Being anxious.

Husband and I have finally settled into our next chapter of our IF journey. In late June we will begin the process for Intrauterine Insemination (IUI). Here's how we got there...... 

 At the beginning of May, we had to use majority of our "treatment" money saved up to do some major repairs on Mike's truck. To say I was heartbroken would be an understatement. We had tried to save for so long. Then to make the situation unbearable, Mike wrecked his truck the very next day. What we thought was a horrible situation turned into a HUGE blessing. Mike's truck was deemed a total loss. After battling for a month with the insurance company and finance company we finally got a check to pay off the balance with money left over to purchase a new one. Our prayers had been answered we had our "treatment" money back plus enough for 2 more rounds!!! PRAISE GOD!!  

We sat down and analyzed all of our options; we discussed pros and cons of it all. We discussed blessings and repercussions from all angels. Even against my better judgment we discussed how our families would react to "extreme measures” Finally we decided that being proactive for us would be the best option. 

While there may be people who think that we are being to extreme and we should just "let it happen". Those people are the people we will not be including in on this journey. I understand that there comes an apprehension with all of this, but those are my fears, my husbands and mine alone. We do not need your stresses to add to what we already feel. I have waited for 4 1/2 years to hold a child in my arms that is mine. This only seems like progress and not defeat.

We made an appointment the very next day. We will begin in late June. I have my first appointment to have blood drawn and to begin the "monitoring" phase. 

I am excited to feel like I am doing something to get me closer, but at the same time I do have worries and fears. Trying to compartmentalize is challenging. I wake up every morning with a smile thinking I am one day closer to my happily ever after, but by the time my shower is done, I have fears that my past has caused. I loose that hope, because I am used to being disappointed. I WON'T allow myself to see my happily ever after, and instead am worrying about all the small things that in the big picture are inconsequential. 

I am anxious about STUPID things, and don't know how to let it go. 

My employers know that there will be a day that I have to call out of work, and they know what for. However, his employers have only allotted up to 2 hours of being late. He has to have a day off pre-arranged 2 weeks in advance. OBVIOUSLY that is not possible with the nature of this procedure! So our plan is during the monitoring process, I will wake up every morning at 4 to "check" if it is positive, then we will go immediately to the hospital. The hospital we are going to is over an hour away.  We will get to the hospital and his part be done by 6 am, this way he can leave and be at work by normal time. The only problem we are running into is I will opt for a Valium shot to ensure that all my muscles relax and the right things can happen. In order to do that, I have to have a ride home from the hospital pre-arranged, and I do not have one. If possible I know my husband would risk his job to ensure that I get home safe. But, his job is important to him, and to me. I won't risk that. So we are scrambling to find the least stressful person for me to be in the care of until he gets home.  

To be blunt, I will not allow people to jeopardize this. So the only people those are being considered, as options are the people that will ensure that I can get home safely, and make sure that MY needs are taken care of that day. We just do not very many people to choose from. We have our parents, but they both battle health problems, and to ensure that I am taken care of might risk them, and again, I cannot be worried about something else that morning other than RELAXING! Our only other options are my few closest friends and they either will either A. have a newborn, B. have 2 kids and one of them being an infant, or C. could possibly be out of town with her husband, and we just have to have a definite YES for that morning.  

Of course the money scares me and it is intimidating, but that is actually the one aspect I am least worried about. That includes both of us. We both look at this as an amazing opportunity, and will not have another chance like this. If it doesn't work the first time, we will have to evaluate again. The money might be an issue then.  We just need major prayers. 

We need guidance on what to do from here out. I am putting my trust in Christ more than I think I ever have. We have our appointment on the 26th, and literally am doing EVERYTHING to put this out of my head, because when I think about it, I get sick so I ignore it.  

Prayer requests: We need right person to come forward to be my caregiver in July for a day. The doctor's appointment to go AMAZING! I am currently 6 days late, so fingers crossed- I might not need any of this! The tension to subside and I just enjoy the whole process coming up.  

Thanks everyone! Marie