Confused

This past week has been heart wrenching, confusing, and agonizing.
    The heart wrenching is really that, a very close friend went into the doctor with what she thought was indigestion at 25 weeks, and ended up having to deliver her baby boy and he sadly passed away just a short time later. My heart cried out for her. I was stuck with all these WHY questions. I was mad and angry at God for her. Frankly I still am pissed off. Someone who is as good and noble as she is, DOES not deserve that kind of pain. I am trying to be a really good friend to her right now, but still feel inadequate in the word department. She was so kind and sensitive about telling me privately about her pregnancy and making me understand that she was praying for me, and so I am returning the favor. I am praying constantly her. (I really hope you know that!! :-) I am sure you do!)
    The confusing is still what path God wants us on. We have made an appointment for June 14, to begin the IUI process. I am not sure where this will take us, or what it means, I just know that I can not experience one more Mother's day/Father's day being childless. We still have all the paper work with DFACS still submitted, we just have to attend the "classes" and have to have the therapy portion of the process. I have thought for a long time that I need therapy and some way to talk about all of it without judgement.
   Finally, the agonizing. My father has been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia, before it was just speculation, but now more and more I see the signs on his face. He was also confirmed to having mild strokes in his face. My father is the man I consistently lean on for strength. (Other than my husband of course). Seeing him literally loose his strength by the day has been challenging.
   I am doing the best I can to stay positive and to keep a "brave" face through it all and remain positive no matter what. Each day that proves harder than the last.

Wordless

Pretty much just how I feel right now.  Because as soon as those tears are done, I can get out and put my "happy face" on. Trying to battle so many thoughts and emotions , and haven't felt comfortable to let them out to anyone yet........ Prayers are appreciated.

CD1

And so it starts all over with CD1.

12 Get to know you questions!

Questions
1. What do you order at Starbucks? I don't usually go to Starbucks. But normally I order a Carmel frappe with extra shots of caramel.
2. What is the one thing in your closet that you couldn't do without? I love long flowy shirts. I have a really long torso, so if I can find a shirt that will cover it without me tugging all day, I am happy.
3. What's one thing that most people probably don't know about you? I have one foot that is significantlly bigger than the other. One size is a comfortable 9 and the other is a 10. Weird! 
4. Name one thing you want to do before you die. I really want to see Europe!
5. What's one food you can't live without? Bread/Pasta. I wish I could but it is just plain hard!
6. What quote or phrase to you live your life by? In the end it will all be okay, if it's not okay, it's not the end. AND It is the darkest right before dawn.
7. What is your number 1 most listened to song on iTunes? Right now it is Blown away by Carrie Underwood, and Leather and Lace by Stevie Knicks.
8. What kind of style would you define yourself as having? Casual, and chic.
9. What is your favourite number? 3
10. What are 2 of your hobbies? I love crafts, and I LOOOOOVE to bake
11. What are 2 of your pet peeves? Leaving cabinet doors open, and salt on the table.
12. What is your guilty pleasure? Drama Shows, (Right now I am addicted to Veronica Mars) 


TAG! You do it! 

Couldn't have said it better myself.

I have subscribed to a blog on Youtube and she describes it best here........ Infertility SUCKS!!

My thoughts exactly. Even though I am CD 23. I did take the Clomid this month and had a positive OPK on CD 16.  I still have a thought it will be negative. I am tricking my brain to thinking it will be positive. I need to be positive, so prayers are appreciated.

Just wanted to let you guys know that this is how I am feeling. I do not want to sound like a Debbie Downer but I want people to let the "burden" of trying to not offend me go.

I will be positive though, until I have a reason not to be.

Thanks guys!