On October 24, 2012, I sat in a waiting room for an ultrasound that was to begin at 3:45pm.
I was shaking, nervous, and so beyond thankful. I was pregnant. It was really happening.
Today, Thursday, October 24, 2013, at 3:45 pm, I am sitting in the same doctor's office, same waiting room, having the same ultrasound done, except this time it is to confirm that everything is looking great. I will officially be one step away from FET. Last check up before we travel.
It is with grateful hearts that I can report, because of the amazing love and kindness of so many, we ARE going to Chicago. The money was raised and $1,700 was debited from our account Tuesday morning.
Today has been a day of sadness for me, but also a day to look forward to this amazing chapter that is being written. I will always love that tiny miracle, and will take a small amount of time to immerse myself in the feelings from last year. But, I also will say a prayer for the roads we have traveled this past year. I KNOW that miracles can happen. With your help we watched as the impossible, God made possible!
Sitting in this waiting room I am still be nervous, scared, and again so far beyond thankful, so much so that my brain could not comprehend last year!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!
Showing posts with label Ectopic. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ectopic. Show all posts
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Saturday, June 22, 2013
Letting go.
Today is your estimated due date. Today is the day that I was so sure all of our dreams were going to come true. Today is the day that for 3 days I prayed would hurry up and get here.
3 Days. 72 Hours. 4,320 minutes. 259,200 seconds. I loved you every second. I loved you long before I knew, and I love you still.
I think you about you every day, but especially today. I think about you when I see the scars that were left behind when they took you out. I think about you when I drive by that hospital. I think about you when I hear a certain song, or think about Halloween. I think about you now when we are starring down IVF, I didn't think I would ever need this. I had you! You were so so so wanted. You were so loved!
A very big part of me wants to be sad about today. I want to be angry I never got to know you, but instead I have to be happy that you existed. I got to see the looks on so many of our families and friends faces, as I told them you were finally happening. No matter the outcome, those memories I will never forget. Just when I thought I was done, and I couldn't go anymore, you restored my hope in miracles. YOU were my miracle.
For 3 days I prayed the next nine months would fly by, but instead I have spent the past 8 1/2 months dreading this day. In my perfect little dream you are here, and you are healthy, you are this beautiful combination of your Daddy and I. You are so perfect, too perfect in fact, way to perfect to live in this broken world. So you don't. You live in my memories of all the plans I had for you, you live in my heart.
Thank you for being my miracle.
Love,
Mommy
Today will be hard. Today is just going to plain suck, the only silver lining is we do have something to look forward to. In September we will be pursuing IVF, but it is costly. Would you please be in prayer with us, and if you feel led there is a link to the right to donate to our cause. Every dime we will be spent towards this trip and achieving this miracle that we are so desperately in search of. We love you all! Thank you for going on this journey with us.
3 Days. 72 Hours. 4,320 minutes. 259,200 seconds. I loved you every second. I loved you long before I knew, and I love you still.
I think you about you every day, but especially today. I think about you when I see the scars that were left behind when they took you out. I think about you when I drive by that hospital. I think about you when I hear a certain song, or think about Halloween. I think about you now when we are starring down IVF, I didn't think I would ever need this. I had you! You were so so so wanted. You were so loved!
A very big part of me wants to be sad about today. I want to be angry I never got to know you, but instead I have to be happy that you existed. I got to see the looks on so many of our families and friends faces, as I told them you were finally happening. No matter the outcome, those memories I will never forget. Just when I thought I was done, and I couldn't go anymore, you restored my hope in miracles. YOU were my miracle.
For 3 days I prayed the next nine months would fly by, but instead I have spent the past 8 1/2 months dreading this day. In my perfect little dream you are here, and you are healthy, you are this beautiful combination of your Daddy and I. You are so perfect, too perfect in fact, way to perfect to live in this broken world. So you don't. You live in my memories of all the plans I had for you, you live in my heart.
Thank you for being my miracle.
Love,
Mommy
Today will be hard. Today is just going to plain suck, the only silver lining is we do have something to look forward to. In September we will be pursuing IVF, but it is costly. Would you please be in prayer with us, and if you feel led there is a link to the right to donate to our cause. Every dime we will be spent towards this trip and achieving this miracle that we are so desperately in search of. We love you all! Thank you for going on this journey with us.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
You are I am
Going to try and NOT make this a novel.
Friday, May 10, 2013 we had our first official appointment with a new RE. My friend Kayla had an initial appointment with them about 3 weeks before me. She was so impressed that she contacted me. After only a short conversation with her I knew I had to make an appointment also.
I had contacted them about 2 years ago when we needed a procedure done. At the time they did not accept my insurance so they have always been pushed out of my mind. Now, that is different I pushed forward. It is not a secret that I did not agree with my last appointment at Emory. My biggest complaint was I did not want to have BOTH tubes removed. I understood the damaged one had to be removed, but not both. Exactly why I needed to hear a second opinion.
In preparation for this appointment I had prayed extensively! I wrapped myself in prayers, went out of my comfort zone and even had others pray for us. We prayed for peace, we prayed for guidance, and we also prayed that if IVF is the course we need to take, for God to fund it, and make it possible. Even before we walked into the appointment Mike and I prayed in the car. We prayed for understanding of what we had been through. I wanted to understand why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I also wanted more clarification of what we need to do to achieve our miracle. My prayer was if there is a road I should walk, Lord, help me find it. Make it all possible.
OK- so getting to the appointment, I was majorly impressed that not a nurse or practitioner or anyone else came out to get us. It was the Doctor herself. Not in a lab coat or Doctor apparel but in regular clothes. We discussed what we wanted to get out of the appointment and the future and she understood. Dr. C asked us questions directly, we went over the chart in detail, all of the surgeries, procedures, tests, labs, and medicines I have gone through. She asked me to explain everything last October. She acknowledged how painful it must have felt, she saw me get emotional when I had to tell her the dates, she acknowledged that the memory of those dates will always be hard. I never had to think, or try and jog my memory. I knew the day I found out, the day it was confirmed non-viable, and the day it was removed. My first question to her was why it happened. I have done extensive research on Ectopic Pregnancies, and I had none of the factors that made you at risk. In 2008 I had a mild case of appendicitis. When your appendix is infected, or even removed there is such a high risk of adhesions on your tubes or infecting the lining. They are so close together, it is almost impossible to avoid. THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED! Prayer 1 was answered. There is nothing I could have done, I couldn't have prevented it or changed it even if I wanted to. The rest of the appointment when much like this. I had a list of questions ready in my lap and she hit every single one without me asking. Dr C was so personable asking US questions, and explaining every step in detail. She broke it down to my level and did not use Doctor lingo, but more of terms I would understand and comprehend.
This is where God started to show HE IS IN CONTROL! We began talking about PCOS, and she asked how many months I had been ovulating without medicine. The answer was every month since July of last year. She is convinced that PCOS has diminished enough I do not need to be considered a PCOS patient any longer. I will always have the painful cramps and the mood swings, but as long as the abnormal hair growth stays under control, and I am ovulating on my own, there is no need to aggressively pursue unless something changes. PRAISE!!! Loosing 22 lbs has paid off! While talking about PCOS we began to discuss Clomid which is a medicine to make you ovulate. In the beginning when I took this medicine, I didn't understand what it's purpose was. After I explained that for 10 months that I took it MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED. She was frustrated that I was not properly explained the purpose. I think her exact words were "So you took an ovulation medicine for 10 months with no access to sperm". This is the only time in the whole visit that I mentioned Mike being in the Army. I mentioned this in the confines of her office, and with the door closed. The only way someone could have heard me was if they were walking by the door at the EXACT time I said this. We talked further and she still believes that IVF is the best possible solution for us. We have such a high success rate of it succeeding. In the percentage that it will also be 54% that it will be twins. While I do know people who are my age, and unfortunately haven't had success I am choosing to remain positive that it will work for me. After such a positive appointment I thought I had maxed out on my miracles for the day. Boy was I ever wrong.
Our next step was to meet our personal nurse who will handle all lab follow ups, answer any questions we may have, and go with us through the process of it all. While we were going over things with her our patient coordinator walked in. She will handle all appointments and referrals. She introduced us, and she just happened to mention that she overheard us talking to Dr. C about my husband being in the military. She had to have been walking by AT THE EXACT MOMENT! She told us to make sure we ask about military pricing when we meet the financial coordinator.
When we met with him, he explained so many things about my insurance and coverage, and he gave me the paper for their IVF costs. The price had dropped about $6,500 from our other place. Then I remembered to ask about the military pricing. He then took away that paper, and had to pull the file from his computer, because the pricing was different, and they do not advertise the discount unless you ask about it. I would have never known to ask had it not been for that nurse. He showed me the price and I broke down. The price dropped 50%!!!! The total for our IVF before medicines will be $5,500! All of the medicines will be about $2,000-$3,000, but I can handle that! IVF instantly became obtainable! Yes, this is where I cried! Also when we went to go pay our fee for the day, the clerk was so knowledgable that she looked and asked me why my insurance was based out of Illinois. Illinois is a government mandated fertility coverage state. So by those standards I should have coverage! I looked this up, and it covers one round of IVF and if that is a success it covers 3 rounds after that!
I finally had my answers, and I had my clarification of where I could go from there. We left the appointment 2 very excited people who had a plan!!
AND!!
Want to know what song played as soon as we started the car?
THIS ONE!
I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
We are now neck deep in finding grants, and battling insurance. We will be trying to put together donations, from friends and family. We truly believe that this is Jesus' leading. So now our prayer is to fund it. We are not above asking for help. ;)
God truly showed out in that appointment. He answered every prayer, he calmed my spirit, and he delivered the road I need to travel. I KNOW I serve a savior that is capable of miracles, and he gave my broken little heart a little mending on Friday. If he is the God that could bring the dead to life, make the blind see, walk on water, and save a nation, why did I ever doubt that he wouldn't show up to an infertility clinic and prove he hears me! YAY for Jesus!
Friday, May 10, 2013 we had our first official appointment with a new RE. My friend Kayla had an initial appointment with them about 3 weeks before me. She was so impressed that she contacted me. After only a short conversation with her I knew I had to make an appointment also.
I had contacted them about 2 years ago when we needed a procedure done. At the time they did not accept my insurance so they have always been pushed out of my mind. Now, that is different I pushed forward. It is not a secret that I did not agree with my last appointment at Emory. My biggest complaint was I did not want to have BOTH tubes removed. I understood the damaged one had to be removed, but not both. Exactly why I needed to hear a second opinion.
In preparation for this appointment I had prayed extensively! I wrapped myself in prayers, went out of my comfort zone and even had others pray for us. We prayed for peace, we prayed for guidance, and we also prayed that if IVF is the course we need to take, for God to fund it, and make it possible. Even before we walked into the appointment Mike and I prayed in the car. We prayed for understanding of what we had been through. I wanted to understand why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I also wanted more clarification of what we need to do to achieve our miracle. My prayer was if there is a road I should walk, Lord, help me find it. Make it all possible.
OK- so getting to the appointment, I was majorly impressed that not a nurse or practitioner or anyone else came out to get us. It was the Doctor herself. Not in a lab coat or Doctor apparel but in regular clothes. We discussed what we wanted to get out of the appointment and the future and she understood. Dr. C asked us questions directly, we went over the chart in detail, all of the surgeries, procedures, tests, labs, and medicines I have gone through. She asked me to explain everything last October. She acknowledged how painful it must have felt, she saw me get emotional when I had to tell her the dates, she acknowledged that the memory of those dates will always be hard. I never had to think, or try and jog my memory. I knew the day I found out, the day it was confirmed non-viable, and the day it was removed. My first question to her was why it happened. I have done extensive research on Ectopic Pregnancies, and I had none of the factors that made you at risk. In 2008 I had a mild case of appendicitis. When your appendix is infected, or even removed there is such a high risk of adhesions on your tubes or infecting the lining. They are so close together, it is almost impossible to avoid. THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED! Prayer 1 was answered. There is nothing I could have done, I couldn't have prevented it or changed it even if I wanted to. The rest of the appointment when much like this. I had a list of questions ready in my lap and she hit every single one without me asking. Dr C was so personable asking US questions, and explaining every step in detail. She broke it down to my level and did not use Doctor lingo, but more of terms I would understand and comprehend.
This is where God started to show HE IS IN CONTROL! We began talking about PCOS, and she asked how many months I had been ovulating without medicine. The answer was every month since July of last year. She is convinced that PCOS has diminished enough I do not need to be considered a PCOS patient any longer. I will always have the painful cramps and the mood swings, but as long as the abnormal hair growth stays under control, and I am ovulating on my own, there is no need to aggressively pursue unless something changes. PRAISE!!! Loosing 22 lbs has paid off! While talking about PCOS we began to discuss Clomid which is a medicine to make you ovulate. In the beginning when I took this medicine, I didn't understand what it's purpose was. After I explained that for 10 months that I took it MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED. She was frustrated that I was not properly explained the purpose. I think her exact words were "So you took an ovulation medicine for 10 months with no access to sperm". This is the only time in the whole visit that I mentioned Mike being in the Army. I mentioned this in the confines of her office, and with the door closed. The only way someone could have heard me was if they were walking by the door at the EXACT time I said this. We talked further and she still believes that IVF is the best possible solution for us. We have such a high success rate of it succeeding. In the percentage that it will also be 54% that it will be twins. While I do know people who are my age, and unfortunately haven't had success I am choosing to remain positive that it will work for me. After such a positive appointment I thought I had maxed out on my miracles for the day. Boy was I ever wrong.
Our next step was to meet our personal nurse who will handle all lab follow ups, answer any questions we may have, and go with us through the process of it all. While we were going over things with her our patient coordinator walked in. She will handle all appointments and referrals. She introduced us, and she just happened to mention that she overheard us talking to Dr. C about my husband being in the military. She had to have been walking by AT THE EXACT MOMENT! She told us to make sure we ask about military pricing when we meet the financial coordinator.
When we met with him, he explained so many things about my insurance and coverage, and he gave me the paper for their IVF costs. The price had dropped about $6,500 from our other place. Then I remembered to ask about the military pricing. He then took away that paper, and had to pull the file from his computer, because the pricing was different, and they do not advertise the discount unless you ask about it. I would have never known to ask had it not been for that nurse. He showed me the price and I broke down. The price dropped 50%!!!! The total for our IVF before medicines will be $5,500! All of the medicines will be about $2,000-$3,000, but I can handle that! IVF instantly became obtainable! Yes, this is where I cried! Also when we went to go pay our fee for the day, the clerk was so knowledgable that she looked and asked me why my insurance was based out of Illinois. Illinois is a government mandated fertility coverage state. So by those standards I should have coverage! I looked this up, and it covers one round of IVF and if that is a success it covers 3 rounds after that!
I finally had my answers, and I had my clarification of where I could go from there. We left the appointment 2 very excited people who had a plan!!
AND!!
Want to know what song played as soon as we started the car?
THIS ONE!
I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough
I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
who brought the Son back to life
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am
We are now neck deep in finding grants, and battling insurance. We will be trying to put together donations, from friends and family. We truly believe that this is Jesus' leading. So now our prayer is to fund it. We are not above asking for help. ;)
God truly showed out in that appointment. He answered every prayer, he calmed my spirit, and he delivered the road I need to travel. I KNOW I serve a savior that is capable of miracles, and he gave my broken little heart a little mending on Friday. If he is the God that could bring the dead to life, make the blind see, walk on water, and save a nation, why did I ever doubt that he wouldn't show up to an infertility clinic and prove he hears me! YAY for Jesus!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Dreams
Not much going on with us in the world of infertility lately. We are steadily paying down medical debt we occurred during last October. We are saving for IVF, and have about 1/6 of it covered. YAY for progress! We just got back from an amazing trip to NYC, that I have dreamed of taking. I have already had several people ask me, why spend the money? When you are saving for IVF? Am I not allowed to enjoy my life? Am I just supposed to sit around every day waiting for something that may never happen? I want to ENJOY my life, with or without kids!! Get off my back!
Last night I had the most vivid dream I have had since we lost the baby. I have had small visions of what life would be like, but last night was a full blown dream in 2 parts. So real that I woke up and immediately had to feel my stomach. Part 1 was us at Husband's family Thanksgiving dinner. Our niece was there, and she looked to be about the same, both brothers were there with their wives. It felt like it should be THIS Thanksgiving. I sat in the spot I always sat in at their house in the living room, while everyone else around were doing normal things. Husband and his brothers were looking at hiking things, My 2 SIL were with my MIL in the kitchen and I was sitting there, this seemed odd at first, until she announced it was time to eat, and I had to call Mike over to help me stand. I was WOAH pregnant. My belly was huge! Everyone made jokes about how hard it was for me to do things, and I just slowly rubbed my belly saying it was all worth it.
This is where I shot up in the middle of the night. I rubbed my stomach, realized it wasn't real and cried till I was back asleep.
Part 2 was Christmas at the same house (there is no way to describe that house during Christmas, it's very distinct), with the same people. Everyone was passing and holding the tiny 3 week baby that we had prayed so hard for. As she always does, I watched as Mike's mom held her new grandchild and cried. I watched both aunts and both uncles completely become enamored with this tiny child.
I dream of this life. Why it felt like it was Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2013 I do not know. Hopefully that is a good sign!
June is quickly approaching, and while I would love to pretend I will be okay on the day and act like nothing special is going on. June 23rd is supposed to be the day all my dreams came true. I KNOW I couldn't do the "brave" face and keep it together. So I have requested a vacation. Nothing major 3 days at a beach, with my husband, where we can wake up on that morning and watch the sunrise over the ocean, and if need be cry. Away from having to pretend and just let it go. After that day it will all be over. I really think we need it. Now we just need to find somewhere to go!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)