Nerves

7 days! My head doesn't seem to grasp that. In 7 short days I will load up in a car and head to a brand new city, that neither one of us has ever been, and navigate this crazy life of IVF. However, I think my heart has been ready for this for 6 years.

In January, we were told that IVF was my only option. I was devastated. I was crippled. I thought at the time this would never happen. Now, not only is it happening it is happening soon!

More than anything I think I am proud of the fact that through this whole journey is it has been Christ led. Every step, every decision, every aspect of this has been prayed over, and given over to Him. This is the only way for us.  We KNOW he is leading, he has taken the reigns and we are just dutifully following.

All that being said, I am scared. There have been days where I have had to pray every hour, sometimes every minute for God to take away the fear, and He has every time. I have calmed down, I have regrouped and tackled whatever it was in front of me.

The thought of IVF is daunting. The money is astronomical. The shots are painful. The risk of this all ending in my heart broken is debilitating. My nerves sometimes run away from me. This is where we are pleading for your help.

So many things have been thrown in our way to stop this from happening, but our God has overcome them in a way only He can. We have paid out of pocket for expenses we never saw coming. Just this morning I had to pay $3,314.49 for medicines I thought were going to be covered. We have begged, and borrowed, every dollar we could. Yet, we are still in need.

If you are able to donate, please do so in knowing that every single cent is going for this journey. We are still a bit ways away because of those surprise costs, but I know I serve a God bigger than money.

Will you also please pray with us. This journey has never been mine. It is all for a lesson coming from a teacher who knows the plan He has for us. Whether that lesson be good or bad. Pray my heart is ready to receive it. Pray for the needles to not seem so scary, the trip to be as relaxing as possible.

Lastly, pray for my sweet husband. He has had to endure quite a bit, and suffer silently. As a man, he takes the brunt of it all. He has no one to reach out to. He is the one that has to willingly inflect pain on me every single day, something that he swore to me he would never do,  all for a chance. He will have to drive 13 hours one way, sit in a hotel for 10 days essentially alone while I sleep. My heart hurts for him. Pray with me, give him strength in this, give his hands the precision they need for shots, and give him the strength to endure the next couple weeks.
*If you are reading this, YOU are the only one I would willingly do this with.* 

Good or bad in 7 days it is out of my hands. I will live my life knowing I have done everything I could. Again, if you can donate, please do. We really need you. Thank you for loving us.

Please use this link to donate:
A Donation for the Duncan's

Timing

Ok God, your timing not mine! I get it!

This morning I am nursing an aching heart, and a battered ego.

Last night was supposed to be our injections for IUI#2. After receiving the needles, and realizing not only was the needle 2 times bigger, but the medications had tripled so it meant 3 shots instead of 1. I freaked out a little. I spent my entire drive home from work making sure that I was mentally ready for what was coming. I cried, I prayed, and then I listened. When I finally rolled into my drive way I felt at peace and knew that I could handle it. What were 3 more pricks if it meant a baby at the end?

When Husband finally came in from work he had a look of defeat on his face. There was no way he could be off for the possible day of the procedure. The wonderful man that he is tried everything he could do to get off and even was willing to give up both of his off days so someone could give him just Monday. It was no use.  After all the worrying about making sure I had a way home from the hospital, and worrying about the money, and the needles, the hot flashes, sweating, tears, outbursts, and the many other side effects of all the pills, it was all useless. We cannot go through with it this round. We decided not to waist the shots and just wait till October.  Of course I was upset so much so that I went to bed super early (7:30 or 8) and cried myself to sleep.

While there is no one to really be mad at other than his job, I can’t even be mad at that. His job pays our bills, they provide us with a pretty decent health insurance, and are so accommodating with mostly everything Mike needs. However, I did take the pills that were required, so I have pure hormones running through my system and I want to be at someone or something! 

So okay God, I get it your timing is perfect. Thank you for my reminder, and I will trust your plan for our life! We were already starting to worry at the beginning of this turn that the bills were climbing too fast, I have to believe this is the answer to those questions, sadly I think my answer to those prayers is: “Not now, just wait”. So we will, we will pay down the debt in the next month, and look forward to when its time. 

Please just pray that in this next month or 2 we just wait with patient hearts. Waiting has never been something I consider myself good at. I’m not sure when it will be our turn, but I trust the plan that God has for my life. That has to be enough. 

Loving friends pt. 2

First a quick update. M is currently in the field for his Army duties. It is a survival weekend with the bare minimum and added onto a qualifying weekend at the rifle range. Neither I am concerned about. He literally thrives in the military environment. It is where he is at his strongest.
 There are a few things going on with the TTC aspect of our lives. I am trying to keep it all in, and not share all the aspects of our infertility life anymore, but with him being gone there is no one to vent to or share with. I keep telling myself I will not let myself go there, but I ALWAYS do. I have to remind myself that it is okay to be hopeful, but not let go of the reality that is our situation. I am doing better around others, and I can even look hold conversations with others about their expected children or children. There have been a few minor slip ups where I have to excuse myself from a room, or I need to shut people out in order to protect my heart, and I think that is okay.

I have been bombarded lately with people's "advice" and have even found a really AMAZING blog about loving your friend through infertility. I have read it and can honestly say this is what I needed my friends to hear. I will not paraphrase what she wrote. I will not due it justice.

http://jackielopina.wordpress.com/loving-your-friend-through-infertility-series/

Her words are powerful and everything is based off scripture. There is a really great post about loving your friend yet asking questions. This is what I sometimes hope for. I am not asking Our friendship to be like in the movies, but I am asking you to care. As much effort as I have put forth I need you to see how to return that. But if anyone knows a thing about me, you will know that I do not and will not ever ask for that.

There are several posts about what and how to pray for a friend struggling with infertility, and I will only add to that list. Please pray for my heart. My parents both suffer from a form of depression and I tend to take stuff way to personal when it doesn’t need to be. Please just pray for my heart to stay guarded a little bit. I need some sort of privacy in my life, and I think I am finally finding that.

The post about what not to say is DEAD ON!! To put it bluntly, people say stupid things. I have had most of these said to me a time or 6 and it hurts. But I understand, if you have never had to live this life then you will never understand the burden we feel.  *Let me clarify one though. If you are reading this then you know Mike and I have considered adoption. We have all the paperwork to submit and know the steps now. HOWEVER- There is a loss when it comes to infertility. This is where my depression comes in. Adopting is not going to make that loss go away. I am very private about this, and will continue to be. I know the steps I need to take before we can move on. I need to seek counseling to let it all go, and WE as a couple need to accept that. This is what is holding us back.  The “Your so young” comment is the most hurtful to me. I KNOWWWWWW I am only 25, BUT where I saw my life as far as parenthood and where it is are 2 very different things. By 25 in my head I had 2.5 kids. Yet here I am, with NONE. Not even pregnant. PLEASE STOP SAYING THIS TO ME!!!! 

The last one that I will mention is the one from the husbands perspective. There is no one on this planet who deserves to be a father more than my husband. If I would have one request though. It's for people to understand that he is hurting too. He needs as much support through this as I do. I am not sure how to help him. But maybe you do. An occasional FB post or message just to let him know that he is not caring all of this on his own. M would never admit that he is struggling but you can see how much this whole situation is affecting him as much as it is me. He just hides it better. Pray for my dear sweet husband. 

I THINK I am done for now. Thank you all for reading. Thank you for the e-mails and thank you for the encouragment. It means everything.

Until next time.......  

Loving friends

I finally found a few blogs and quotes that I need to sit down and form together into thoughts of how I personally feel, so my friends can better understand how to love a friend like me through this world of infertility. Stay tuned........

I'm choosing to hope.

I'm choosing to be hopeful.

 I am the brace-for-the-worst and hope for the best kind of person, but in the process of doing that I am loosing who I am. I am no longer the girl with the infectious smile that laughs at her self, makes silly jokes, acts like a goof ball, LOVES herself, and above all else has FAITH to get her through the toughest situations. There are times when she comes back, or makes a rare appearance and it makes me miss who I was before all of this got started.

My incredible husband who has never let me face this world of infertility alone is constantly reminding me that I am going to be a mother one day. One day soon. No one in my life is as reassuring as he is. I want to be hopeful for him. I want him to have a normal wife again. So for that I am choosing to be hopeful.

Although they would never openly admit it, I know that there are people who have distanced themselves from me, because all my brain can only seem to talk about the need for that "dream" to become reality. I want those friendships back, so I am choosing to be hopeful.

My family and the closest friends have to hear me cry about having this stupid battle. They all have their own battles and struggles that each is going through that I want to be completely there for him and be the kind of friend that they have been to me. For them, I am choosing to be hopeful.

I dont for a second think this is going to be an easy battle. I feel like I need to personally take care of it all and "handle" it. There is nothing left in my hands to handle. I have given it all over to Christ and trust that he knows my heart. I have found myself thinking about all of it less, and focusing on other aspects of my life. I haven't been to the doctor in over 6 weeks, and really feel refreshed. I chose a couple days ago to stop doing all the ovulation tests and the "predictors" I finally took my husband off the "schedule" and have learned the less stress I put on my mind about it all, the less stress my body will feel.

I have had the same prayer for over 4 years, and still do not understand the bigger picture of it all, but I do see the lessons. I have cried out in anger, I have trembled in fear, I have lost who I wanted to be. I am getting that person back though, I am determined. I won't let sadness steal my future. I won't let pain steal my hopes and ambitions.  

I know somewhere deep inside of me I will hold a child of mine in my arms. I will hold onto that thought and that hope, the only difference is I will hold that thought in my heart, and be hopeful for the dark days.

I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. I'm choosing to hope. (repetition right..?)

Lessons

Yes it's cheesy to get quotes from a TV show, but this was kind of appropriate.

"Take a look at your self in the mirror. Who do you see looking back? Is it the person that you want to be? Or is there someone else you were meant to be, the person you should have been but feel short of. Is someone telling you that you can't or you won't. Because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do. Sometimes happiness doesn't come from money, or fame or power. Sometimes happiness come from good friends or family and from the quiet nobility of leading a good life. Believe that dreams come true every day, because they do. Believe that dreams come true EVERY day, because they do. So take a look in that mirror, and remind your self to be happy, because you deserve to be. BELIEVE THAT. and believe that dreams come true every day, because they do.".

Thank you One Tree Hill for your insight today.

A nice slap in the face by reality.

This weekend our church youth went to a convention that Mike and I were asked to help chaperone.
The weekend was powerful for them, and I am hoping they took something away from such a powerful message. As a "leader" my job was to make sure no one got hurt-meaning no one was missing any body parts, and that they were safe. But as a "leader" you really do sacrifice so much......

• I will never get back the 15+ hours I missed out on in sleep. 
• The pain in my calf muscles will not go away for a LONG time. 
• I will never understand the mind of a teenager. 
• I will not be out of this stupid boot for at least another week, (stupid move, Marie to walk EVERYWHERE)!!

What I got out of it was so much more, though. I learned that teenagers today battle SOOO many more challenges than I ever dreamed of in high school. I learned that the kids who seem to "have it all" are breaking inside. I learned that no matter how good of an idea it seems, haunted houses are NEVER a good idea. I learned that Jamie Grace IS as cool as she sounds. I learned Matt McCoy's eye color is just not fair, (seriously, GOOGLE Matt McCoy Band)  I learned that comedy CAN be funny without all the cussing. I learned there is nothing more attractive to me than seeing your husband with his hands folded together, head bowed and praying. Then the most important lesson of all I learned was this...."God wants to see that you appreciate the little things, before he will let you have the BIG things".... 

   A lesson that was intended for high school students, I just heard the phrase that shook me to my core. So that is what I am striving to do. Be more appreciative of all of the small things I have. I started this weekend with telling SOMEONE something that I am thankful for that day. Today, I am thankful for A LOT. I am thankful that I got the opportunity to be with those "kids" this weekend. I am thankful that I had someone who took a chance on us, and chaperoned our trip. I value her so much more now. I am thankful for seeing Christ through my husband. I am thankful that those girls want to know more about Christ and they think I "have it all". I am thankful I am not a teenager anymore. I am thankful that I still can learn a lesson in the most peculiar ways.