To the father who didn't get to be.

My heart aches today. I have had several breakdowns throughout the day, because Mike can't celebrate today. I am very aware that one week from now should be the day that we are celebrating the birth of our child. If my perfect little dream had come true I could be either VERY VERY pregnant right now, or holding our newborn child. Today hurts more than other years, because as much as I want to be a Mom, I want to make Mike a father. He is the epitome of what a good Dad is. He deserves this. In the 3 short, blissful, amazing days we had to know about our child he was a doting Dad. He talked to his child, he loved his child's mom in a way that took my breath away. He put plans in place to ensure that any child of his would be loved, and know they were everything to him. So to the father who isn't today. This is for you.. 

There are no words for today. I ache to make you a father, and while we were so close, this day reminds me of how far we were. I am absolutely sure of one thing in this life, you were meant to be a Dad. Those 3 sweet days we had make want to hold on for our future. In the days that followed that awful day our dream ended and now YOU are what make me push through. You are the strongest man I know, and you amaze me with the selfless love you have. There is NO ONE in this world who is more proud of you, or loves you more that I do.
So for you, and only for you I will fight in the next couple months. I will endure any procedure, I will endure any shot, I will take it all, and fight to make this procedure a success because you my dear sweet handsome husband deserve to be a father. I am so blessed that in this life whatever child(ren) we may have. They get YOU as a Dad. Thank you for reminding me what we are fighting for, that you for constantly reassuring me, and for simply holding me while I cry. I can't promise that these next couple weeks are going to be a walk in the park, because they won't. I do promise you tell you how much I love you every single day, and hopefully 1 year from now we can celebrate your first official Father's Day!
I love you now and always,
Me

Happy Father's Day
Love, Brownie, Tiger, Ginger (and the best angel Daddy there is to PJ)

You are I am

Going to try and NOT make this a novel. 

Friday, May 10, 2013 we had our first official appointment with a new RE. My friend Kayla had an initial appointment with them about 3 weeks before me. She was so impressed that she contacted me. After only a short conversation with her I knew I had to make an appointment also. 

I had contacted them about 2 years ago when we needed a procedure done. At the time they did not accept my insurance so they have always been pushed out of my mind. Now, that is different I pushed forward. It is not a secret that I did not agree with my last appointment at Emory. My biggest complaint was I did not want to have BOTH tubes removed. I understood the damaged one had to be removed, but not both. Exactly why I needed to hear a second opinion. 

In preparation for this appointment I had prayed extensively! I wrapped myself in prayers, went out of my comfort zone and even had others pray for us. We prayed for peace, we prayed for guidance, and we also prayed that if IVF is the course we need to take, for God to fund it, and make it possible.  Even before we walked into the appointment Mike and I prayed in the car. We prayed for understanding of what we had been through. I wanted to understand why I had an ectopic pregnancy. I also wanted more clarification of what we need to do to achieve our miracle.  My prayer was if there is a road I should walk, Lord, help me find it. Make it all possible. 

OK- so getting to the appointment, I was majorly impressed that not a nurse or practitioner or anyone else came out to get us. It was the Doctor herself. Not in a lab coat or Doctor apparel but in regular clothes. We discussed what we wanted to get out of the appointment and the future and she understood. Dr. C asked us questions directly, we went over the chart in detail, all of the surgeries, procedures, tests, labs, and medicines I have gone through. She asked me to explain everything last October. She acknowledged how painful it must have felt, she saw me get emotional when I had to tell her the dates, she acknowledged that the memory of those dates will always be hard. I never had to think, or try and jog my memory. I knew the day I found out, the day it was confirmed non-viable, and the day it was removed. My first question to her was why it happened. I have done extensive research on Ectopic Pregnancies, and I had none of the factors that made you at risk. In 2008 I had a mild case of appendicitis. When your appendix is infected, or even removed there is such a high risk of adhesions on your tubes or infecting the lining. They are so close together, it is almost impossible to avoid. THIS IS WHY IT HAPPENED! Prayer 1 was answered. There is nothing I could have done, I couldn't have prevented it or changed it even if I wanted to. The rest of the appointment when much like this. I had a list of questions ready in my lap and she hit every single one without me asking. Dr C was so personable asking US questions, and explaining every step in detail. She broke it down to my level and did not use Doctor lingo, but more of terms I would understand and comprehend. 

This is where God started to show HE IS IN CONTROL! We began talking about PCOS, and she asked how many months I had been ovulating without medicine. The answer was every month since July of last year. She is convinced that PCOS has diminished enough I do not need to be considered a PCOS patient any longer. I will always have the painful cramps and the mood swings, but as long as the abnormal hair growth stays under control, and I am ovulating on my own, there is no need to aggressively pursue unless something changes. PRAISE!!! Loosing 22 lbs has paid off! While talking about PCOS we began to discuss Clomid which is a medicine to make you ovulate. In the beginning when I took this medicine, I didn't understand what it's purpose was. After I explained that for 10 months that I took it MY HUSBAND WAS DEPLOYED.  She was frustrated that I was not properly explained the purpose. I think her exact words were "So you took an ovulation medicine for 10 months with no access to sperm". This is the only time in the whole visit that I mentioned Mike being in the Army. I mentioned this in the confines of her office, and with the door closed. The only way someone could have heard me was if they were walking by the door at the EXACT time I said this. We talked further and she still believes that IVF is the best possible solution for us. We have such a high success rate of it succeeding. In the percentage that it will also be 54% that it will be twins. While I do know people who are my age, and unfortunately haven't had success I am choosing to remain positive that it will work for me. After such a positive appointment I thought I had maxed out on my miracles for the day. Boy was I ever wrong. 

Our next step was to meet our personal nurse who will handle all lab follow ups, answer any questions we may have, and go with us through the process of it all. While we were going over things with her our patient coordinator walked in. She will handle all appointments and referrals. She introduced us, and she just happened to mention that she overheard us talking to Dr. C about my husband being in the military. She had to have been walking by AT THE EXACT MOMENT! She told us to make sure we ask about military pricing when we meet the financial coordinator. 

When we met with him, he explained so many things about my insurance and coverage, and he gave me the paper for their IVF costs. The price had dropped about $6,500 from our other place. Then I remembered to ask about the military pricing. He then took away that paper, and had to pull the file from his computer, because the pricing was different, and they do not advertise the discount unless you ask about it. I would have never known to ask had it not been for that nurse. He showed me the price and I broke down. The price dropped 50%!!!! The total for our IVF before medicines will be $5,500! All of the medicines will be about $2,000-$3,000, but I can handle that! IVF instantly became obtainable! Yes, this is where I cried! Also when we went to go pay our fee for the day, the clerk was so knowledgable that she looked and asked me why my insurance was based out of Illinois. Illinois is a government mandated fertility coverage state. So by those standards I should have coverage! I looked this up, and it covers one round of IVF and if that is a success it covers 3 rounds after that! 

I finally had my answers, and I had my clarification of where I could go from there. We left the appointment 2 very excited people who had a plan!! 

AND!! 

Want to know what song played as soon as we started the car?

THIS ONE! 

I've been the one to shake with fear
And wonder if You're even here
I've been the one to doubt Your love
I've told myself You're not enough

I've been the one to try and say
I'll overcome by my own strength
I've been the one to fall apart
And to start to question who You are

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

I've been the one held down in chains
Beneath the weight of all my shame
I've been the one to believe
That where I am You cannot reach

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am

The veil is torn
And now I live with the Spirit inside
The same one, the very same one
who brought the Son back to life

Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me
Hallelujah, He lives in me

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am
You are I am


We are now neck deep in finding grants, and battling insurance. We will be trying to put together donations, from friends and family. We truly believe that this is Jesus' leading. So now our prayer is to fund it. We are not above asking for help. ;) 

God truly showed out in that appointment. He answered every prayer, he calmed my spirit, and he delivered the road I need to travel. I KNOW I serve a savior that is capable of miracles, and he gave my broken little heart a little mending on Friday. If he is the God that could bring the dead to life, make the blind see, walk on water, and save a nation, why did I ever doubt that he wouldn't show up to an infertility clinic and prove he hears me! YAY for Jesus! 

Dreams

Not much going on with us in the world of infertility lately. We are steadily paying down medical debt we occurred during last October. We are saving for IVF, and have about 1/6 of it covered. YAY for progress! We just got back from an amazing trip to NYC, that I have dreamed of taking. I have already had several people ask me, why spend the money? When you are saving for IVF? Am I not allowed to enjoy my life? Am I just supposed to sit around every day waiting for something that may never happen? I want to ENJOY my life, with or without kids!! Get off my back!
Last night I had the most vivid dream I have had since we lost the baby. I have had small visions of what life would be like, but last night was a full blown dream in 2 parts. So real that I woke up and immediately had to feel my stomach. Part 1 was us at Husband's family Thanksgiving dinner. Our niece was there, and she looked to be about the same, both brothers were there with their wives. It felt like it should be THIS Thanksgiving. I sat in the spot I always sat in at their house in the living room, while everyone else around were doing normal things. Husband and his brothers were looking at hiking things, My 2 SIL were with my MIL in the kitchen and I was sitting there, this seemed odd at first, until she announced it was time to eat, and I had to call Mike over to help me stand. I was WOAH pregnant. My belly was huge! Everyone made jokes about how hard it was for me to do things, and I just slowly rubbed my belly saying it was all worth it.
This is where I shot up in the middle of the night. I rubbed my stomach, realized it wasn't real and cried till I was back asleep.
Part 2 was Christmas at the same house (there is no way to describe that house during Christmas, it's very distinct), with the same people. Everyone was passing and holding the tiny 3 week baby that we had prayed so hard for. As she always does, I watched as Mike's mom held her new grandchild and cried. I watched both aunts and both uncles completely become enamored with this tiny child.

I dream of this life. Why it felt like it was Thanksgiving/Christmas of 2013 I do not know. Hopefully that is a good sign!

June is quickly approaching, and while I would love to pretend I will be okay on the day and act like nothing special is going on. June 23rd is supposed to be the day all my dreams came true. I KNOW I couldn't do the "brave" face and keep it together. So I have requested a vacation. Nothing major 3 days at a beach, with my husband, where we can wake up on that morning and watch the sunrise over the ocean, and if need be cry. Away from having to pretend and just let it go. After that day it will all be over. I really think we need it. Now we just need to find somewhere to go!

Borrowed from a friend.

My friend Lauren posted something the other day that hit so close to home I had to borrow it. 

"I am NOT ashamed by my infertility.
I am NOT embarrassed to talk about my infertility.
I DO get exhausted by the realities of infertility. Today is one of those days where I'm absolutely exhausted by our almost 5 year journey through this shit storm of treatments, losses, and failures."

There are a few differences between the 2 of us, I am just now getting to the point of not being embarrassed or ashamed, but I am still way to private to openly share it unless otherwise asked. However, after 5 years; I am exhausted. Every single month it feels like a knife in the gut, and my heart breaks a little more. 

In our 5 years we have had only one "success" and you shouldn't even call it that, because it ended in disaster. When will it all be over? Now as I am 72 hours from beginning my "late 20's" I have nothing but a mountain of medical bills to show for those years of trying.  

People tell me all the time that 25 (and now 26 on Saturday) is not that old and they are right it isn't, but am I supposed to try for another 5 years before I should worry that it might not happen? Nope, I am there now! I am well aware that IVF might be our only option and we are currently putting plans in place to make that a reality, but what happens when like Lauren, I pay all the money and it fails? My heart breaks for her, she is only 30 and she has had 2 that failed! I thought being younger almost guarantees your success? When is enough enough? 

I'm not ready to give it up yet so we will keep trying, but today is just one of those days that I hurt. I'm tired of seeing the NO, on pregnancy tests, and I am tired of disappointing my husband month after month. I am tired of feeling like I am standing still. I'm so unbelievably and excruciatingly tired of Infertility! 

Defeat

Hi all! I promised myself that when I made this blog I would include the good, the bad, and the ugly. Unfortunately there is no good lately.

After the hell we endured in October and November I was not going to be released to officially try again until I spoke with our RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) she is the one that found the thyroid problem. After anxiously looking forward to this appointment for over a month I finally went on Friday. I'm not sure how I knew it would be bad, but as I was walking in I looked at my sweet husband and said "I know this is going to be bad, I just don't know how bad". I just knew. Something in my heart knew what was coming, and I choose to think it was preparing me for it. I've really learned you need a thick skin walking in that office. 

I was right. It was bad. It was REALLY bad. After spending 30 mins discussing EVERYTHING in detail (there have been times that I try not to acknowledge the emotions of it, and just stick to the medical details, but the truth of the matter is I was so happy- deliriously happy. Even now I think it would have been better to not know until it was over. But to have 3 days where I thought it was all over, it all now seems like a cruel joke that was played). When we were done discussing it all, she looked at me and said that all my options are over. IVF is now my only shot. Naturally I have less than a 3% of it happening on my own and in that chance there is a 30% chance it will be ectopic again. All of the other options have been tried and didn't work, and she thinks moving forward with more rounds of medicine, and less invasive procedures is a waste of money and time. She could not guarantee a success for IVF, but she said it has almost a 80% success rate for me. The problem is I know people my age, and it has failed for them! The MAJOR factor, it's $18,000!!! On top of all that news, and after begging/pleading/crying for a couple more months of on my own she informed me that the only reason she will agree is to show me that she is on my side, but this really is it. No more. And even with that I have to have more procedures done before I can begin this next round of medicines. (Side note: That medicine is no longer covered on my insurance so unless I pay $194 for 8 pills, that isn't happening either!) It's just a major defeat. Infertility won, Marie lost. 

This is not the plan I had for myself. I know it is no ones, but why us?!! Why this way!! The most expensive, unconventional, invasive, and taxing procedure is my only way to have my only wish?!! Where is that fair? I didn't sign up for that!

There has not been a break since Friday morning. I have been around people constantly since that appointment, and I find myself excusing myself to just go cry. I have cried out, I have screamed, I have gotten REALLY REALLY angry, and said things I never would other wise. I want to be one of those women that blink, and get pregnant, not the one that is now racking her brain, and examining our finances to find what we can get rid of to put that money into our new fund. We will open a new account in the next weeks and pray magically money just appears there. 

My heart aches for what it wants. I want nothing more than the sleepless nights, the morning sickness, the swollen ankles, the temper tantrums, and all the sweet amazing moments in between, I yearn for them, I ache for them. There is nothing about this that I wanted. I was told at church yesterday that I just have this spirit about me that just keeps fighting, and getting back up to swing one more time, but not this time. I think I lost. I'm defeated. 

Celebrating 5 amazing years

Last Saturday Mike and I celebrated 5 years of marriage. After everything we have been through this year, we put aside all money issues and we just got away for the weekend. We spent an amazing weekend in the mountains of North Ga.

These are the moments you just stop and admire all God has created. 

Getting ready for our "sleigh ride" 

It may be cheesy, but we like cheese! 

Our tradition that I look forward to every year! 

Mike, thank you for this extraordinary life! 

What an incredible weekend.

I spent a great deal of time battling this weekend to ensure I didn't dwell on the negative. I wanted to celebrated what I did have, and the positive in my life. Most people say that they married the most incredible man, and he is perfect, and I will be one of those people. Mike is the MOST AMAZING husband! He has given me so much in this life that I sit in awe sometimes.

I have always been close to my family, and he has give me much more to add. Mike gave me 2 very shy brothers who didn't know what to think of the crazy outgoing girl that their brother married. Mike gave me aunts, uncles, and cousins in abundance. I have never NEVER been an "in-law" to them. I have only ever been just Marie, their niece and cousin. From the very first meeting, I was loved and accepted, and not many people can say that about their spouses family. Mike gave me another set of parents that I am constantly in awe of, they are selfless, loving, giving, inspiring, nurturing people with hearts of gold. His mom is a saint on earth, and she constantly is my source of comfort and strength. As long as I live I will never forget the words she said to me in the hospital as I was waiting to be wheeled into surgery. "I cry with you and I hurt with you, don't you worry, you are not alone. We know your mom can't be here, but we will be here for her. We love you our dear sweet daughter".  He also gave me Grandparents, which I have not had since I was 10. I gained 2 grandmothers who loved me from Day 1. I knew when I met him that he was incredibly close to this Dad's mom, and a week before our wedding she told to just love her baby doll. I ended that conversation with one of her favorite sayings and got to here it back for the last time, "I love you best of all" ME! She loved me!! That was the last conversation I got to have with her, because sadly she passed right after our wedding, still- I got to be her Granddaughter.  Mike will never know how much he gave me in these people that I am so blessed to call my family now.

When Mike comes into your life he brings joy, enthusiasm, laughter, passion, silliness, comfort, strength, bravery, friendship, generosity, honesty, kindness, and wisdom. He has shown me a world I never thought was possible and makes me appreciate every single day on this earth, because it is a day spent with him.

There are moments that I fall in love with him all over, and they are times I wish the world could see. Like when the boy with ABSOLUTELY no rhythm will dance in the car to some Top 40's station, because it makes me laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME! When the strongest man I know sees that I am hurting, scared or nervous will bend down and sing me our "Sunshine" song just because it helps. The man who HATES recognition for any good deed, will go out of his way to help someone out. I see all these things all the time. I wish the world could see more of it, but I am selfish and I like that it is just us in that little bubble.

So to that amazing husband of mine. Thank you for loving me just the way I needed. Thank you for being my rock to lean on and also my soft place to land. To quote my favorite line from my favorite movie ever, "No measure of time with you will be long enough, but let's start with forever". I love you my handsome! Thank you for 5 incredible years!

Lessons of marriage

In one week I will celebrate 5 years of marriage with my amazing spouse, partner, love, and friend. I could write a book of all the lessons we have learned together but I will stick to 5. One lesson learned for each year.

2007- I have learned that when you have never lived with someone before, especially the opposite sex those first couple weeks and months can be difficult.  Just take a step back, order a pizza and tackle it all together. 2 is always better than one!

2007

When my happily ever after began….

2008- I have learned that there is always something to hope for. Change is sometimes a good thing.  So many things changed in 2008, work changed, deployments were coming up, and we officially decided to try for a baby. add in buying your first home and the stress level goes through the roof. One piece of paper at a time. The change might all be scary, but you are establishing your future so it so worth every step.

2008

Our home.

2009- I have learned, no matter how many times you have been apart, a day a week, a month or a year every goodbye is hard. Being without your other half sucks, every single day of it sucks. You are allowed to cry, be mad, and miss them, but you also need to make every phone call, message, e-mail and visit worth it. You are never promised tomorrow, so make it count today. 

2009

There aren't words for this kind of heart ache. 

2010- Just like every time deployments suck, every homecoming makes it worth it! Homecomings are amazing and there is no greater feeling! I have learned to appreciate every one! I also learned that going from being Miss Independent, back to depending on someone to be there is hard, and takes a ton of communication, and team work, and if it becomes too much, just go out and get help! Even if that help shows up at 10 pm with coffee. :-) 

2010 

 

There aren't words for this kind of happiness. 

2011- I have learned that the greatest thing about being young, in love and with no restrictions is you can just pick up and go. Mike and I have been on some amazing adventures together. 2011 was my favorite. We got to experience a romantic getaway to Florida, a dream coming true adventure in Seattle, and Forks Washington, but got to lounge on the beaches of Mexico! 

2011   

Cozumel, Mexico 

Amelia Island, Florida 

Port Angeles, Washington

Forks, Washington

Seattle, Washington 

2012- This past year I have learned that life does go on, and when you least expect it dreams do come true. Mike has taught me to never give up hope and always hope for the best. This past year has definitely been the greatest. Both with the happiest of times, and the saddest but it's him who has stood by my side on both ends. 

2012

I have no idea where this life will lead us but I hope to learn a million more lessons and make a million more memories! Here's to 100 more years! I love you handsome!!!