnuts), which explains all the uncomfortable feelings.FINALLY I get to do my "trigger" shot and our retrieval is set for Thursday.

However, there is a problem. Along with all my other levels my raising really high, my progesterone levels are getting to high. This is a #1 indicator for OHSS. OHSS is extremely dangerouns, and will not go away once pregnant, so it could also be dangerous for baby. I will continue to have blood checked, but if levels do not level out we have 2 options.  All of my levels being so high, and the high quantity of eggs, is a dead give away.
      1. Take our chances and continue on with the risks (failed IVF, higher rate for miscarriage, and in most extremem cases death for me)
      2. Retrieve all eggs, and freeze. Wait for one month and come back once my blood levels have returned to normal levels.

Essentially Mike and I only care about having a healthy happy pregnancy. What might be inconvenient now and uncomfortable, will be worth it the day we hold our baby in our arms. I will fight whatever I have to in order to achieve that. Mike is adamant that we will not pursue anything that puts my life at risk.

So retrieval is definitely set for Thursday. Tomorrow is a no shots day :-), and I plan on enjoying that!  From there it is day by day. Blood work in the AM and results in the afternoon. Worse case scenario we come home on Saturday and make the trip again in October or November. Or we come home on Wednesday, and take our chances.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. My body is tired, my body is sore, my heart is tired, and my body has reached it's limit. We miss our home, we miss our family and friends and shockingly we miss our jobs! We feel like God is guiding this journey, and I am confident he will continue to do so. We love you all!

We did get one beautiful sightseeing day. Thanks to the USO everything we did was wither free, or BOGO! Enjoy our pictures from Chicago!

                                                                Navy Pier Ferris Wheel

                                                              Navy Pier and Chicago

                                                                        Wrigley Field
                                                                         

                              We will always be Braves Fans, but the Green Giant was worth seeing!

You are I am

Going to try and NOT make this a novel. 

Friday, May 10, 2013 we had our first official appointment with a new RE. My friend Kayla had an initial appointment with them about 3 weeks before me. She was so impressed that she contacted me. After only a short conversation with her I knew I had to make an appointment also. 

I had contacted them about 2 years ago when we needed a procedure done. At the time they did not accept my insurance so they have always been pushed out of my mind. Now, that is different I pushed forward. It is not a secret that I did not agree with my last appointment at Emory. My biggest complaint was I did not want to have BOTH tubes removed. I understood the damaged one had to be removed, but not both. Exactly why I needed to hear a second opinion. 

In preparation for this appointment I had prayed extensively! I wrapped myself in prayers, went out of my comfort zone and even had others pray for us. We prayed for peace, we prayed for guidance, and we also prayed that if IVF is the course we need to take, for God to fund it, and make it possible.  Even before we walked into the appointment Mike and I prayed in the car. We prayed for understanding of what we had been through. I wanted to understand why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I also wanted more clarification of what we need to do to achieve our miracle.  My prayer was if there is a road I should walk, Lord, help me find it. Make it all possible. 

OK- so getting to the appointment, I was majorly impressed that not a nurse or practitioner or anyone else came out to get us. It was the Doctor herself. Not in a lab coat or Doctor apparel but in regular clothes. We discussed what we wanted to get out of the appointment and the future and she understood. Dr. C asked us questions directly, we went over the chart in detail, all of the surgeries, procedures, tests, labs, and medicines I have gone through. She asked me to explain everything last October. She acknowledged how painful it must have felt, she saw me get emotional when I had to tell her the dates, she acknowledged that the memory of those dates will always be hard. I never had to think, or try and jog my memory. I knew the day I found out, the day it was confirmed non-viable, and the day it was removed. My first question to her was why it happened. I have done extensive research on Ectopic Pregnancies, and I had none of the factors that made you at risk. In 2008 I had a mild case of appendicitis. When your appendix is infected, or even removed there is such a high risk of adhesions on your tubes or infecting the lining. They are so close together, it is almost impossible to avoid. THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED! Prayer 1 was answered. There is nothing I could have done, I couldn't have prevented it or changed it even if I wanted to. The rest of the appointment when much like this. I had a list of questions ready in my lap and she hit every single one without me asking. Dr C was so personable asking US questions, and explaining every step in detail. She broke it down to my level and did not use Doctor lingo, but more of terms I would understand and comprehend. 

This is where God started to show HE IS IN CONTROL! We began talking about PCOS, and she asked how many months I had been ovulating without medicine. The answer was every month since July of last year. She is convinced that PCOS has diminished enough I do not need to be considered a PCOS patient any longer. I will always have the painful cramps and the mood swings, but as long as the abnormal hair growth stays under control, and I am ovulating on my own, there is no need to aggressively pursue unless something changes. PRAISE!!! Loosing 22 lbs has paid off! While talking about PCOS we began to discuss Clomid which is a medicine to make you ovulate. In the beginning when I took this medicine, I didn't understand what it's purpose was. After I explained that for 10 months that I took it MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED.  She was frustrated that I was not properly explained the purpose. I think her exact words were "So you took an ovulation medicine for 10 months with no access to sperm". This is the only time in the whole visit that I mentioned Mike being in the Army. I mentioned this in the confines of her office, and with the door closed. The only way someone could have heard me was if they were walking by the door at the EXACT time I said this. We talked further and she still believes that IVF is the best possible solution for us. We have such a high success rate of it succeeding. In the percentage that it will also be 54% that it will be twins. While I do know people who are my age, and unfortunately haven't had success I am choosing to remain positive that it will work for me. After such a positive appointment I thought I had maxed out on my miracles for the day. Boy was I ever wrong. 

Our next step was to meet our personal nurse who will handle all lab follow ups, answer any questions we may have, and go with us through the process of it all. While we were going over things with her our patient coordinator walked in. She will handle all appointments and referrals. She introduced us, and she just happened to mention that she overheard us talking to Dr. C about my husband being in the military. She had to have been walking by AT THE EXACT MOMENT! She told us to make sure we ask about military pricing when we meet the financial coordinator. 

When we met with him, he explained so many things about my insurance and coverage, and he gave me the paper for their IVF costs. The price had dropped about $6,500 from our other place. Then I remembered to ask about the military pricing. He then took away that paper, and had to pull the file from his computer, because the pricing was different, and they do not advertise the discount unless you ask about it. I would have never known to ask had it not been for that nurse. He showed me the price and I broke down. The price dropped 50%!!!! The total for our IVF before medicines will be $5,500! All of the medicines will be about $2,000-$3,000, but I can handle that! IVF instantly became obtainable! Yes, this is where I cried! Also when we went to go pay our fee for the day, the clerk was so knowledgable that she looked and asked me why my insurance was based out of Illinois. Illinois is a government mandated fertility coverage state. So by those standards I should have coverage! I looked this up, and it covers one round of IVF and if that is a success it covers 3 rounds after that! 

I finally had my answers, and I had my clarification of where I could go from there. We left the appointment 2 very excited people who had a plan!! 

AND!! 

Want to know what song played as soon as we started the car?

THIS ONE! 

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
who brought the Son back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am


We are now neck deep in finding grants, and battling insurance. We will be trying to put together donations, from friends and family. We truly believe that this is Jesus' leading. So now our prayer is to fund it. We are not above asking for help. ;) 

God truly showed out in that appointment. He answered every prayer, he calmed my spirit, and he delivered the road I need to travel. I KNOW I serve a savior that is capable of miracles, and he gave my broken little heart a little mending on Friday. If he is the God that could bring the dead to life, make the blind see, walk on water, and save a nation, why did I ever doubt that he wouldn't show up to an infertility clinic and prove he hears me! YAY for Jesus! 

Borrowed from a friend.

My friend Lauren posted something the other day that hit so close to home I had to borrow it. 

"I am NOT ashamed by my infertility.
I am NOT embarrassed to talk about my infertility.
I DO get exhausted by the realities of infertility. Today is one of those days where I'm absolutely exhausted by our almost 5 year journey through this shit storm of treatments, losses, and failures."

There are a few differences between the 2 of us, I am just now getting to the point of not being embarrassed or ashamed, but I am still way to private to openly share it unless otherwise asked. However, after 5 years; I am exhausted. Every single month it feels like a knife in the gut, and my heart breaks a little more. 

In our 5 years we have had only one "success" and you shouldn't even call it that, because it ended in disaster. When will it all be over? Now as I am 72 hours from beginning my "late 20's" I have nothing but a mountain of medical bills to show for those years of trying.  

People tell me all the time that 25 (and now 26 on Saturday) is not that old and they are right it isn't, but am I supposed to try for another 5 years before I should worry that it might not happen? Nope, I am there now! I am well aware that IVF might be our only option and we are currently putting plans in place to make that a reality, but what happens when like Lauren, I pay all the money and it fails? My heart breaks for her, she is only 30 and she has had 2 that failed! I thought being younger almost guarantees your success? When is enough enough? 

I'm not ready to give it up yet so we will keep trying, but today is just one of those days that I hurt. I'm tired of seeing the NO, on pregnancy tests, and I am tired of disappointing my husband month after month. I am tired of feeling like I am standing still. I'm so unbelievably and excruciatingly tired of Infertility! 

Defeat

Hi all! I promised myself that when I made this blog I would include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Unfortunately there is no good lately.

After the hell we endured in October and November I was not going to be released to officially try again until I spoke with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) she is the one that found the thyroid problem. After anxiously looking forward to this appointment for over a month I finally went on Friday. I'm not sure how I knew it would be bad, but as I was walking in I looked at my sweet husband and said "I know this is going to be bad, I just don't know how bad". I just knew. Something in my heart knew what was coming, and I choose to think it was preparing me for it. I've really learned you need a thick skin walking in that office. 

I was right. It was bad. It was REALLY bad. After spending 30 mins discussing EVERYTHING in detail (there have been times that I try not to acknowledge the emotions of it, and just stick to the medical details, but the truth of the matter is I was so happy- deliriously happy. Even now I think it would have been better to not know until it was over. But to have 3 days where I thought it was all over, it all now seems like a cruel joke that was played). When we were done discussing it all, she looked at me and said that all my options are over. IVF is now my only shot. Naturally I have less than a 3% of it happening on my own and in that chance there is a 30% chance it will be ectopic again. All of the other options have been tried and didn't work, and she thinks moving forward with more rounds of medicine, and less invasive procedures is a waste of money and time. She could not guarantee a success for IVF, but she said it has almost a 80% success rate for me. The problem is I know people my age, and it has failed for them! The MAJOR factor, it's $18,000!!! On top of all that news, and after begging/pleading/crying for a couple more months of on my own she informed me that the only reason she will agree is to show me that she is on my side, but this really is it. No more. And even with that I have to have more procedures done before I can begin this next round of medicines. (Side note: That medicine is no longer covered on my insurance so unless I pay $194 for 8 pills, that isn't happening either!) It's just a major defeat. Infertility won, Marie lost. 

This is not the plan I had for myself. I know it is no ones, but why us?!! Why this way!! The most expensive, unconventional, invasive, and taxing procedure is my only way to have my only wish?!! Where is that fair? I didn't sign up for that!

There has not been a break since Friday morning. I have been around people constantly since that appointment, and I find myself excusing myself to just go cry. I have cried out, I have screamed, I have gotten REALLY REALLY angry, and said things I never would other wise. I want to be one of those women that blink, and get pregnant, not the one that is now racking her brain, and examining our finances to find what we can get rid of to put that money into our new fund. We will open a new account in the next weeks and pray magically money just appears there. 

My heart aches for what it wants. I want nothing more than the sleepless nights, the morning sickness, the swollen ankles, the temper tantrums, and all the sweet amazing moments in between, I yearn for them, I ache for them. There is nothing about this that I wanted. I was told at church yesterday that I just have this spirit about me that just keeps fighting, and getting back up to swing one more time, but not this time. I think I lost. I'm defeated. 

Timing

Ok God, your timing not mine! I get it!

This morning I am nursing an aching heart, and a battered ego.

Last night was supposed to be our injections for IUI#2. After receiving the needles, and realizing not only was the needle 2 times bigger, but the medications had tripled so it meant 3 shots instead of 1. I freaked out a little. I spent my entire drive home from work making sure that I was mentally ready for what was coming. I cried, I prayed, and then I listened. When I finally rolled into my drive way I felt at peace and knew that I could handle it. What were 3 more pricks if it meant a baby at the end?

When Husband finally came in from work he had a look of defeat on his face. There was no way he could be off for the possible day of the procedure. The wonderful man that he is tried everything he could do to get off and even was willing to give up both of his off days so someone could give him just Monday. It was no use.  After all the worrying about making sure I had a way home from the hospital, and worrying about the money, and the needles, the hot flashes, sweating, tears, outbursts, and the many other side effects of all the pills, it was all useless. We cannot go through with it this round. We decided not to waist the shots and just wait till October.  Of course I was upset so much so that I went to bed super early (7:30 or 8) and cried myself to sleep.

While there is no one to really be mad at other than his job, I can’t even be mad at that. His job pays our bills, they provide us with a pretty decent health insurance, and are so accommodating with mostly everything Mike needs. However, I did take the pills that were required, so I have pure hormones running through my system and I want to be at someone or something! 

So okay God, I get it your timing is perfect. Thank you for my reminder, and I will trust your plan for our life! We were already starting to worry at the beginning of this turn that the bills were climbing too fast, I have to believe this is the answer to those questions, sadly I think my answer to those prayers is: “Not now, just wait”. So we will, we will pay down the debt in the next month, and look forward to when its time. 

Please just pray that in this next month or 2 we just wait with patient hearts. Waiting has never been something I consider myself good at. I’m not sure when it will be our turn, but I trust the plan that God has for my life. That has to be enough. 

It's on!!!

IUI has officially begun!!

As much as I wished that I would already be pregnant by now, and wouldn't have to go through with it. I'm glad to say that Monday was officially Day 1, called the RE and have my 3 day u/s tomorrow! This is the first time in almost 5 years that I have been excited about CD 1!

AND- Want to know who had a normal 28(ish) day (I started to see the signs on day 28, but didn't actually start till day 30) period all by herself, with no meds??!?!!! THIS GIRL!!!!!

I am not looking forward to going to going to the appointment alone, but I knew when we started I would have to do some of it alone! Keep reminding myself this is just another u/s. I have had plenty before! This is a piece of cake!

Prayers:
Calm nerves in the morning
Remember to ask the questions I have
Remain relaxed and enjoy the process tomorrow!

Where to begin.

   This is overwhelming to say the least. I have been DESPERATELY trying to get the emotions that I have been feeling out out days. Instead they only come out as anger, depression, and tears. 


A little about us. Mike and I have been together since April of 2005. In April of 2006 before he deployed to Iraq he promised me something. Mike promised me that he would always love me, and that no matter where this life took us he would stand beside me and be my #1 fan. In return I said I would do the same. I promised I would marry him. December 15, 2007 my forever began. We were married on a cold rainy day, in front of 165 of our closest friends and family. In January of 2008 we got the news that within that year he would deploy again. On January 8, 2008 we decided to start trying for a baby. After 8 months of trying with no luck we went to see the doctors and discovered the news that would change our world. I was diagnosed with severe Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. My ovaries were 80% covered with cysts. Along with that I was diagnosed with a condition called Endometrosis. Which is a condition of cyst-like cells living on the inside of my uterus, as well as the ovarian cysts living on the outside. I was given a 10-15% success rate of having children naturally. 


Now, after 2 deployments the 4 year anniversary of that day quickly approaching. We are still trying. To say that I am frustrated would be an understatement. My whole life I have wanted to be a Mommy. There is nothing in this life, I want more. I want to be able to hold a child in my arms and KNOW that I witnessed a miracle. Everyone in our circle of friends has children. Most are working on their second, and I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. Problem is, that bothering lingering feeling is working it's way out. Very quickly I am loosing the battle to "remain sane". As if there was a thought of that in the beginning. For every baby shower I attend, every hospital I visit. A little part of the hope I has dies. 


I have a round of tests coming up next week, and I am struggling to remain positive. I have done everything they asked of me. I am literally terrified that I will be told the same story.. "I am sorry there is nothing more I can do". Mike is being absolutely wonderful through all of this, and has learned to not try to make since of it anymore to me. Just let me be. Last night for almost 2 hours, he let me cry, he didn't try to make me stop, he didn't try to get me to talk, he didn't try to explain. He is the only one in my life that knows the hurt I feel. 


I laid there last night and cried for the child I don't know. How is it possible to miss something so much that you have never met? I cried for the person I have been to people who do not deserve my attitude. I cried for the husband who loves me even though we are not certain if I will ever give him. I cried for so many things. I cried for myself. 


Ok, this has gone on way to long now. I would appreciate prayers and support in this journey that I am in. I would appreciate just saying a prayer for my heart. To truly accept whatever it is that God has planned for me. 


Love, 
Marie